The Mini Van Soap Box

If you've had a baby, then chances are you've had a baby shower.  I had a lovely baby shower.  My mother threw it for me at her house.  We had it outside by the pool - and even though it was early August in Northern Virginia - the breeze was blowing, and the booze was flowing.

Sidenote:  Don't have a baby shower without booze.  The pregnant lady may not be able to drink, but if you are going to force other people to sit in 100 degree heat and Oooh and Ahhhh about little pink outfits for two hours...Make sure their half lite while they are doing it.

My sister gave me a scrapbook at the end of the day, with pictures that she took throughout the day of all the guests that had come - with little "words of advice" that each had written for me - tucked near their picture.  All of them were really nice...really they were.  And at the time, I'm sure I read each every one of them and tried to burn them into memory.  Most of the women that were there were already mothers, so I just KNEW that they knew something that I didn't.

However, five years later, I still haven't been able to take most of that advice.  For example:

Someone said..."Sleep when the baby sleeps".  Yea, I never did that.  I watched the baby sleep. Amazed that I had a baby.  And terrified that if I fell asleep she wouldn't wake up.  That just isn't advice I could take.

Someone else said...."You aren't your mother. Your house WILL be a mess"  Yea, that didn't work either. I still clean as much as I can, and I have an obsession with wicker baskets to keep all the crap hidden away.

My kid sister is currently growing a person - ready to blow any minute - so I've decided to give her some REAL advice.  None of this ooey gooey crap. Real sage advice that she can take to the bank.

*  Don't have a couch that has back cushions that can come off.  That shit is going to drive you crazy. Actually, if you can manage it - find a couch that goes ALL the way to the floor.  The amount of shit under my couch is disgusting.  Regardless of the amount of wicker baskets in my house.

*  Find a pediatrician that admits directly to the hospital and actually has PRIVILEGES at the hospital.  This will save you a lot of trouble if, God forbid, you ever end up there with double pneumonia.  Waiting 30 hours to see a doctor will give you an ulcer.  Trust me on this one.

*  You may sound like a bitch, but limit the amount of stuffed animals in your house.  What other people find cute, your child will probably find revolting and give him nightmares. I have trash bags full of teddy bears.  I will never end up as the crazy cat lady...but I run the risk of dying in my basement surrounded by 3000 teddy bears that I didn't know what to do with.  This rule also applies to legos and play doh.

*  I actually DO own a leash.  I don't CARE what people say. I have a child that runs. One day she and I will get past it, and some how I'm sure the 37th technique I try will work.  But for now - when we go to Disney, we use it. I sleep fine at night. The advice is:  If it works for you, go with it. Screw everyone else. 


*  If you have a funny feeling about your daycare. Trust it. Even if you are wrong - you lose nothing.

*  Right now you probably argue about money, or sex, or maybe who cleans the toilet.  Hell, maybe you don't argue about anything.  In a little while you are adding a person to the family. You WILL argue about that at some point in time.  Either diapers, or who gets up at 2:00 am, or just BECAUSE YOU FEEL LIKE IT. It's fine. It'll pass.

*  Don't watch Oprah. Or 60 Minutes. Under any circumstances Law & Order:SVU.  Or any show that involves children in bad situations. Basically just stick with the Food Network and Discovery Channel.

Any body else got anything? We want the good stuff y'all....

So you remember last month - my husband and I were going to take our first trip just the two of us? Three days of booze and sex and cuss words? And of course, 12 hours before we left I started my period.

What followed that was also bronchitis for both of us and my kid got her teeth knocked out.  In addition, a week later she came home with lice.

It's been AWESOME.

Well! This last Wednesday I started my period and because I am my best competition. I decided to check my daughter into the local hospital with double pnemonia.

About a week and a half ago - I think, honestly I've lost all track of time - she came down with a slight fever and was complaining of headaches.  The following Sunday it was the same - and because I am the very model of Paranoid Mother, I took her to the Urgent Care to be tested for the Flu.  Both H1N1 and Seasonal Flu came back as negative, so they sent us on our way.

Monday and Tuesday were more of the same. She just wasn't great - but not awful. She's pissed that she can't go to school. Pissed that she can't play outside. Pissed because the sky is blue.  Pissed because Elmo is red.  You know the drill.

Wednesday I decided to take just ONE MORE DAY to be sure whatever it was had past, and we were sitting on the couch...and something...I don't know...Just didn't seem "right".  I asked her if anything hurt. No. I asked her if it hurt to breath.  No. No temperature. No signs of struggle really.  Just this weird fast breathing thing.

