Moving Stumble Upon Digg It! Add to Delicious Add to Technorati


I've been feeling a bit uninspired of late.  A little boxed in, as though I had created this persona that I couldn't keep up.  

Minivan is shutting down - Or rather - Minivan is moving. 

I have a new home - a new face - and new inspiration.  I would love if you came over and hung out.  

It's still me. Hopefully just better.

Come on over and say hi - and hopefully stick around.


(just give me a break - I don't have all the tweaks figured out yet)


My New Disease Stumble Upon Digg It! Add to Delicious Add to Technorati


The last few years, for the most part, been crap.  At least medically.  I'm not even going to link back to the numerous post about Doctors, MRI's, deadly migraines and exploding ovaries...so, let's just all agree that over all I've spent more time with Doctors than I have with my best friend.  And I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that she fell is love and got married and is still in that blissful first year of marriage where pee on the toilet seat is cute.

I'm sure we'll start hanging out again in about a year.

Anyway, I'm a firm believer in being my own advocate.  And even though I saw a slew of doctors - the truth was - none of them REALLY knew why my brain was exploding.  So, I continued to see different doctors until the pain stopped - or until on of them could give me a logical reason as to why it was happening.  Funny thing happens when you see a lot of doctors.

1.  You get a lot of different drugs.
2.  You get a lot of bills for said drugs.  And apparently the health insurance company gets those bills too.

I will start off by saying I AM grateful I have health insurance. Very grateful.  Even if I am baffled by the fact that they won't pay for 'alternative treatments' (acupuncture or massage therapy) but they will pay for me to have Botox injected into my neck.  But all things being equal - I'm grateful that they are paying a portion of the medical bills.

At least until I started getting what I can only describe as Health Insurance Junk Mail.  Apparently they have taken all of my claims for the last TWO years and diagnosed me.  With Fibromyalgia.   And because they were so smart and diagnosed me all on their own - they put it on my ever so official Health Insurance Chart. This patient has Fibromyalgia.

Health Insurance Nurse:  "Hey! I have a great idea! Let's put her on EVERY SINGLE MAILING LIST there is for people with Fibromyalgia.  Even though she has no idea what that even is...or even how to pronounce it correctly"

Health Insurance Nurse 2:  "Hell Yea!"

Then began six months of going to mail box and going "What the shit is this?" and throwing it away.  My health insurance company is partly to blame for the lack of oxygen because of all the paper in my mailbox. I finally caught on to what was going on and called them.

Me:  Hi Insurance People.  Do you think I have Fibromyalgia?
Insurance:  Yes. Yes we do.  We pieced it together from all of these claims.  We are very smart.
Me:  I don't have Fibromyalgia.  Has an actual DOCTOR said that I have this?
Insurance:  No. Not at all. Like we said. We are very smart.  We figured it out ourselves.
Me:  Well, I actually find all of this kind of condescending. I don't have Fibromyalgia. And you sending me pamphlets of how better to manage my disease just pisses me off.  So stop.  Unless you can diagnose the feeling of my brain trying to push it's way through my eye ball.  Feel free to send me literature on that.

I did manage to ask before I got off the phone if massage therapy is covered yet.  It isn't.

The first two weeks of school have gone fairly smoothly. No major upsets or disasters - and we've managed to make it to the bus stop on time - two weeks running!  Only complaint I have is the cootie that she brought home as a present to me.  This particular cootie has crawled up my nose and is firmly lodged in my brain - making me feel as though my head is swimming while the rest of my body feels like it's been hit by a truck.

The other day, while folding and putting away laundry, my daughter came running into my room.  She jumped on to my bed and said:

"Hey Mom! Can bugs hear?"
"I'm not entirely sure that EVERY bug can, but yes, I think some bugs can hear."
"K! Thanks!", and ran away

I assumed it was something she learned in school.  How cute, I thought, she's still thinking about her studies when she gets home! Yea! School is awesome. She'll be brilliant! Then I started trying to decide how we'll pay for the Ivy League School she's destined to attend.

And then I heard the screaming from down the hall.  I found a small child with her body pressed against the wall - screaming at the ceiling.



Every so often my husband has to work after hours. He's usually home at a decent enough time, but this particular evening he didn't get home until after I had fallen asleep. 

I can only guess that he wasn't as stealthy as usual while trying to change his clothes and set his alarm clock for the next day, because apparently I woke up.

I say 'apparently' because I don't remember much of this.

Turns out I was extremely irritated that he didn't have my sister with him.  I shot up in bed and demanded to know where she was.  How dare he not have her with him.  My sister that lives 5 hours away. The sister that has no plans of coming to visit as far as I know and who was certainly NOT supposed to be in my bedroom at 1:00 in the morning.  I can only assume his reaction was something like "Wha? Huh?"

I used to talk in my sleep all the time when I was younger.  Interestingly enough, my sister would intentionally talk to me while sleeping - and then write down the crap I said.  Something about strawberries, a snow man and a Smurf.


And So It Begins Stumble Upon Digg It! Add to Delicious Add to Technorati


It's seems I'm in good company this week.  I've read so many stories and posts about sending the kids back to school.  Some folks are thrilled - some sent theirs off for the first time, so there have been tears and fears.  Mine started 1st grade - and although we aren't new to the idea of school - we are new to public school.

For the last two years we've had her in private school.  Not because we're private school people, or that our public schools suck, but because Kindergarten in our area is a half day program.  I have NO idea who that's good for.  Certainly not for the parents who have jobs. And I can't imagine any five year old can learn anything in the two hours that they are there.  It takes me two hours to get her ready in the morning...So, I'm thinking just enough time to get to school, get the coat off, have a snack, pee and then back home again.

One of the things I love most about our private school - aside from the Teachers and staff is the privacy & security of the whole thing.  One door to get in. One door to get out.  Staff members sitting right at that front door...watching.  And it's locked from the outside.  You sign your kid in and out.   For a mom that has some serious anxiety issues - this was good for me.

However, as time goes by I realize more and more that my anxiety is my own, not hers.  I have to let her grow and do the things that she wants to do (within reason, of course!) She wanted to ride the bus - and as much as it killed me - I agreed.  Now, that's not to say I didn't have the runs for the four days leading up school starting.  And weird dreams. And quite a few sleepless nights.  But Tuesday morning found us at the bus stop with all the other kids.  Mom's taking the required 1st Day Of School pictures - and me hiding behind my sunglasses - smiling and chatting with the other Mom's - but secretly plotting how I can start home schooling her.

We are now three days into the school year - and aside from a few small mishaps - she loves it.  I'm thrilled with her teacher, and from what I've been told from the other Bus Stop Moms, the school we go to is great. I've relaxed a bit more - and pooping a bit more normally, thanks for asking.

But I will never forget that cute little face pressed up against the school bus window blowing kisses and waving.

The Bus Stop Moms have told me that THAT novelty will wear off soon - and I'll be dragging her ass to the bus stop just to make it on time.  Enjoy the moment while we can.

This last Saturday we went to a party at a friends house.  It's always nice when the friends you have, that have kids, have kid friendly gatherings.  You let the kids try to kill each other - while all the adult folk sit back, drink beer and make sure there isn't too much carnage. No one likes blood stains on their furniture.

The friends house that we went to is an old friend of mine, I've known her since high school.  In the last few years she's been married and had a baby.  I couldn't be happier for her - her husband is a riot and her baby is adorable.  Perfect little Christmas card family.  Her husband is Cuban American and his family is, obviously, as well - and lives in Miami.  A few of them even came up for the party.

Hours into the party - kids asleep on the couch - the adults have mostly separated into two groups.  The girls are inside talking about girl stuff and most of the guys are outside talking about....whatever it is they talk about. 

