12/30/2007

Warning Labels Stumble Upon Digg It! Add to Delicious Add to Technorati

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Warning labels are, for the most part, made for a reason...To Warn. There are those in our society that took a very slow crawl out of the gene pool and need some extra guidance from time to time. Sadly, those people need to be reminded that they shouldn't throw their hair dryers into the bathtub WHILE full of water, not to operate a tractor after taking 14 Percocet, or that deodorant is not for internal consumption.

The other side of that, however, is that warning labels are often created BECAUSE someone did something stupid...and then by way of the American favorite pastime, sued someone because they were an idiot.

We all know the story of the women who accidentally spilled her coffee in her lap while driving her car...and now every McDonalds cup has to have a warning: "Caution: Extremely Hot Beverage". Small price to pay I imagine to avoid litigation again - but I'm afraid the pay out the first time was probably something fierce.

My husband and I enjoy reading the warning labels off of things - and try to figure out if the manufacturer actually CARES that we don't do something - or is simply trying to make sure that when Billy Joe Bubba tries to cut his own hair with a weed wacker, they are not held liable.

All of that being said, I have enjoyed gazing at the warning label on my hair straightener for some time now. Yes, I know what it's SUPPOSED to say - however, if read fast (like the first time I did it) I find it quite amusing.









There are just so many different ways to misinterpret this it makes me laugh. For starters, there is no period at the end of the first sentence....So, it actually reads:

Eye contact warning for straightening iron In Canada - Not for household use.

So, is CHI Hair Product only concerned for Canadians? Or does CHI Hair Product assume that all Canadians are dim witted and feel as though they need extra warnings? Are Canadians eyes far more sensitive than us Americans?

Or even better - Do you suppose that someone out there actually tried to straighten their eyelashes with this thing? Let me tell you - that would take a special kind of stupid. This thing is WICKED hot.

Next time you read a warning label, stop and think for a second. Do you think the company thought it best to warn people before hand - or that someone didn't actually know that they were supposed to take the baby out of the stroller before attempting to fold up?

If you see any - send them my way.

Santa has come and gone - and left in his wake are empty boxes and sheets of wrapping paper. I've spent the better portion of today cleaning everything up and trying to get the house back to it's original state, but of course, end up stopping every so often to play or figit with one of our new toys.

The child is currently in sensory overload. Not exactly knowing what to play with first - so attempts to play with everything at once...then gets frustrated, along with the fact that she hasn't slept in about a week...She's a bit cranky today.

So, I took her to school. :)

She got some good loot though - I'll tell you what. Bitty baby, play kitchen, new tv, toys, games and books. I've had to go through all the old toys to make room for the new. Per my earlier post - he and I decided to splurge on the tv. It certainly hurt a bit to spend so much money on a tv for a THREE YEAR OLD...but I think it may just work. She is currently obsessed with Nemo - so we set the DVD player up in her room, hit play and crawl back into bed. It's getting to the point where I can recite the whole movie myself by listening to it through the baby monitor ... but if it grants me another half hour of vegging time, than I'll take it.

Her reaction to her play kitchen was fantastic. She 'ooh'd and aah'd' for a while, and then turned around and very matter of factly told the room that the faucet didn't work.

We are having a good time learning how to use our new camera - and then using the new camera to take pictures of our new Wii. We both have wii arm right now from playing too much baseball.

As a matter of fact, I took a picture of the wii just earlier today. You see - They have what they call a fitness test on wii sports. By taking this 'wii test' - you will get what your 'wii age' is.

At the start of yesterday, I was 62.

Today, I am proud to say that I am only 33.











So, the year is coming to a close, and hopefully 2008 will bring as many adventures as we saw in 2007.

Just remember next year around this time, to watch what you wear. You don't want to offend anyone with your choices in reindeer attire.

You know who you are....

Oh! The Catalog Countdown of 2007 is now officially closed. I have been keeping all of them in the dining room and just today made the last count. I received 62 catalogs.

I have absolutely NO idea why I need 5 copies of Sharper Image. Now if only I could come up with something interesting to do with them.