I called the pediatrician, again PARANOID MOTHER, and got her in.  The next hour played like one of my anxiety attack nightmares.  We were at the Pediatrician office for all of 20 minutes because apparently my kid was on the verge of having NO OXYGEN!  AMBULANCE! EMS GUYS! LOTS OF MACHINES!

Needless to say, we were the hit of the Ped office that day.  In fact, I think the nurse we had that day was right out of nursing school - because I think he was about to have a stroke. The doctor had to kick him out of the room because he was starting to freak ME out. And I don't need anyone to freak me out.  I do that just fine on my own.

So, now I'm in an ambulance. With my kid. And she's freaking out. And I'm trying to make small talk, but she can't talk because she's got all this shit wrapped around her head trying to give her air and the EMS guy is talking into his walkie talkie in their weird EMS code - like the stuff you see on ER.

We get wheeled into the ER. LOTS of blood was taken. THAT was fun. Snot was stolen. Swabs and X-Rays.

Oh, did I forget to mention that my husband is TWO HOURS away and can't get to me.  So, he's currently trying to break the speed of light.  And because of the Swine Flu shit - the whole hospital is on lock down and no one is allowed in the ER but parents. So, MY parents are sitting in the waiting room with their thumbs up their ass.  If there ever was a time that I needed MY Mommy...It would have been then. Asshole Swine Flu.

So, finally she's admitted. We were there for about three days.  And it sucked ass.

That's where I've been. Sitting on a plastic couch, with a crappy Wi-Fi connection watching endless hours of Sponge Bob Square Pants and listening to the hissing sounds of a breathing machine.

She's back home now. No longer pissed about the color of Elmo's skin - and happily playing at school today. I, however, have finally found some alone time to sit and write here and have my nervous break down in private.

I will give every one fair warning before I start my period in November...Because I'm sure the Eastern seaboard will fall into the ocean.

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Before I close, a couple of things.  I know I haven't been around a lot lately, I think I have a pretty good reason...Please forgive for the lack of comments on YOUR blogs. I currently have 172 posts to read in my reader. I doubt I will be able to get through all of them....

Also, a quick shout out to "J" and her Mom. We've got a couple of new readers here. Hi Ladies.

So I sat down tonight to watch The Amazing Race, and as usual it's running late because 60 minutes is running late, because some football ran into overtime. I'm very used to this. Any 8:00 primetime slot on a Sunday always runs the risk of getting pushed back a little because of football.  I typically don't have a problem with this because it's usually only about 15 to 20 minutes that I have to wait.

Tonight it was an hour and 15 minutes.  And it wasn't even a football game I gave a crap about.

Here is the problem.  I'm not allowed to watch the news.  But it's hard to set the tivo up for "whenever 60 minutes MIGHT end", so I ended up just watching it so I would be there when my show started.  And of course they ended up doing a whole thing on H1N1.  Like I wasn't already convinced that this damn Swine Flu was going to kill us already - now I have to watch the experts tell me it's going to kill us.

It was a fairly fatalistic segment - Sweet 16 year old boy, perfectly healthy, now on a ventilator in ICU - bottom line was GET THE H1N1 VACCINE.  No need to tell me twice! I hear you! I've recently been told by my doctor that I have a compromised immune system because of asthma - so I even fall into the category of the folks that REALLY should get this vaccine! They even provided this handy website to go to find out where and when the vaccines will be!

Awesome!  While waiting for my guilty pleasure show - I'll go check it out! The POWERS of the internet! My health right at my fingertips!


Easy enough...Click on your state...Click H1N1...and it'll tell you where to go and when.

Click on MY state...."PAGE NOT FOUND"

Assholes.


So, what about y'all? Are you going to get the vaccine WHEN it becomes available? Or are you going to take your chances?

(if you are interested - go here - it's actually a well put together site - http://www.flu.gov/)

My husband is from Pennsylvania.  I actually wouldn't say he's from Pennsylvania - but he was born there. In a small town.

Like SMALL. Like - take a left at the big stump, pass the burnt down outhouse, drive down the gravel road until you see the green tractor - kind of small.  Throw a rock in this town, and you'll hit another rock.

He moved around a lot, but spent the majority of his life where we are now. Lucky for him, I say.  But a good portion of his family stayed there.  The part of the family we don't see all that often to tell you the truth.  Nothing against them really - but traveling the Pennsylvania Turnpike is a lot like playing Russian Roulette.