I spent about a half an hour or so with the girls, and went outside to check on my husband (or to get another beer) and when I opened the door - all I heard was a very agitated Cuban talking about glue sticks. I leaned down to my husband...

"What the hell is going on?"

"I told him what was on the back to school supply list that you got. I think I might have told him how much a glue stick is..." he says

You see, I've spent the last month trying to get all of the supplies on this list - and every day I'm AMAZED at how much I'm supposed to send to school.  25 glue sticks, y'all.  50 pencils.  Crayons, markers, colored pencils, highlighters, dry erase markers, scissors, tissues, antibacterial hand stuff, Ziploc bags, and sanitizing wipes.  If you don't find the right store - and the right price - a large glue stick can cost up to $3.00.  If you aren't willing to put the time to shop around - that's $75 in glue.  Just glue.

Now what's totally awesome about getting a Cuban worked up...is half of what they say is in English and the other, well, isn't.  And they talk a lot with their hands.  And loudly too.   Then his parents got into it.  I've never heard such outrage! Over Glue! And somehow the conversation turned into how good of parents we are! "¡Increíble! If MY KID needs glue -¡Mierda santa!  You call me! I'll bring him some damn glue!  ¿Usted me está embromando? Freakin' Glue!  ¡Pegamento!

My husband started the Great Glue Cuban Riot of 2010.  I don't know if we'll ever be invited back.


1992 Stumble Upon Digg It! Add to Delicious Add to Technorati


The other day I ran over to 7-11 to get a Big Gulp.  Actually I ran over to 7-11 to get a straw for the Big Gulp I already had - but felt weird just stealing a straw, so I bought an entirely new Big Gulp.  That's me helping the economy, y'all.

Anyway.  The guy behind the counter was trying to figure out how to give me my change and my eyes started to wander.

Ugly guy getting gas outside.

Oh, Look!  The Power Ball is up to a gazillion dollars.  

Hmmm...Two slices of pizza for three dollars.

Little sign behind the counter...."Patrons must have been born on/before 1992 to buy tobacco products"

Ho-ly! Crap!

Someone BORN the year I graduated from High School is now old enough to buy cigarettes. I don't know why it shocked me so much...But the idea that it's been 18 years since I was in High School just kind of threw me.  The year I was barely graduating from hell - a baby was being born.  And now that baby is walking, talking, driving, smoking, voting and probably a total asshole - because when your 18 you're an asshole by default.  I certainly was.

So convinced at 18 that you know everything - and the world is your playground. Heading off to college and getting that first taste of freedom.  It's only a few years from now that you realize you don't know jack - and want to move back in with your parents.  Eventually you'll get your shit together.  Settle down, get married, buy a house - get a real job.  Get divorced, buy a different house, get a better job and marry again.

That's when you realize that you know less now than you did when you were 18.  And want to move back in with your parents.  With your husband and kids. 

I'm at an age now where I should start getting mammograms.  I'm not too far away from preparing for menopause and colonoscopies. My back hurts and I need to eat better.  Vegetables and eggs give me gas and I have a stash of Tums in my bedside drawer.  I hate driving at night and I own a freakin' Minivan.

12 years from now my own daughter will more than likely be an asshole herself.  An adult in societies eyes and old enough to go out on her own.  Hopefully by then I'll have taught her enough to let her go. And when I do let her go... I'm selling that damn minivan and getting a boob job.


Wonderfully Ugly Stumble Upon Digg It! Add to Delicious Add to Technorati


People say that we have four seasons here.  Even the calendar on my wall says it.  Personally, I don't believe it.  What we really have is Summer and Winter - and then Almost Summer and Almost Winter.  However, if I had to choose just one season it would be summer.

That's not to say I don't love watching snow fall, or curling up on the couch in a pair of sweats with the fireplace going. I'm even okay with the occasional snow ball fight.  Winter brings Thanksgiving, Christmas and even my birthday.  What I detest about Winter is wearing a coat.  Seeing my breath leave my body in my own car.  The 20 extra minutes it takes to get my daughter out of the house because I have to wrap her body in fleece - and THEN she has to pee.  I also hate pantyhose.

Summer is flip flops and tank tops.  It's rolling her out of bed, brushing her teeth and chucking her butt in the car. Barbecues and fire works. Tomato plants and swimming pools.  Summer is just, well, better.

Except when I sleep.

I can't STAND being hot when I sleep, and even though our central air is "fine" - it just doesn't cool the upstairs as much as I would like (without the $500 electricity bill). I toss and turn and sweat and throw covers around.  He tosses and turns and sweats.  A few months ago I actually asked him if he spilled water on his pillow.  He hadn't. 

So, apparently tired of hearing me bitch and moan.  My folks pulled this out of their attic for me. 

Isn't it the ugliest thing you've seen? It's even more horrible when you are looking at the back of it from the backyard.

DON'T CARE!  This is now my favorite piece in the house.  I show it to people when they come over.  "Oh, do you like the paint job I did in here?  How about the hardwood floors? Come see my WINDOW UNIT! It's the best!"

We only turn it on at night - and not even that high - but I have slept better the last few weeks than I have in months.  I wrap myself in my comforter now and snuggle in.  In even makes a nice sound so I can put my noise machines away. 

Have NO idea what it's going to do for my electric bill though.  I may be writing an entirely different post next month. 


Pink! Stumble Upon Digg It! Add to Delicious Add to Technorati


For the majority of the summer, the talk of the house has been 1st grade.  What a big girl she is....How exciting it's going be....How different the school is going to be compared to where she is now...etc. etc. etc.

So, a few months ago she, quite matter of factly, told me that if she was going to be a big girl in the 1st grade, then she felt as though she deserved a big girl bedroom.  Personally I didn't think she had a baby room by any stretch of the imagination. I was a bit perplexed about what part of her bedroom she dubbed as "babyish".  So, I asked:

"What exactly is a big girl room sweetie?"

She looked at me...rolled her eyes so hard that they are still currently looking out of the back of her head...and said:

"DUH! Pink!"

After choking back a bit of vomit I thought:   Awesome.

We agreed, as adults do,  that I got to choose what colors would go in - and what accessories.  Mom would do the room - and surprise her.

Because over my dead body was there going to be a pink princess room with a pink canopy and princess decals stuck to the walls.  It was one of those foolish things I said out loud when I was pregnant and found out I was having a girl:

"I will never have a pink room in my house"

I am now, officially, eating my words.

It's taken me three days, many trips to Target and my house still has the stench of paint.  But it's done.  I unveil to the internet:  My girls "big girl room".

This was her room before (which I still state for the record wasn't all that "baby")

Here is her room now

I'm actually really pleased with it - and she was THRILLED. I have some canvas boards that I'm going to let her color and decorate to have art for above the bed - which I think will give it a bit more of a child flair.   And will also give her a sense that she contributed to her own room - since she basically had no say what so ever.

I'm sure, in the not so distant future, she'll want something different.  And I'll tell her to go butt a stump.  


Cats & Water Stumble Upon Digg It! Add to Delicious Add to Technorati


An alternate title for this post was going to be: Seriously? NO! SERIOUSLY?!?!

And not just because I watch a lot of Grey's Anatomy but because SERIOUSLY!?!

I'm sure some of you remember that it wasn't long ago that we were giving swimming lessons in the basement of the house because the pressure release valve blew.  Nothing we could have done about it.  The house apparently seems to be at an age where it's bones are staring to creak and break and there's only so much of a preemptive strike you can do.

Not much to do but suck it up and pay the plumber.

