5:00 am Wednesday morning alarm goes off to Rascal Flatts "My Wish". This horribly beautiful song about what a parent wishes for their child.

Great...Now, I'm singing that in my head in the shower.

I've got the family in the car and heading out promptly at 6:20 and made it to the hospital at 6:50. Only 5 minutes late. Not too bad when you have a 3 1/2 year old.

Blood pressure check, same questions over and over, temperature, mild small arguments over not being able to eat or drink and then next thing you know she's being walked down the hall.

At this point I'm extremely proud of her....and extremely confused.

I drop her off at pre-school and she'll throw herself on the ground and kick and scream as though I've just left her at a school of torture. But take her to the hospital and she turns around, kisses me, says she loves me and walks hand in hand with a total stranger down the hall.

45 minutes, 1 1/2 cigarettes, a cup of horrible hazelnut coffee (I did NOT read the label carefully enough), and 5 minutes of CNN....Dr. Para called me back to "the room".

She did brilliantly. SO brilliantly that he couldn't stop gushing. And then the nurses gushed. And then the very attractive male nurse. And then the receptionist. And then the janitor. And then the weird guy in the hallway having gallbladder surgery.

From what we hear - she was a dream. One nurse said the "best child patient we have ever had." Brave, funny and POLITE. Apparently she said "Thank You" after they gave her a little gas.

heh. Mommy feels the same way baby.

Anyway, as with most girls - we are brave in the face of adversity - but once you see your mama....You're a big puddle of mush.

Enter Me.

Once they brought her to me and put her in my lap she started to cry. And cry. and cry. and cry.

Then they "tried" to take her IV out and all hell broke loose. She moved - then they moved and blood went flying. I'm still not entirely sure if I'm going to be able to get the stains out of our clothes.

For anyone that knows my child, they know that she has pretty strong opinions. So, when the nurse tried to soothe her and say "as soon as I do one more thing, mommy and daddy can take you home."

Holy Crap - you would have thought that they just murdered Bambi right in front of her. Her response:



I had promised her Hot Chocolate from Starbucks if she was a good girl. Clearly she has a good memory.

She's home now and the past 2 days have been hell. Apparently she doesn't REALIZE that she's sick.

At least until 4:00 this afternoon.

She came walking up to me with tears in her eyes, pulled on my shirt, and said ... "Mama, I'm really sick".

No shit sherlock. If you wouldn't have fought me every inch of the way the last 48 hours I bet you would feel a smidgen better. You've got a fever. You're in pain, and I imagine that everything is about 20 times louder to you all of a sudden.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Interesting side note: An odd side effect of having your adenoids removed is bad breathe. Rather...rank, foul, just dined on raccoon road kill, six month old milk, drunken binge frat boy vomit - bad breathe.

What we do as parents.

Did you ever see the commercial where the husband takes the wife out to the ballet after spending way too much time at home with their toddler? Dressed in a beautiful sexy black number - her neck adorned with jewels - she turns to her husband during the show and starts to speak in 'baby talk'.

It's an affliction that many parents have I suppose. I imagine mostly the mothers that are lucky enough to stay home with their children. The bathroom is no longer the bathroom or restroom - - it's a "potty". Stubbing your toe or cutting your self is now a "boo boo" and of course after stubbing your toe, what used to be "SHIT", is now "Oh Pickles" (or some other complete nonsense that does not completely convey what you're feeling at the moment)

Anyway, I imagine that the commercial was not too far off point.

However, with many things it seems as though my husband and I have gone the other way.

We talk to her like she's 34. We truly DO understand in the back chasms of our brains that she has no earthly clue what the hell we are talking about, however we still continue to talk to her as though she is our equal in understanding.

We use words and phrases like comprehend, repercussions, consequences....We try to explain to her in our language why she's a pain in the ass....why mommy's head is turning purple....why we don't want to watch the same Disney movie 14 times in a row. And the saddest part is I really think at the time it's happening we're honest to God confused why she can't GET IT!