Merry Christmas everyone.

The items our hearts most desire when we are young are often simple things. Now looking back - I still smile when I think of the Christmas that I got my Barbie Doll Dream House. I'm not entirely sure if it's a real memory I have, or a picture that I've seen many times over my 30 some years, but I feel like I remember running into the living room and seeing that huge home for all my Barbies (and Ken, ugh) to live.

The year my sister and I got a box full of one dollar bills is another great one. It c
ould have been just $40 dollars total for all we knew...but it didn't matter. We giggled and laughed like we had won the lottery....pulled each crumpled bill out, rubbing the wrinkles out - and counting each one out.

The year of my first phone was a big year...and oddly enough....the year I got my Freaky Freddy is still very clear in my mind. I say oddly because I think I was probably well into my teen years, and physically WEPT when I opened that box.

I still have Fre
ddy to this day.

Sadly, as we grow older, our 'wants' become larger and ultimately more expensive. It certainly does not help that with each passing day, more and more technology is being discovered and/or advanced to make our lives easier and faster, so much so that the cell phone or the tv we just bought yesterday is now obsolete.

That being said....I'm no different...I want expensive stuff. A lot of people have asked me this Christmas season what I would like, or maybe even just a hint as to what I would like, and for the life of me...I haven't been able to come up with one thing that wasn't insanely tacky to mention. How exactly do you say "I'm sorry - everything on this list requires the giver to have buckets of money to blow on little ol' me".


So unless anyone reading this can give me: World Peace, a stop to all domestic and child abuse, a cure for AIDS or cancer, better care for our elderly, and a guarantee that all child molesters will rot in jail for the rest of their lives...............the following is what has really been my Ridiculous Christmas Wish List....(just remember...I already said it was tacky)

Digital Camera and a Digital Recorder
I'm not exactly sure if it's the camera or the operator of the camera - but every picture I've taken of this child has sucked since she turned three. The batteries get their lives sucked out of them in about 7 pictures, and I've become the crazy lady that carries 32 AA batteries around in her bag.


Playstation 3 - Ratchet & Clank Bundle
The ONLY damn reason I want this thing is because - Ratchet and Clank, my favorite game of all time, isn't being made for ANY other console. It's quite irritating actually.


Air-O-Swiss Humidifier

This would actually benefit everyone in the house!! It seems that ever since I had a child,
things effect me differently than they did before. Air is one of those things. Dry air never seemed to bother me a whole lot, but now once winter comes around, every night feels like I'm breathing fire through my nose. I've gone through a million different humidifiers for my room and hers...and I just can't find the right one.

High Def DVD Player
This really wasn't very high on my list until just recently. I was given the entire copy of the DVD series "Planet Earth". This series ran on the Discovery Channel and apparently became an over night sensation. I was given this because "we've watched this whole thing - but just HAVE to have it in high def." I took it, said thanks, and never really thought about it again. Until we sat down and watched it and the very first thing I said was "Wow, this would be awesome in high def". I highly recommend "Planet Earth" for anyone on your Christmas list. Even the non-high def is unbelievable.

A Larger TV for the Spawn

When I moved her into her big girl room, I gave her this little tv for the corner. The hope behind that was when she woke up at 6:00 am on a Saturday, she would lay in bed and watch cartoons - and let me veg a little longer in peace. I've come to learn that although she would LOVE to watch cartoons in her ro
om...she can't see the damn thing. It's microscopic. So....we're back to getting up at 6:00 every day.

A Cord Of Wood and Holder
This is my first house with a real fireplace. And I'm addicted. I'm going to put this
family into bankruptcy if I keep buying fake logs from the grocery store.


127 hours at the local spa
Massages, massages, massages. I love them. I miss them. But insanely expensive.

See what I mean? So, let's add it up. Considering than an hour massage runs about $80 bucks, 127 of them would cost me a little under $11,000 (that includes tip). So, we'll leave that out of the equation for now. Everything else - I could probably get my hands on for a about $3200.

OH. My husband needs a new pair of slippers.