We've been in discussion for a while about the possibility of a pet.  Our daughter is at an age where she's old enough to appreciate and also possibly be a tad bit responsible enough to have one.  Not to mention, I think it's important for children to grow up with a pet.  You ever talked to someone as an adult that said "I never had a pet when I was a kid"...and for some reason people instantly feel sorry for them?  Like what they were really saying was that their parents locked them in the closet, fed them liver and never let them watch The Great Space Coaster.  Yea.  It's like that.  If you don't get a pet as a kid - you grow up to be THAT guy.

Here's the problem.  I'm a dog person.  My daughter is a cat person. And my husband doesn't give a shit - as long as he doesn't have to DEAL with the shit.

So, after a heated discussion (that took all of 10 minutes) we decided to get a cat.  Here's the rub:

I'm allergic to cats.

I know. I know.  Get an iguana.  I've heard it before.  Not very cuddly.

The truth is, I was raised with cats.  I mean....we think she was a cat.  Mom says she was...but I'm pretty sure she was part Doberman and part Puma.  That cat hated everyone but Mom.  She would sit at the bottom of the stairs and wait for me to head upstairs and then attack my ankles.  Still have the scars to prove it, y'all.

So, it's all about WHICH cat and what are the rules.  Long hair cats are automatically out.  There are, apparently, some cats that just shed less - and have a "different" dander then some.  So, the search for the perfect kitty was on.  Hundreds of internet sites are bookmarked....Tons of emails have been sent out.

And then the water supply line into the house blew.

Plumbers are coming tomorrow to charge me $3400 to rip up my front yard and put new pipe in.

The kitty dream is dead.  Thank God we didn't mention any of this to our daughter or else she would grow up to be THAT girl.  The parents who dangled a cute little kitty in front of her and then ripped it away for a plumbing job.

This last week has mostly been a blur.  I had days that I went to work.  I had days that I went and worked on the deck again.  And days of trying to pick up the slack on everything that wasn't getting done because I was going to work and/or working on a deck.

I suppose the main reason why it's been a blur is because it's 200 DEGREES outside.  If I have to hear my mother say one more time "drink some water" or "jump in the pool to cool off"...well, I'll just...probably drink some more water or jump in the pool to cool off.  Because it's too hot to argue with her.

We are getting much closer to the half way point on this deck - so we are starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  However, by the time we're done we are all going to be so sick of hanging out with each other that I'm not going to be able to enjoy it.  Not to mention I think they might still be pissed that I screamed bloody murder when he was about to chop through a power line.  Which turned out to be an orange colored tree vine.  Honest mistake...but everyone had to change their shorts after that.

I did, however, find time to make a gift basket for my best friend.  She's recently married and they bought themselves a farm house out in the boonies.  They are going to fix it up and mow the back 40 and milk cows...or something.  All I know is that a new china place setting wasn't the appropriate gift for someone who's ripping down dry wall and re-plastering walls.

Everything I put in the basket is below.  Emergency items for home rebuilding.

And some girly stuff.   And squeaky tennis balls for her dogs.  And a fire extinguisher.

Probably easier to just get them a Home Depot gift card....But then what would I use all my tulle for?


Piddle Stumble Upon Digg It! Add to Delicious Add to Technorati


A few months ago my husband and I started the process of getting new Life Insurance policies.  The ones we currently have are fine, I guess, but after talking about it for a while we realized that should anything every happen to him - my daughter and I would have to move in with my Mom.  I already used the one "move back" that she gave all of us kids back in my 20's. So, that wouldn't be an option.  Not to mention they are always renovating rooms and decks in that house - and I don't want to have to work that hard.

So, we looked into other options and found a better policy for about the same price as what we are paying now.  Problem with new life insurance policies is there is a boat load of paperwork to fill out.  And mess up.  And then fill out correctly.  Plus, there is that whole nurse coming to your house and taking your blood and pee and stuff. It's a very bizarre feeling sitting at your own kitchen table and having a stranger stick needles in your arm...The whole while talking about how much she loves the show True Blood.  Totally not kidding.

I mentioned to my Mom a couple of weeks ago that I would be late to work one day because said Nurse was coming in the morning, and how much it was going to suck because you have to fast. The only thing I'm allowed to have is either water or black coffee for the 10 hours leading up to her arrival.  She told me that many years ago she had to go through the same thing, however HER appointment was at 4:00 in the afternoon. At least mine was in the morning - so technically most of my fasting was while I was sleeping.  She had to spend her entire day at home - with nothing but water.  Turns out that the weird guy that came to get her pee actually made a COMMENT about how clear it was...."My Word! You are very hydrated aren't you!"

Fast forward to my appointment.  I spent the better portion of the morning drinking water - mostly because I ALWAYS have a drink in front of me.  Weird True Blood Nurse shows up and gives me my little cup.  I fill it up to the little black line, wash my hands, and give her my sample.  When I handed it back to her, I actually said, OUT LOUD - "Hey Look! Mine looks just like Mom's!"

Do you have any idea how hard it is to explain to someone that you don't actually spend a lot of time comparing urine sample's with your Mother?


Sunday Potluck Stumble Upon Digg It! Add to Delicious Add to Technorati


There is nothing better than a bunch of good Christian women getting together to feed the masses. At my church, we'll eat for a slew of reasons.  Someone died, someone was born, someone is leaving or joining. We make food when folks are sick and when they get better.  I've been a member of this church for as long as I can remember and one thing is for sure....Those women can cook.

I've gotten to an age now that it's only right that I start doing my share - truth be told - that time past a while ago.  So, this last weekend I pulled my weight.

I took a couple recipes from my new favorite cookbook, The Pioneer Woman Cooks - and also nabbed a casserole recipe from my Mama.  Three dishes in total and just pray that one turns out okay.  Last thing you want to do is bring crappy food to a Sunday Potluck. And trust me, you'll know if it's crappy....It'll be the casserole dish left with only one scoop out. Then you have to make the walk of shame to the big garbage can and dump the leftovers out.

Here's the casserole I took from Mama..It turned out pretty well and pretty easy to make.  (full recipe at the bottom)

Here's what you'll need

Saute up the green peppers and onion with 4 tbsp of butter - just until soft

Add the soft bread crumbs, corn and eggs.  Mix it all together and then pour into an 8 inch, greased, baking dish

Melt the last tablespoon of butter, mix with the dry bread crumbs and sprinkle on top. Bake, uncovered, for about 30 minutes at 350 degrees.

Take out the casserole

Sit down and enjoy a job well done with a cold beer and read about Cheesecake

Have your husband and daughter do the dishes

Next time I'm going to try without green peppers and double the onion and also see if sweet corn would make a difference.  Now I will say that my husband thought it could use more salt...However, he and my daughter aren't happy unless they are licking salt off of crackers...So, if you fall into that category....go for it.

Corn Casserole
1/2 cup chopped green peppers
1/4 cup chopped onion
5 tbsp butter - divided
2 cups soft bread crumbs
2 cans (8 1/2 oz) cream style corn
1 can (11 oz) whole kernel corn - drained
2 eggs
1/4 cup dry bread crumbs

It's been an interesting couple weeks here on the home front.  School officially ended - and summer camp officially started.  To her, it's a big freakin' deal. To me - it just means I don't have homework duty and don't have to worry about school uniforms.  Other than that, it's the same routine, same school, same kids and same weekly bill.

Oh, we also bought a shed. That was the other interesting part - but I'm sure y'all don't give a crap about my new shed.