Case in point: A conversation I actually had with my 3 1/2 year old last night during bath time. She's got these bath toys: A submarine, a regular boat, and a sail boat.


"Mommy, you're in the sup marine"

"No sweetie. Mommy is claustrophobic"

"....(pause)....Mommy you can be in the boat?"

"Sadly, no. Mom gets really sea sick. Daddy can be in the boat"

"You want the sail boat"

"Yes, that would be fine as long as it stays in the bay and doesn’t venture out into choppy water"

"........(long pause)..........Mommy is silly..........."


Never truer words spoken.

However, ever so often she'll give me the kick in the ass that I need to realize..... she's a kid. And a pretty damn funny one.

"Andie! Don't pick your nose! That's gross"

"But I'm Andie - And I'm just a KID"


Dear Spring Stumble Upon Digg It! Add to Delicious Add to Technorati


Dear Mr. Punxsutawney and Mr. Cottontail,

I was hoping that after the last year that we had had, you and I had an agreement. Clearly we have not reached common ground. Last summer I spent many sleepless nights wondering what different shrub and/or flower you would decide to consume the next day and each day you would surprise me. Your cunningness and extreme bravery in entering my backyard each day, sometimes not but three feet away from me, was truly inspiring. However, I was hoping that you would have moved on to another family by now.

In my naïveté I was hoping that maybe it was merely a welcome to the neighborhood - or even an initiation into the group...but with your return once again, I have to assume that you have picked my backyard as your spring and summer playground.

I must respectively ask you to stop. Today is the first day of spring, and even though only two or three blooms have poked through the cold and frost - you have already devoured everything. All that remains is the carnage and wasteland of what could have been

Again, with my sincere respect, please stay the fuck out of my backyard.


Dear Ms. You Can't Tell A Bulb From Your Own Ass,

If you could even name ONE flower that is currently blooming in your backyard, MAYBE we would give you a break. However, we watched with glee as last year you dug every one of those damn things up - thinking they were freakin' full size ONIONS and throw them in the yard.

Nice try by the way - grabbing all the remains - and trying to replant them. Now that Spring has shown up they look like mutated science experiments gone wrong.

As long as I have four legs and air in my lungs - the constant onslaught of your yard will remain in full force.

Welcome to the neighborhood, you poser.


You Rotten Rabid Ground Crawling Rodent,

I've got my eye on a high velocity, aluminum frame, high impact sling shot.

Your ass is mine.


The Freak of Freddy Stumble Upon Digg It! Add to Delicious Add to Technorati


A while ago someone asked me what the hell a Freaky Freddy was.....

Here he is....a bit used and tortured over the years - but still funny as hell.

This stuffed abomination surely speaks to my sense of humor...even when I was younger. I physically wept with joy when I got this damn thing - and still now at 34 I can't bear to get rid of him. Every limb - including his ears and tongue have wires in them so you can contort this thing into any position.

He scares the crap out of the offspring.


My New List Stumble Upon Digg It! Add to Delicious Add to Technorati


I love pop culture. Pet Rocks, Star Wars, Parachute Pants, MTV, Rubiks Cube, Beanie Babies, Lava Lamps, SNL, Barbie, Pop Rocks and Who Shot J.R.?. Ask me 10 questions about general history and chances are I'll only get a few right, but ask me 10 pop culture questions and we'll probably end up talking for hours. Certainly doesn't make me the sharpest knife in the drawer...but at least I'm entertaining.

Most of it not important, nonsense sort of stuff. Fluff, I guess you could call it. But I like the fluff. Too much these days is horrible, sad and depressing. I enjoy sitting around discussing movies, or the latest episode of survivor. Truth is, when you think about it - how often have you busted out a movie quote in the middle of a conversation? Ever wanted to stand on the bow of a ship and scream "I'm the King of the World" or pour an entire thing of pop rocks in your mouth and then drink a soda really quick to see if your stomach would explode?

Pop culture is all around us. We don't typically know at the time that something happens or is created that it's going to go down in the books as iconic, but it's fun to see what catches on and what doesn't.

