It's been pointed out to me that I have a few "favorite" phrases. Certain words/phrases that litter my every day talking. These phrases are:
"Clearly" as in:
"Clearly, I should not quit my day job and blog full time"
and
"OK Seriously?" as in:
"OK Seriously? Yes, that dress does make your ass look like the back end of a Volkswagen!"
Now that MY favorites have been pointed out to me - Let's pick on some other people shall we?
My friend:
"No stretch of the imagination"
She uses this all the time. I can only assume that to her, the majority of her friends have very uninspired imaginations, and can therefore never move beyond the ordinary.
My Daughter
"I'll like ___ when I'm six"
Not making that up. I have a list of about 30 things that she has decided she does not like at all - but she will when she turns 6. Her birthday party is going to be very strange if I decide to serve all the things that she will instantaneously start liking. Broccoli, broiled chicken and yogurt make for one bitchin' 6th birthday party.
Our very own - Ms. Picket
"wikkid"
Apparently her kids are extremely bright, however, their mother can't spell the word wicked (....you know I poke at ya honey...I love ya more than my luggage)
My husband:
"Doesn't Surprise Me"
Swear to God, that's his favorite response to anything I say.
ME: Holy Shit, Honey! Bill Gates came into my office today and starting giving free computers away.
HIM: Hmmm....doesn't surprise me....He's probably trying to work on his image.
The only way that story would surprise him would have been if Jessica Biel had delivered those computers....Naked.
My Sister:
"However, Comma"
Let me make this very clear....she says the word comma. I would really love for her to start vocalizing ALL punctuation.
"Hey Exclamation Mark Do you want to go grab a beer question mark There's a bar around the corner period"
Ok Exclamation Point Your turn period What's your 'word' question mark
Some jobs have to be done all the time. Toilets, laundry, dishes, etc. Some jobs only need to be done every so often. And there are those jobs, that always seem to take a back seat. Spring cleaning, organizing the garage, cleaning the top of the fridge.
Today was pantry assessment day.
When I got back from the grocery store, I realized that the food that was actually able be put away, was directly proportional to the amount of space I had left in the pantry. Therefore, half of today's shopping was going to have to stay on the counter.
So everything came out. Everything.
Now how many women do you know that would be willing to show everyone all their crap AND their messy kitchen?
First I would like to know why I felt inclined to buy Creamy Broccoli in a box. Second, I would like to know why I've held on to it for three years. Do you suppose every time I saw it I thought "Hmmm, not today - but maybe tomorrow I'll be in the mood for processed creamy broccoli"...
My dreams of fashioning the longest pasta necklace will soon come to pass.
I'm sure I'm keeping this for sentimental reasons. DOES Chicken Broth go bad?
What the shit is this doing in my house? Not only is it instant...but it's decaf? AND it's half empty? WTF?!?!
Sadly, I remember buying this. It was back when I was younger and wanted to be classy with my girlfriends and we made Mimosas. Even sadder is that I was about 24....which means I have packed and unpacked this damn bottle for 10 years, through two marriages and three houses.
Ironic, don't you think, that someone who very rarely cooks has this many fuckin' bottles of spices?
This had to have been a gift. Foengreek Seed? What the hell is that? (fyi - spell checker doesn't even know what the hell it is)
Here's another one. I'm sure you Chef's out there are rolling your eyes at me and thinking how sad I am because I don't utilize my Sate and Foengreek Seed spices...but I can honestly tell you I have never seen a recipe that called for it.
Seriously? Pickling Spice? As in the thing you use when you want to PICKLE SOMETHING? I don't even EAT things that are pickled...I'm sure as hell not going to MAKE something pickled.
So, there you go ya'll. The contents of my pantry. Maybe next week we can have a tour of my bathroom cabinet. I'm sure we'll find some treasures under there. Maybe toxic mascara from 1989.
For the most part, I consider myself a tidy person. I like for things to be where they belong - safe and snug in their hiding places - leaving counter tops and tables clear. Shirts and sweaters folded and put away - shoes placed on the shoe rack.
Then I had a child.
The former tidy-self I was is still in there - and tries to break free every so often - but to be honest, keeping up with the clutter is an often pointless task.
Who knew children required so much crap. In the beginning it was just bottles and bibs, which I could store in cabinets. But now it's every Lego imaginable, Play-Doh, 40 Barbies with their matching outfits, 28 trees worth of coloring books, puzzles, games, movies, train sets and those fucking toys you get at McDonald's.
It's everywhere.