So, we've decided to transition to public school in the Fall and there's all this paperwork I have to fill out.  Apparently the lady that takes the paperwork is taking the whole month of July off so I had to get it done quickly. Doctors notes, original birth certificate and the original Deed for the house.  Yea.  I have no freakin' idea where that is.  So in it's place I took our mortgage bill, a water bill and a electric bill - all of them show our address & phone number. I assumed it would be enough.

I was wrong.  Apparently she has a "check list" that she goes through for registration and it clearly says ON THE CHECKLIST, "Deed".  Therefore I have to have the deed.  Think about it, y'all! She breaks the rule for one parent and the next thing you know the whole public school system is down the tubes! Parents signing their children up for school with magazine subscriptions - junk mail - and all those other things that read "Resident" in your mailbox.

I also managed to piss her off.  WITHOUT EVEN TRYING.  I was raised to say Ma'am and Sir. So, every time she asked me a question I would say "Yes Ma'am".  It wasn't until the whole meeting was over that she turned to me and said "By the way, My name is Sally - Not Ma'am".  Well shit. I'm making a GREAT first impression. My kid is going to get the teacher that picks his nose or won't actually memorize her name until the school year is almost over.

And lastly, since I figured I had already stuck my foot in my mouth, I mentioned that I'm very nervous about the bus.  "What are the procedures? Does she get help finding her classroom? Is there a buddy system or something? I'm just nervous she'll get lost or get on the wrong bus."

"Well, I certainly can't say we've never lost a child.  But they always turn up"

This is why I drink.


Farmer I Am Not Stumble Upon Digg It! Add to Delicious Add to Technorati


It's a wonder I look forward to summer.  I imagine it's more because I detest the cold - but so many things just, well, suck, in the summer - that I almost forget that I hate the cold.  And almost all of my problems are centrally located in my backyard.

Let me start of by saying that in a perfect world (and by perfect I mean where I have lots and lots of money) this is not what my backyard would look like.  I don't really care for the patio. I can't stand those beams around it. The whole thing has sunk over the years - and during really bad storms the water comes crashing into the basement window wells and we have leaking issues.  The whole yard needs to be re-graded, the patio removed, the beams removed.....blahblahblah.  It's a lot of work - and a lot of money.

So, I do the best I can with what I have. I move on! I'm glass HALF FULL!  I try to move the eye from the ugly to the pretty! Flowers! Bushes! Trees!

However...the ugly is winning the battle.  There's only so much I can do.

Exhibit 1:  My husband is a dork. And decided to get in a snow ball fight with my daughter...and apparently threw an ice ball instead.  See?  He still hasn't fixed it - so everytime it rains...or the wind blows...it shreds just a little bit more.

Exhibit 2:  My daughter is over the moon for green peppers and tomatoes.  I can't buy them fast enough for her. Awesome...I know! But expensive as crap. So, brilliant me decided to grow her OWN freakin' vegetables this year.  And now the sun is just killing them! Killing Them! The sun exploded over my backyard and there is nothing I can do except build the vegetables a tent.

A letter from the Home Owners Association will be coming any day now, I'm sure.  It will be addressed to "White Trash Neighbors".


Extra Crispy Stumble Upon Digg It! Add to Delicious Add to Technorati


The summer between high school and college was a busy one.  Saying goodbye to old friends and making sure you get in all the partying you possibly can before everyone leaves.  Most of my friends were packing trunks for far away exotic schools.   I was unable to go away to college - so I didn't really have to pack, or shop, or really anything.  All I needed was a parking pass for the local Community College.....and a tan.

Spent a few days at the beach the week before school started and convinced myself that I could get a fantastic tan - in two days. It sounds logical when your 18.   So, what does a dumb ass like me do? I laid out - from about 10 in the morning to almost 6 at night (I also never turned over). At about that time my mom came outside to basically CALL me a dumb ass and to get my lobster body back inside. 

By the way, I guess it's important to mention that I wasn't wearing any sunscreen.  At all. I know.  Dumb Ass.

I won't tell the whole story, because honestly it's kind of gross and depressing - but let's just say after everything was said and done I wept through my first college class, got thrown out because I was scaring people - and ended up in the ER with 2nd degree burns on both my legs and arms. 

Thus started the next 20 years of everyone in my life being on sun screen patrol.

This last week my husband and I got to spend a few days in Key West.  Parts of the trip were great - some parts not so much.  Like Delta losing our luggage.  That was awesome. We learned a new acronym for Delta while we were there....Don't Expect Luggage Too Arrive.  Funny, huh? Yeah, we were laughing our sweaty, nasty, non-teeth brushed asses off for a whole day.

When the luggage finally arrived, we decided my husband would just go get it...Instead of trusting them to deliver it to us - and I sat by the pool to wait for him.  2....maybe 3 hours total in the sun.

Ever been to Key West? It's fun isn't it? You know what else it is? It's a million miles closer to the sun. It's a special kind of sun down there - with a really special kind of heat. It's hot. We had the air conditioning in the room set to 63. And it wasn't even all that cold.

By Thursday night we knew I was going to have an issue - and by Friday morning I couldn't walk anymore. My right leg and ankle had swollen up so much it was starting to resemble my neck.

A week later - I've seen two different doctors - have about 2000 mg of drugs to take - some sticky white cream that I have to lather on 4 times a day - and a leg that STILL resembles a neck of a WWF wrestler.  It's also a really interesting purple/blackish color. Ugly and crusty. Totally gross.  I'm going to tell people that I saved people from a burning building....Because no one believes me when I say it came from the sun.  So, it still looks gross - but I'll be a hero. And not get that "you fucking idiot" look from everyone.

Oh, and my Mom? She's PISSED. Like UBER pissed.  But it's that scary pissed that a mom gets - when it's laced with sweetness and wanting to take care of you....But you know when you start to heal and get better she's going to beat you to death with a bottle of Aloe.

The only good thing that has come out of this is that I have sufficiently scared the shit out of my kid.  Now she's afraid to go to the grocery store without sunscreen.  She's determined to NEVER be as stupid as her mother.

I'm a walking Public Service Announcement.  Except I'm not really walking all that well...more of a limping hobbling PSA.


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About a week ago, I said something that hurt my mother's feelings - and as punishment I had to go over to her house and build her a deck.

I'm exaggerating.  But only slightly. I did say something that hurt her feelings. And I did go over and help with the deck.

15 years ago, the three of us built the deck on the back of their house.  I learned yesterday that it's 1400 square feet of deck.  I don't think you really realize how freakin' big 1400 square feet is until you have to build it - or you move into your first apartment.  Because yesterday, while demoing our creation from 15 years ago it dawned on me just HOW LARGE their deck is...and how very small my first apartment was - comparatively speaking.

So, it's time for the old to come out and for the new to go in.  They got a quote for some new uber cool boards that they are going to use - and then the quote for just delivery of the boards and the quote if someone ELSE would build the deck for them.  Let's just say it was an easy choice to build it themselves.

There are muscles in my body right now that are screaming - and these are muscles that I didn't even know I had. My ass hurts. It hurts to sit down. It hurts to get back up. It hurts to bend over. I actually had to ask my daughter to get my shoes on for me this morning.  It's times like these where you realize you really need to get into the gym.

But given the way I feel I would rather blow up the nearest gym and then go for ice cream and watch it burn.

While sitting on the couch last night I asked my daughter to please not hurt herself in any way because I just didn't think I could muster the energy to save her life. Or even get up for a band-aid.  That's how awesome I am.

I could tell you how awesome my Mom and I are with power tools, or how every single time we accidentally killed an earth worm we would apologize - or how I wasn't allowed to kill any of the 5 million spiders that tried to eat me....But even the tips of my fingers hurt, so this is all you get.

Please send ice packs.