That being sad, I started thinking about this topic last Saturday when I meant a friend of mine for lunch. We had past the basic catching up portion of the conversation, "How's the Spawn?" "How was your trip to India?" "When did all your hair turn gray?”

The conversation took a turn at some point in time and we start discussing the latest episode of Lost. (Which I firmly believe will go down in the books as the show most likely to fuck with my head). Anyway, we were dissecting the in's and out's of who was who - and when we hit on Sawyer - we both looked at each other and slightly sighed ....and I commented "He is SO on my list."

I'll bet money that most of you know that I'm not talking about my "shit list"....but my 'Friends' inspired laminated list. The list of 5 famous people the I'm allowed to get busy with and the hubby isn’t allowed to get mad.

I've been to parties in the past where the entire evening revolved around peoples "list". Their Top 5 - ever so dreamy - I wouldn't kick her/him out of my bed - List.

Mine has changed drastically over the last 10 years. Mel Gibson held the #1 spot since the creation of this mental slut list, however, recent events have made me think it's time to change everything up.

So, here it is. My new list. Feel free to send me yours so I can laugh at you as well.

#1 - The Lost Boys - Sayid, Sawyer, Jack and Desmond. I realize that they should take four separate spots, but I'm only interested in what they look like/are on the ISLAND. In real life - Sawyer has this beautiful wife and like 17 children.....I would feel guilty about that.

#2 - Oded Fehr - He played Ardeth Bay - The Leader of a tribe called the Medjei in the movie The Mummy and The Mummy Returns. In real life - he's decent looking, yes. However - in the MOVIE - he's got these funky tattoos on his face and wears a long black robe that swirls around him when he kills monsters with a big ass machete. Yummy.

#3 - Viggo Mortensen - that man can ride a horse like no ones business

#4 - Matthew Perry - I know, I know - But I love this guy.

#5 - Johnny Virgil - Writer of 15 Minute Lunch. I've only seen a very small picture of him that was maybe about 7 pixels, so I'm not exactly sure what he looks like, however - damn, that man makes me laugh.

So, there you have it - I reserve the right to change my list at any time - -

Because, seriously - the chance of me running into Oded Fehr - in full costume with a machete -in the frozen food section of the Piggly Wiggly are pretty slim


"Humiliation Galore" Stumble Upon Digg It! Add to Delicious Add to Technorati


Do I consider myself a Survivor expert?

Well, yes...as a matter of fact, I do.

And by being a self proclaimed expert, I am here to tell you that if I have to see one more weak, er...I mean week, of Chet the Wonderless Boy - I'm going to throw up in my mouth.

I totally understand, and agree, with the art of voting out the stronger players because once the game goes individual challenge you won't stand a chance. However, and that's a BIG however, there is a time and place for that card to be played.

Tonight was not that night, nor last week, or the week before, etc. Chet has no place in this game. I'm still kind of confused as to why he was cast in the first place.

Interesting side note: I read an interview that was given to Jeff Probst before the season was even recorded, however, was not published until the cast was announced. Jeff's original view was that if Kathy even lasted past the first tribal council he was going to be surprised.

Well...Surprise, Surprise, Surprise.

Not only has she made it past all these tribal councils, but she's barely a bleep on the radar.

Is she my favorite survivor? Hell no... but she's at least holding her own weight.

This season is quickly irritating me as much as the original season with Johnny AssHat Fairplay....

Here are the facts:

Yes, you have to get rid of strong players before you go individual. Meaning, Ozzy Fish Man is going to have a target eventually - as he should. That immunity idol he has is going to need to be played carefully.

Weak, useless players have no business being there.

If Chet tried to pull his weight at camp - that WOULD make a difference. Catch some food, tend the fire, get firewood....hell... sweep the sand around the camp. But DO something.

That's my two cents.

I know that I, personally, have no place being there.....So, yes - I do feel as thought I can pass judgment on others.

See ya on the flip side.