So much - and so little - has happened over the last week or so that none of it really will fill a whole post...So it's all here. Just sort of thrown all together like left over's. Consider it Soapbox Stew, if you will. Except no one likes stew when it's 80 degrees outside. So, serve it with a nice frosty beer...That's what I do.
My basement flooded. Again. Asshole basement. My daughter and I were all dressed and ready for church, when my heathen husband was downstairs about to start some laundry. I heard some...grumbling...coming from the lower level and decided to check it out. The carpet squishes now when you walk on it. It's very cool. There was also a large spider on the wall when all of this was going on. Which was ALL the child could fixate on. My husband and I were, obviously, concerned with the two feet of water in the FINISHED portion of our basement and where it had come from and she was all AND LET'S NOT FORGET THE SPIDER! HELLO! PARENTS! RIGHT THERE! BLACK WIDOW! Turns out the pressure release valve blew, or some shit like that. I sent her to church with her Grandparents and spent the next two days moping up water and rolling up very wet carpet. Oh, and yes, I killed the spider. I'm pretty sure all this happened because my husband doesn't go to church with us. He'll learn eventually.
*****
I went to a bachlorette party a few weeks ago. It was all mostly low key and just gals hanging out for dinner and drinks and celebrating an upcoming wedding. I got the chance to meet some nice ladies - and think I might have made some new friends. I spent a good amount of time chatting with this one lady who, like me, felt a little old to be doing "bachlorette" sort of things - but certainly didn't feel too old to sit at the bar and drink and mock those that WERE doing the bachlorette things. We were sharing some of the lamer things about ourselves when I shared that I have this weird thing about copying accents. Even when I don't mean to. (I shared this because the bride is marrying a British guy...and I can't seem to stop blurting out BANGERS & MASH! WANKER! BOLLOCKS!) She laughed a bit, and then asked me if I had Tourette's.
She was dead serious.
"No, sweetie. I'm just a dork who has an I.Q. of a sandwich."
*****
As I'm typing this, I'm making brownies. I mixed 'em up and put them in the oven and set the timer for 40 minutes. But apparently I DIDN'T set the timer, I turned the microwave on. For 40 minutes. I didn't realize for a good 20 minutes. See? I am a dork.
*****
Also, my crotch feels better. Thanks for asking.
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7 comments:
We're related. Clearly.
I actually am related to her. She's not lying. Totally a dork. However, she's lying about the sandwich part. I would say her IQ is more like a side-dish, such as fries or cole slaw. Don't underestimate them though, because if it wasn't for them, you might be left hungry after the sandwich. So they are actually pretty smart.
just found your blog from your comment on Mommakiss...
omg!! i read your latest post and YOU ARE FREAKIN' HILARIOUS!!
love it! I'm going back for more!
Ok...you can't end with your crotch feels better. What the fuck? Also, the basement didn't flood cause your husband didn't go to church. Otherwise my whole state would be flooded because of me.
How weird is that, I copy accents too. It was a bitch when I went around Europe.
As a recent finished basement flood victim, I feel your pain. At least mine didn't have any spiders.
After screaming hysterically at the spider, my kids would have then donned their bathing suits and tried to swim in the basement. And I probably would let them. Glad to hear your womanly bits are feeling better. Now send me some brownies, please. Thank you.
I can't believe you made brownies and didn't share. Humph.
Glad to hear the twat is no longer broken!
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