It all started with my folks having to go downtown. He had a "thing" at work. She wanted to go see it. I said I wanted to go too.  What follows is why my mother and I should not be allowed together, in public, without supervision.  Or maybe just not allowed together at all.  Or maybe neither one of us should be allowed out of our homes- regardless of if we are together or not.

We don't go downtown all that often. So when it happens it's kind of an experience. We have to figure how we're going to get there, what we're going to wear, what time we're going to leave, when we'll get home, when the sun will rise, what we will be doing every second we are there, and what shape the moon will be in later that evening.  It's kind of a big deal.  Which to the males in our lives...going downtown is kind of .... "meh".  They do it everyday.

We had a few hours to ourselves to just walk around - no problem. Shops, sightseeing, people watching. Turns out this week is the Policy Unity Tour downtown, so there are about 5 gazillion cops downtown. Makes you feel pretty safe actually. They are pretty easy to pick out - turns out cops come from far and wide to unite for fallen brothers & sisters.  However, they can get pretty rowdy when the sun goes down.  While standing at a street corner waiting to cross...MY mother says:

"You could jaywalk anywhere in town today and no one would care since all the cops are probably already drunk!"  and from directly behind we hear...

"Not quite yet"

Turns out we were standing right in front of a cop and his lovely girlfriend.

Score 1 for Mom and I.

Shortly after that we were chased down an alley by some crazy man talking to himself...or us....or his imaginary friend. We really didn't want to stick around and ask him who in the hell he was talking to.  Or if the voices spoke back to him.

And after THAT some greasy guy asked me for money, and when I POLITELY shook my head.....Well, let's just say he said things about me that I won't repeat on this blog.  And y'all KNOW the language I use on this blog.

When we finally made it into his office, we learned that apparently my mother and I are wanted criminals.....Because it's the kind of office where we have to wear tags with a big red V on it and be escorted every where we go.  Including the restroom.  So, it was actually all very cool and spy'ish. Except I learned that my mother can't be cool when trying to be stealthy trying to sneak to the bathroom without trying to be noticed.  I'm never taking her to break into a bank.  She'll totally break my cover.

That was after we were locked in an office for an hour and decided to put lotion on our feet because we had nothing else better to do. And then realized that the lotion was so slippery and gooey that when we put our shoes back on we both fell flat on our faces. So we spent a good 10 minutes trying to wipe the lotion off - only to realize that we were trying to wipe the lotion off with tissues with lotion built in.

You need to understand at this point in the story that we have yet to actually start the reception or meet another living soul.  We just do this when we're alone.  And frighteningly so, sober.

We managed to get our shit together by party time. We were cool, calm, collected.  We met people, we shook hands - we were thrilled to meet all the folks he worked with. It was a great reception.  We met people we've only heard stories about - and finally got to put faces to names.  And apparently for them as well.  People seemed excited to meet us as well.

And I have to say - I think I have "some girls" now.  Even if I did say to one of them that the lady bug pendant that she was thinking about buying was, indeed, not cute.  And they did ask me a few times if my soda was, in fact, ONLY soda.  I'm sure that was said out of love.

We ended the day with a final restroom break and while using the facilities I chatted away at Mom's feet.  Only to realize while standing out in the hallway waiting for her - that my Mom was on the other side of the building.  I have absolutely no idea who the hell I was talking to in the bathroom.  Or what the hell I said.


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Very few days go by that I don't talk to my best friend. Most of those conversations are nonsense.

I called her the other day to tell her that some lady was walking her dog. In a baby stroller. You can't make this shit up y'all.  She was walking.  With a dog. In a baby stroller. And she was stopping every so often, and peering inside...petting him...and then would continue to walk. I was stuck at an goose accident.  Again, you can't make this crap up. Some asshole hit a goose on a small road behind my house. So, I got to spend a good 10 minutes watching this woman...I don't know...Stroll her dog.

It was one of the weirdest things I had ever seen.  So I called her.

That's what I do when I see stupid shit. I call her.
It's also what I do when I DO stupid shit. I call her. And she agrees. "Wow, you're a stupid shit."

We also talk about Lost.  A lot.  We're scared that come the end of May we won't have anything to talk about anymore and our friendship will end.  I feel as though that as long as there are stupid people in the world, our friendship will survive.

Anyway, I was talking to her the other day - and I'm not entirely sure what we were talking about - but somehow we got on the subject of Cinco De Mayo.  And me, being the stupid shit said, "When is that?"

I'll wait here......Done?  Ok.

We laughed for a while and I explained that on MY calendar at work it doesn't say 'Cinco De Mayo', it says "Battle of Puebla". So, of course we both immediately looked it up.  Thanks Wikipedia.

The point of this post is that neither of us knew WHY we drink on Cinco De Mayo.

But we drink none the less.
And decided that I need a new calendar.
And a history class.

Happy Battle of Puebla Day!!

So much - and so little - has happened over the last week or so that none of it really will fill a whole post...So it's all here. Just sort of thrown all together like left over's. Consider it Soapbox Stew, if you will. Except no one likes stew when it's 80 degrees outside. So, serve it with a nice frosty beer...That's what I do.

My basement flooded. Again. Asshole basement. My daughter and I were all dressed and ready for church, when my heathen husband was downstairs about to start some laundry.  I heard some...grumbling...coming from the lower level and decided to check it out. The carpet squishes now when you walk on it. It's very cool.  There was also a large spider on the wall when all of this was going on. Which was ALL the child could fixate on. My husband and I were, obviously, concerned with the two feet of water in the FINISHED portion of our basement and where it had come from and she was all AND LET'S NOT FORGET THE SPIDER! HELLO! PARENTS! RIGHT THERE! BLACK WIDOW! Turns out the pressure release valve blew, or some shit like that.  I sent her to church with her Grandparents and spent the next two days moping up water and rolling up very wet carpet. Oh, and yes, I killed the spider.  I'm pretty sure all this happened because my husband doesn't go to church with us.  He'll learn eventually.


I went to a bachlorette party a few weeks ago.  It was all mostly low key and just gals hanging out for dinner and drinks and celebrating an upcoming wedding.  I got the chance to meet some nice ladies - and think I might have made some new friends.  I spent a good amount of time chatting with this one lady who, like me, felt a little old to be doing "bachlorette" sort of things - but certainly didn't feel too old to sit at the bar and drink and mock those that WERE doing the bachlorette things.  We were sharing some of the lamer things about ourselves when I shared that I have this weird thing about copying accents. Even when I don't mean to. (I shared this because the bride is marrying a British guy...and I can't seem to stop blurting out BANGERS & MASH! WANKER! BOLLOCKS!) She laughed a bit, and then asked me if I had Tourette's.

She was dead serious.

"No, sweetie. I'm just a dork who has an I.Q. of a sandwich."


As I'm typing this, I'm making brownies.  I mixed 'em up and put them in the oven and set the timer for 40 minutes.  But apparently I DIDN'T set the timer, I turned the microwave on. For 40 minutes. I didn't realize for a good 20 minutes.  See? I am a dork.


Also, my crotch feels better. Thanks for asking.

If there is one thing I do really well, it's pee.  Seriously, I'm awesome at it. If there was a category in Pee in the Olympics I would have Gold. Lot's of them. (Mostly because it seems to me that this would not have to be a Winter OR Summer event, which means I could compete every two years)

Not everyone can be as good as me.  There are two things that make you an outstanding pee'er.  How often you go and how fast you can do it.

I'm the girl you WANT to be standing behind in line of a crowded bar with only one stall. Trust me, I can drop trough, pee, wipe, get back in my clothes, flush and get back out in the time that it take most women just to lock the door and pick a  place to put their purse.