However, about a year before we were married his Grandmother was gettin' on, and the end was getting near - and she decided she wanted to meet me before she died.  Strange death bed request to make - I KNOW - but it was certainly a request we were willing to fulfill.

We took off in the snow and headed out to my Husbands No Name Small Birth Town to see his Grandmother.  We eventually landed at the Ramada Inn, Formerly The Holiday Inn, Formerly The Route 14 Hotel.  We know it was all these things because the remnants of the last three owners were still all over the hotel.  The sign said Ramada, the keys said Holiday Inn, but all the linens were prison stamped with Route 14.  It was an interesting hotel to say the least.

We open the door to our room which I can only describe as 90 feet long - but only 11 feet wide. The only things IN the room were a bed, the tv and a FULL SIZE refrigerator.  I'm not even kidding you.  This seemed to us like something you would want to highlight in your brochure - but this dual personality hotel didn't have a brochure.  So, it was like a neat surprise for unsuspecting guests.  "Hey! If I knew I could have brought everything from the kitchen I would have!!"

Perplexed by the size of the fridge - but determined to use the fridge - we set out for some dinner, and maybe a 7-11 to grab some beers for the room.

We grab some dinner at a local pub and as we were paying the check, I asked the waitress where I could pick up some beer. She responded "I'll get one for ya"

I explained to her that I didn't want another beer HERE, but we wanted them back at our room.
She kept telling me she understood and that SHE WOULD GET IT.
It took me a good 10 minutes to figure out that in PA, you don't GO to 7-11 to buy beer. You go to a BAR to buy beer.  And GET IT TO GO.  Seriously y'all - she gave me a six pack in a To-Go bag.

The idea still boggles my mind to tell you the truth.  The whole time we were there I did not see one 7-11.

I appreciate the fact that my daughter is being raised in a town with 24 hour Slurpee access.

We had the rare opportunity to drop our daughter off this last weekend, and get out of town for a few days.  I say it's a rare opportunity because we've never done it before.

Never.

In five years.

I've gone away for a few days, and my husband does travel quite a bit - but we've never gone somewhere....at the same time. He had this business trip planned for a while - and on a whim I asked if I could drop the kid off and tag along with him.  All the stars aligned and everything worked out.  SO....plans for SEX and DEBAUCHERY were planned. Capital SEX. Capital DEBAUCHERY. After he finished work of course - he's very devoted.

14 hours before we left I started my period.

This is just the beginning folks.  Grab a cup of coffee.

We're a few hours away from home, fighting the semi's and the motorcycles on the highway, and I realize that just by habit we are keeping the car at the appropriate "we have a child" level.  I immediately turn up the tunes and call every curse word I can think of in quick succession.  My husband, of course, just looks at me oddly and asks "Why do you know all the words to EVERY Bee Gee song?"

Then he starts sniffing and coughing.  12 hours later he's in full on "cold working on bronchitis" mode.

This is where it gets REALLY good.

We've settled into the hotel, me sitting as far away from him as possible, when I notice I have a message on my cell phone.  It's my daughter "Call Me Mama!", with my mom in the background, "Ok, hang up now." The voices were calm, so I wasn't worried.  I assumed she wanted to tell me about all the fun they were having - without me.  How much cooler it was to be with her Grandparents.

Turns out there has been a bit of an "accident".  She was walking up some steps...and I don't know...FORGOT HOW TO WALK and landed on her face.  She's now missing an entire tooth. Craziness ensued.  My mother almost had a stroke. Trust me....For the first time I've ever dropped her off for a trip out of town and within six hours the FIRST ACCIDENT EVER happens ON HER WATCH...(I love you Mama)....

So, at this point I really don't even feel bad for the kid anymore, I feel bad for my Mom and worried that she's going to run out of blood pressure medication before I get home. I offer to come home, which of course, she refuses, but we're still waiting for the dentist to call to tell us what's what.

In the end, everything worked out fine. Well, I mean everything with her TOOTH turned out fine. Meaning...we'll just wait for her big girl tooth to grow in.  She just may have a hole longer than usual.

Oh, I almost forgot.  My mom also told me on my return that when she was tucking her in at night, they were saying prayers and my daughter said she wanted to die so she could meet Jesus. 

So, my Mother is returning my child missing parts AND suicidal.

My husband also gave me his cold.  Asshole.

We're going back to traveling separately.  I'll just take my vibrator.