Since I can't keep up with the clutter, I will make wise decisions in my furniture. Every coffee table I own is hollow or has drawers. The ottoman is hollow. I have baskets everywhere in the house for random droppings. My husband even has a basket for his keys, phone, change and iPod.
But now I have a basket problem.
They're fuckin' everywhere. I don't know where the hell anything is - because it's hiding place could be in any one of the 50 baskets strategically placed around the house. If I have to walk over something, I'll just pick it up and put it in the closest one.
If Princess Barbie wants to have a whole outfit, she'll have to travel to every room in the house, because I assure you one shoe will be in the bedroom basket, while the other will be in the kitchen basket.
The reason for this post? I cleaned and organized the kitchen/living room on Tuesday. We've managed to keep it clean for TWO. WHOLE. DAYS.
I had an interesting conversation with a colleague the other day.
We were all standing around the front desk discussing the economy in general, and someone asked if by me working full time, I made a profit after paying for pre-school. I laughed a bit and said I made enough to pay someone else to educate my child and what's left goes to beer. A gentlemen that was standing there jokingly said "Oh my goodness - What a horrible mother for working full time"
He then went on to say that the reason the economy is in the shitter is because of women.
I'm totally not kidding.
This is his theory.
Many moons ago, when women stayed home to tend to their homes and their children, our strong men went to work. With men being the only one that worked outside of the home - every household only had one income.
Then women wanted to work as well. All of a sudden some houses were TWO income houses.
So Joe, who owns the local TV store, who used to sell a TV for $50, can now sell it for $100 because he knows every household is making more money.
Did the follow the thought process?
So, basically women are bitches and we've ruined the world.
He assured me after this conversation that he was totally kidding....But I'm keeping my eye on him.
There's an old saying...
"If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all"
I suppose it's the same for blogging. If you don't have anything witty and interesting to say - don't blabber. That's basically where I've been the last couple of weeks.
At first it started with nothing witty to say. There's only so much stuff you can type about a 4 year old before people start thinking you have nothing else in your life to talk about. Then all of a sudden I had too many things to talk about, and couldn't decide on just one, so ended up not talking at all.
Then the Fall TV lineup started - and my addiction to TV is much stronger than my addiction to you people. However, I will share a few things from the last few weeks.
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I told ya'll before that she's a dancing queen, right? Well, interestingly enough, the next day I took her to school and her teacher pulled me aside to let me know that they thought she may have some "natural talent" for dance. So, what does any self respecting mother do - I stuck her in a Saturday dance class.
$67 dollars for shoes and $275 for the class - and off we go.
It was supposed to be 15 minutes of ballet, 15 minutes of tap and then 30 minutes of gymnastics. She had her gym time first, and then a mad dash to get the ballet slippers on. After only 5 minutes of ballet - I could tell that the instructor was losing her. Screaming the word Plié over and over can't possibly be fun at this age. She walked out of the room and proceeded to tell all of the parents how BORING ballet is. I managed to get her to wait for a while, give it a shot - because I'm SURE that tap will be awesome.
Not so much. 12 four year olds in a small room all wearing tap shoes. She ran out of the room with her hands over her ears - forever scarred by how incredibly loud it was.
She starts full time gymnastics this Saturday. Apparently it's much quieter in there.
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I've been waiting patiently for Lego Batman to be released for my PS3. It finally did - and any chance I get I'll plop down and get through a level. I've learned that I can't play video games unless my husband is watching me. Three times now my little lego person has gotten stuck in a room and I can't get out. Three times now I've had to grab my husband and ask him to just sit on the couch for a minute. He'll walk in and be like "Why not use that door?"
It's either some magical male ability to master video games - or I desperately need to get new glasses.
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The only other news of interest (and I use that term VERY loosely)
Four times in the last week and a half I've had to pick her up from school early due to some major pooping issues. Last week they assured me that it was "going around the school" - some stomach bug thing. Some parents even took their kid to the doctor to confirm - and it is, in fact, some simple little bug that will work it's way out.
Just need to do a lot of laundry.
Well, that was last week. And all of the other kids are over it - except for ours (she's an individual, no?) Now people are thinking that maybe she's got an allergy. Because this amount of poop never happens at home - ONLY at school. And I can only send her to school with so many pairs of pants. Apparently it's not cool to crap in OTHER peoples pants. (I owe that mother about $10 bucks for her kids pink leggings)
So, that's it for now kids. Hopefully the clever witty me is back in the saddle - and that I can come up with cooler crap than, well, crap.
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