I am, however, NOT the girl you want to take long car rides with. 6 hours turns into 7. Every time I stop to pee, I also have to refill my 64 oz. drink. So, yes, I do realize they go hand in hand.  There is not a minute in a day that I do not have some form of liquid in front of me.  And no, I do not have some disease that requires this...I just really like liquid I suppose.

So, you can only imagine my, er, discomfort, on Thursday night - when I COULD NOT PEE AT ALL and this horrible back pain with it.  It honestly felt like all of my internal organs had....fallen down...and were now resting on my bladder.  Friday morning came and went - and still not so much in the pee department.  For someone who is so damn good at pee'ing, you can only imagine how troubling this whole situation was.

As any women would, I jumped to the logical conclusion of a UTI (sorry, guys!) and called my doctor.  They got me in quick enough and a few hours later and I was peeing (or lack there of) in a cup.  To every one's surprise, however, it wasn't what we thought.  No UTI. No kidney infection. No nothing.

So, now what?

Take the drugs for the UTI and let's see what's what.

Just to be on the safe side, I called my OB and relayed the story back to them.

"Hmmmmm" was what I heard. "Given your family history, did they give you a sonogram?".


Words I dread hearing.  I'm plagued with broken twats in my family. I have the only living coochie left on my fathers side that isn't riddled with problems.  My Aunt has survived ovarian and uterine cancer.  My older sister, younger than I am now, had her uterus and one ovary taken out.  We call her the penis sleeve. Her husband prefers penis sock.....Which ever you prefer.  Problem is though, I make it a point of making sure I don't hear those words - because I don't go to the damn doctor.

(please don't leave me comments that I'm an idiot - my mother does this on a regular basis. In it's place you can leave me a comment that says "My dog eats his own shit", and I'll know what you mean)

This time I couldn't get away from it - because my lungs are now resting comfortably on top of my bladder.

Today I saw my OB.  Apparently my left ovary had a ruptured cyst.


I know it's fine.  Really, I do.  I know it happens every day to tons of women. It didn't help that I have to go in tomorrow for further testing and that we talked about base lines, and family history, and uterine walls, cysts, CA 125's, and a whole bunch of other stuff that just sounded like white noise.

It did help though that I can could TELL her that my sister is a penis sleeve and she knew what I was talking about, and to better explain the procedure that I have to have tomorrow she used the words "think of a really really small dildo....with a camera on it".

I really like her.


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I assumed because she was five that she was too young to care about 'all things cool'. So, at this young age she wouldn't care - or even know about - all those annoying things that kids get sucked into and obsess about. Like Hannah Montana or the Jonas Brothers or whatever else is/was hot. Apparently I was wrong.

She's been freaking out lately about High School Musical. Now, I realize that it's already done, out and old - but in this house - it never happened at all. I'm not sure if she got a whiff of it in school, or maybe on video day someone brought it in, but for whatever reason she's been chomping at the bit for me to get her this movie - and I was not about to go out and actually buy these movies (Did you know there are THREE OF THEM?) just to find out that she hated them.  So, I rented them on Netflix.  And then I made the mistake of watching them with her.

And now I have a bit of a crush on Zac Efron. Sigh.

So, I figured because I automatically just crapped on High School Musical when it first came out and never gave it fighting chance, I would give some other movies that I had crapped on a chance.

Like Twilight.

Seriously? Did you guys really like this movie? Did I miss something? Or was it one of those "You needed to read the books?" kind of things? Because I really don't see it! Like....At all! Maybe I'm old school Vampire, but I don't want mine sparkling in the sunlight like a cheap stain glass window. Also I didn't think he was cute. At all. Kind of creepy actually. And most of all - I don't get her. Go, find a nice boy that doesn't sparkle, who eats real food and settle down somewhere - where you don't have to worry about him eating your Poodle!

I have New Moon in my queue, and I'll watch it. Because I'm like that. But I'm sure I'll complain about that as well.


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I've been battling this awesome head cold for about a week. The week before my husband had it - and I'm sure next week my daughter had it. It's the sheer joy of being a family. No germ can come home without it making it's way through everyone, and while although it sucks. - I appreciate at least this time it didn't hit my husband and I at the same time.  I could pick up the slack last week when he was being a loser - and he can pick up the slack this week when I was CURSING HIS NAME FOR GETTING ME SICK.

Seriously, there is nothing that I have not blamed him for in the last week.  Even the zit on my chin. Totally his fault. And you know what? I'm totally justified.  He was sick. He came home and, I don't know, breathed on me. He also used the same chap stick as me. So....I'm kind of putting my money on that one.

So, I'm on the upswing now - and while although not 100% better - I'm at least functioning and I got a little feisty tonight with my husband.

We are "keep a stick of butter out of the fridge" kind of people. There's always some butter that's available under cover for toast, or whatever you wish, when hard butter just won't do. Biggest issue is when you use the last of the soft butter and don't pull a new stick out. The next person has no soft butter. My husband CLAIMS he always does this. Tonight I proved he does not.  He found it very odd and quite humorous that I would keep track of the butter usage.

He compared this to my inability to turn a light off when I leave a room.

And while YES, I do have a problem with this. The difference is - I ADMIT I HAVE A PROBLEM.  I actually TRY to turn the lights off, but for some reason, I just can't do it. He actually believes he ALWAYS replaces the butter!

Do you see the difference?!?! Internet? Do you see?

Ever wanted a waffle but couldn't because all you had was cold hard butter that wouldn't melt on your processed frozen waffle product??

All I'm saying is that I admit my faults.

I can't believe I just wrote a whole post about butter.

I'm not sure when it happened, maybe six months to a year ago, but I know it wasn't my fault. I've depended on my iGoogle page for pretty much everything. It's the home page of every computer I look at during the course of the day. It has a box for my emails, my local weather, calendars, to do lists, reminders, and most importantly, my blog subscriptions.  So you can imagine how irritated I was when Google went and changed the layout. Again, I don't remember when this happened.

Everything was different. Nothing was where it was supposed to be. All of my emails were now partially open which annoyed me to no end.  If I'm not prepared to read an email - I don't want to just read the first sentence. So, I did some searching and apparently there were a group of people out there that were just like me and wanted the old way back. There was a fix. Just click on this and all of your iGoogle problems will go away.  So, I did. And it fixed it.

I didn't realize at the time that I was converting my iGoogle page to a base page in Canada. But at the time I didn't care.  My emails were where they were supposed to be - and my little boxes were all back in their rightful place.

It has, however, causeed some problems over the last year.  Being as my iGoogle page is now firmly planted in Canadian roots - every time I search for something in Google I only get Canadian results.You have any idea how long of a commute it is to get a Tree expert to come and give me an estimate on tree removal from Ontario. And I was equally frustrated to find that a website for a pediatrician that sounded great - was in Alberta.

Watching the Olympics was quite confusing...I didn't know who to root for! Who am I now? Why do I keep cheering for these people in red?!? Google is changing me from the inside out! Why do I care if they get another gold! Stop it Kerrie! Oooh! Look at the pretty red...Listen to your Google!

I tell you all of this because my Canadian iGoogle is broken. My blog subscription list hasn't "listed" anything for about 3 weeks now and I don't know what else to do - because I'm QUITE sure that y'all are still writing stuff.  So, I need someone American to fix me. Send me an American patch. I'm cutting my Canadian ties once and for all.

So, in conclusion, if I haven't posted on your blog in close to a month, it's because Canada made me do it.

So, my kid has a thing for vegetables. Yes, I know....Poor me.  I mean it's not like she WON'T eat a cookie...It's just that she would prefer a big bowl of cherry tomatoes or a green pepper with salt and pepper.  Yea, yea...I know....Poor me.

You have any idea how expensive green peppers are though - and how hard it is to find a GOOD pepper in the middle of winter in my area? This is a typical conversation before I run out of the house to pick up a few things at the store:

Me:  Honey, I'm running to the market - Do you need anything?
Him:  Oh, yea - I ran out of shaving cream. And could you pick up some coffee filters.
Me:  Sure.  Sweetie! Mommy is running to the store! Want anything special?
Her:  Yea! Green Peppers and a rutabaga! But only if the green peppers look good. No squishy peppers! If not green, then red. If not red - get yellow.

So, last summer my folks starting growing a garden in their backyard. It was great when we went over to hang out by the pool because anytime she wanted a snack we could essentially just POINT to the other end of the yard and she could yank a tomato off the vine and eat it, and then jump in the pool to wash off.  (just another reason why I hate winter and am counting the days to summer. I have to actually WASH my kid in the winter)

So, with all the picking and the eating and the washing, they were able to get her to try a few different things.  One of those things was a Jalapeno pepper.  Because that's fun y'all.  And honestly - if she's gonna get the shits - it's gonna happen at MY house...So, why not?!?

Well, she loved it.  So now every time I go to the store and have to take her with me, it's all, "Mama get me a HOLLOW PEEEENO. And I usually say no. Why? I have no idea. It just seems weird I guess.  Buying ONE jalapeno so she can have a zesty snack? Not to mention it's not going to fill her up, so 10 minutes later she's just going to ask for some bok choy anyway!

Well, this last weekend I gave in and got her one pepper. She was so excited to get home and eat it, I couldn't help but be excited as well.

We got home and I sliced it open and got the seeds out. I cut a little piece off for her to try - just to make sure it was what she remembered and not too hot.  She plopped it in her mouth like a champ and was all "Hell Yea!".  So, off she went with the rest of her jalapeno.  I threw the knife in sink walked away to the bathroom to blow my nose.

This is where it all went to shit.

About the time I finished blowing my nose - she came running back into the kitchen spitting and screaming "Wrong Pepper Mama! Wrong Pepper Mama!" and this is right about the time I started thinking what the shit is wrong with my nose-holy crap-is there actual FLAME coming out of my nose-i think i just set the bathroom on fire.

Three hours later we can only assume that the peppers at my local grocer were mislabeled and I did not buy a jalapeno, I bough a habanero and essentially tried to kill myself and my child.  We also figured out that I don't know JACK about hot peppers because I've been told BY MANY PEOPLE that it's pretty easy to tell the difference between the two.

My daughter isn't mad.  In fact, after the whole thing was over, she looked at me quite casually and said "So....we shouldn't buy peppers anymore. Just eat them at Grand mommy's."

Good idea Kid.  Let THEM burn your face off.

Update:  I'm not entirely convinced it was a habanero. I've looked at pictures on the internet and they don't look ANYTHING alike. I'm thinking it might have been a Thai Pepper.   It still makes me an idiot...but they look much more a like.


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You know that phrase "one-two punch"? We're well past that. We've been punched repeatedly and left bleeding in the ring - except we don't have one of those guys like Rocky did with a glass of water and razor blade to cut our eye open so we can see again.

According to people smarter than me - we've had more snow this winter season than any winter season on record. Apparently they have been keeping records for 126 years...so technically NO ONE ALIVE has ever seen this much snow in this area. Isn't that FASCINATING? Yea, I don't think it is either. Additionally to a 126 year record breaking snow fall - we also have had more snow this winter than places that are supposed to get a lot of snow. Like Chicago. Or Minneapolis. And FARGO NORTH DAKOTA. You know what? That's why I don't live there. I didn't see that movie Fargo...but I know two things. They talk a little funny...and there was snow. A lot of it.

So, two weeks ago it started with a sick kid. And not the kind you can, you know, like FIX with drugs and stuff. It's that stupid word viral. Which in non-doctor terms means "Sucks To Be You Mom". So, she was home for almost the entire week.  Then we got five feet of snow dropped on top of us in two serperate installments which essentially shut the entire state down for another week and a half.

We lost power for almost an entire day. That was fun too. I'll tell you what...I could never be Amish. Neither could my kid. I thought her head was going to explode. I had fun explaining to her that back in the OLDEN days...There WAS no Wii.  She actually feels sorry for her Grandparents. The horrible lives they must have lived....walking uphill to school both ways, holding a Wii controller in their hand, but nothing to use it on.

So, eventually you make it out of your house - if for nothing else but to restock on beer, frozen dinners and juice boxes and that's when you get thrown in jail for cramming a snow shovel up someones ass.  I'm no expert by any means - and when Town Official People tell me to stay off the roads or else I may die, I listen - however I know the general rule of driving in the snow if I have to.

First.  Get the snow off your car. I love it when huge shards of ice and crap come flying at my windshield. It's like a video game.  jerk wad.

Second. Don't slam on the brakes when you are on an incline...Especially if I'm behind you. douche bag.

Third. Driving like Ms. Daisy is not necessarily making you safer than everyone else...It's actually pissing everyone off because now we can't get any traction. asshole.

The slow process of digging out has begun and I'm sure in a few weeks when the slow thaw begins I'll start bitching about the water damage in the basement.  Woot!

Update:  Apparently the guy that cuts your eye open is called a Cutman. A bit on the nose don't you think.

Update 2:  I thought that the Cutman from Rocky was Burgess Meredith...(that old guy from Grumpy Old Men) but it wasn't. I think that movie would have been much better if Burgess Meredith had slashed his eye open.

Update 3: I have no idea why I'm talking about this - I actually hate that movie. But not Burgess Meredith. He could call me if he wanted to.

Update 4:  Shit. Nevermind. He's dead. That phone call would scare the crap out of me.

We have had an uncivilized amount of snow this winter. I mean, truly, I don't think that snow is one of the 10 plagues...(because really, that's kind of a stupid plague) but I'm calling SNOW PLAGUE NUMBER 11. You know WHY? Because you get stuck. In your house. With your family. And there really is only so many times you can play Candy Land until you start bleeding from your eyes. And bleeding from your eyes ranks right up there with frogs and festering boils.

Additionally, snow is wet. It makes everything around it wet. For a long time. And when the snow keeps coming and coming and coming - it never melts. (I know, I'm a freaking genius right?) Now, it's not like anything round these parts is green and pretty around this time of year - but the wet and the moist just makes it worse. The grass and shrubs just aren't brown and dead, they are brown and dead and squishy.

Except for my neighbor. Somehow all of her snow melts. And somehow her grass is green. Like REALLY green. Lush and blooming. It's unnatural. Also, her car never seems to have that constant white film on it from all the salt and crap from the roads. Witch! Dark Magic! I'm positive she's got some serious dark mojo incense burning in her basement - which I BET doesn't have a mildew or musty smell to it!

In completely unrelated news - I got a nasty gram that I haven't' posted in like two weeks. It wasn't really nasty at all really - it was more of a "dude, where are you?" - and I was all "Oh, shit has it really been two weeks!?" You would think by being locked inside my house for the last month with no where to go I would time to sit and write something. But the truth is - when you are locked in your house nothing really funny happens. And I don't think y'all want to hear about my bleeding eyes or endless games of 'Guess Who'.

I did spend a lot of time of Haiti Relief. See?

That's a lot of toothbrushes y'all. Lots of people from my office and my church pitched in and we donated to a missionary group that was setting sail for Haiti at the end of January. Felt good to contribute SOMETHING since I'm broke.

But probably the most exciting news is that LOST is back on. There is much rejoicing in my house. Well, except for the five year old. I try to explain it to her - but alternate time lines seem to leave her cold and she phases out after about five minutes and she just starts mumbling "Candy Land" over and over again.

I wonder if the Witch could explain it to her.


Going Public Stumble Upon Digg It! Add to Delicious Add to Technorati


Some of you may remember when I admitted here that I was a little crazy, and probably in some need of therapy or at the very least some prescription medication. Now, while some of you may think it was 'brave' to admit my issue here, the truth is, none of you know me and couldn't pick me out of line up if given the chance. So, it wasn't all that brave. Additionally, outside of my immediate family, most of my friends don't know I'm crazy.  So, admitting here was more of a "I have to tell someone or go even more crazy, and I'm sure as shit not going to tell someone that actually comes to my house".

Since then things have been about the same. The night long panic attacks have been less, I'll admit, but the constant worrying over things is still always there. Problem is that the older she gets, the more activities there are and the more she's "out there".  The latest and greatest of these activities is Girl Scouts.  My girl is a Daisy now. Yes, it's all very cute and sweet and Girl Power - but I was slightly disillusioned about what the whole thing was about.  I thought at THIS age, it was mostly just going to be meetings, and coloring and songs and some stupid crap. I didn't think the girls were actually going to GO places. I mean, they are only FIVE for crying out loud.

So, last night was our third meeting.  At this point I would say I've only learned about half of the other mom's names and just learned what it means to "iron on" petals - when we got the schedule for the next three months. We spent about 30 seconds discussing each item and quickly moved on to the next...and this is when my heart palpitations kicked in.  One of the activities involves dropping our girls off and THEN LEAVING THEM for quite some time. Even as I type these words I realize what a complete and total asshole I sound like for even freaking out about this, but my immediate thought was "over my dead body".

Here's the thing.  I don't know these people. I only hired a babysitter after she babysat for a friend of mine for over two years. But I just found it shocking that not one Mom had any questions about this outing. Everyone just nodded their head, and we moved on.  So, I think I might have inadvertently gone public last night with my...issues. With my daughters Girl Scout Troop. "Are you going to be responsible for our girls? Who's going to watch them? If I drop off my daughter DO YOU GUARANTEE ON YOUR LIFE THAT SHE WILL BE THERE WHEN I GET BACK?"

I never really got firm answers to my questions, but I did get some funny looks, and a few ladies asked me if I only had one child.

Yea, like I haven't heard THAT before.


Turn To The Dark Side Stumble Upon Digg It! Add to Delicious Add to Technorati


It happened again.

Around the beginning of December, most of the TV/Movie/Music magazines I read were doing their usual "Best Of The Year" lists. Entertainment Weekly (online) has some great "Best Of" lists, that for the most part I've usually agreed with it - be it music, television or movies. (Just because I don't actually see movies IN the theater doesn't mean I don't actually SEE the movies. I just see them a year after everyone else does).

However, at the end of this last year not only did we get the "Best Of The Year" lists, we also got a lot of "Best of the Decade" lists.  Most of these lists didn't surprise me. I haven't watched all these shows, but I've certainly heard enough water cooler talk about them to know that they were insanely popular - so not surprised to see them on a "Best Of" list of any kind.  Like The Sopranos.  Or The Office.  Or Arrested Development.

I was, however, surprised to see Battlestar Galactica.

Now you guys know how EASILY sucked into something I am.  Already in the last year my husband has somehow just merely MENTIONED a show...and the next thing we know I've watched TEN freakin' season of Stargate SG1.  TEN SEASONS! That's devotion y'all. And then to further my embarrassment I jumped right into Stargate Atlantis right after I was done with that.

Netflix was created for people like me.

So, I'm reading through this "Best Of" list and I'm slightly surprised to see Battlestar there. Really? Best of? Why did my husband never mention it to me? Actually, as a matter of fact I do believe that he even once said  that I wouldn't like it all that much.

Too Late.  I'm knee deep in Cylons, and the search for Earth and the Final Five...whatever the shit that means. I keep running into the other room and screaming things like "Holy Crap is Starbuck a Cylon!?! NO! Don't tell me! Go Away!"

And he's all...."I'm in the shower you crazy woman....YOU go away."

The sad thing is...I KNEW going into this that this show ended badly. I mean, I remember when the whole show was over and my husband was upset.  It was like that whole Soprano debacle. I never watched it, but I knew people were pissed with how that show ended.  And even knowing that....I've invested this time in a show I KNOW is going to end badly.

I'm pretty sure my turn to the dark side is almost complete.  I'll be going out this weekend to buy some 12 sided dice so I can start working on my charisma points.

P.S.          If that last sentence makes no sense to you, or if it isn't funny at all...You've never dated/married or MET anyone that's into D&D.
P.P.S.      That's probably a good thing
P.P.P.S.   I find it very funny that the only word in this post that the spellchecker won't give up on is Cylon.

I had this great post put together about parents that will babysit for you, and Avatar and how awesome it is to get out of the house for a few hours because oh-my-gosh-being-stuck-in-the-house-for-two-weeks-with-a-five-year-old-was-making-my-brain-bleed. But I'm going to have to save it for another day because, well,  that was pretty much it, and I was going to have to make it stretch.

However, I was thinking the other day about an article that I read a long time ago. I'm not sure who wrote it, or even why, but the basic premise of the article was do's and don't for bloggers. It was years ago that I read it, and I think that some of the rules have changed somewhat. I don't remember a lot of them - probably because I break all of them. They were things like:

  • Blog on a regular schedule. Try a Monday, Wednesday, Friday routine.
  • Don't curse too much. Don't alienate your readers.
  • Try to keep your post topics up to date and current.
See? What jerk wad wrote this?

However, the ONE rule that has stuck with me, and I have no idea why, was way down on the list:

"Don't ever start a blog post with the words, "The thing you don't know about me is....."

I wonder why? I don't think that would bother ME all that much if someone else said that. I mean, what IS a blog if it isn't about YOU? Right? However, I've gone back and realized that I have, in fact, never started a blog with those words.  But I am going to use them now.

The thing you don't know about me is that I sell Avon part time.  (This is leading somewhere, I swear. And it's not a sales pitch) I've been doing it for a while now, and I enjoy it a great deal.  It's a little extra money in our pockets and it keeps me from selling all our stuff on Ebay.  It works with my already full time job and I can do as little or as much as I want.

Anyway...for every company that sells something, there are people that are going to try to scam you. You just have to be smart and read between the lines.  Chances are if some lady wants some body wash and a tube of lipstick it's legit.  But when you get orders for 47 orders of Anew and 37 watches....Raises a red flag, right.  How many arms do you have?

Other day I get an email just like this except this time, it's with the sad story.  She's a single mother of two who fallen on hard times, but absolutely loves the products.  However, she does not deal with credit cards (ding, ding, ding) at all.  If I could please order these 38 things for her, she would really appreciate it.  If I could please send her my PERSONAL (like hell) contact information, she'll be sure to send me the money (I'm so sure).

Here's the best part of the email.  I've cut and paste it so you can see it in it's pure glory:

you dont need to be bothered by the shipment i have a shipper that ships for me and shipper is always busy, but the shipper has been shipping for me for the last 5 years so after you have received no problem about shipping.

What? Who? What shipper? And who's busy? Me or your shipper? And if your shipper has been doing this for five years, than why don't you go ask THEM for the 38 things that you want? I would also like to add that the entire email was like this. One enormous run on sentence with no punctuation or capitalized letters.

It was extraordinary.  It was like those emails you get from the President of Bahrain offering to send you millions of dollars if you'll only send him your social security number.