It's been so cold here that I believe my creative juices have been frozen solid, however I thought it was important to pass on this interesting information.

And by interesting information, I mean information that will probably make absolutely no sense to you at all. Except for maybe two of you. I'm not exactly sure I understand it all myself, but will do my best to explain it in non-geek terms.

I believe that one of the strongest points of my marriage
is the fact that we compliment each others differences. Granted, our way of "complimenting" those said differences has been by spending a large portion of our adult lives poking fun at what the other enjoys.

I always knew when we were in High School that he and his friends were a bit...strange. Granted, I really had no right to talk considering I was a drama student. You don't typically get any stranger than that. I never really understood the extent of the strange until much later in life.

After returning home from cavorting with girlfriends at a local bar, I entered our living room to find my husband and his friends in a full on Sunday Night "Game". What met me was a friend of his, we'll call him Tacitus, speaking in a falsetto female voice, in what I'm still not entirely sure was a real language. There was probably about six of them there, all intently listening, making notes, and checking what was on the 12 sided die.

Yes, I am speaking of Role Playing. D&D Role Playing.

That's Dungeons and Dragons for you uneducated souls.

I've picked things up here and there - not on purpose mind you. Elfs, Dragons, Dwarfs, Goblins, Orcs, Mojhs, Charisma, Wisdom and Hit points almost all make sense to me. I still have no desire to take part, or even be in the same room. Much like I'm sure if I was to have a book club meeting to discuss the latest romance novel - he would rather be as far away as possible.

As time has flown by and we've all grown older - moved away or had children - his Sunday night game is no more. In it's place is computer games, books and online RPG.....That's Role Playing Game...Come on people...Keep up.

That's just background to the point of this post.

His best friend has recently entered the Paizo RPG Superstar writing contest. The idea is simple enough to understand. Paizo is looking for the next great RPG designer. There are six rounds: Wondrous Item, Design A Country, Design A Villain, Design Three Linked Monsters, Design An Encounter and lastly, Submit a Full Adventure Proposal.

(I told you this wouldn't make sense to any of you)

He's already sailed through the first two rounds (where there were 850 entries to begin with), and has just today made the Final 16.

The winner, decided by the readers of Paizo, will be given the opportunity to get paid to write for Paizo Publishing. I couldn't imagine anything cooler for this guy to do.

Even if this doesn't interest you in the slightest....Check out the country Iskandria. I find it amazing what some people can just come up with in their minds.

As a side note: I needed some slight input from my husband on this post, mostly because I didn't know how to spell
Mojh. However, in asking one simple question, an apparent lack of judgment on my part, I have also learned:

There apparently IS a difference between a Dungeon Master, Storyteller, and a Game Master. There is such a creature in his world called Black Pudding, which from what I understand, surrounds you and melts you in some sort of way. (That would be your character, not your real person). And lastly that monkey-goblins are cool.

So, in conclusion. Go Robert. We're very proud of you. Now go write the greatest RPG villain of all time.

This will be the first Christmas that we've had since our off spring was born that we are actually "celebrating".

Let me explain. I don't need a Christmas tree or presents under the tree to know what Christmas means. However, there is a different aspect to Christmas when you have a child. All of them leading up to this point have either been in the stage of life where baby urp was still gracing my shoulder and my boobs no longer for show but a source of food. After that, Christmas was simply another day to her. To young to understand or even care.


Now that we've hit the landmark of three years old, the ability to unwrap presents, and a brain like a sponge soaking up everything around her and every word said - Christmas is in full force in this house this year.

She understands Santa - although she calls him Christmas - and is slowly getting the trusty parent mantra of "Santa is watching, you better be good". (How long do I get to milk that one?)

We're reading her Nativity story book at night, and I've introduced her to the Three Wise Men (however, in this house they are stuffed sheep with long funny looking legs named Zeb, Jake, and Eli - hey, it worked in a pinch)

The Christmas tree is out and decorated, stockings hung, and front yard shines with white lights from dusk to dawn (I've got this cool outdoor timer).


However, with all that being said - there still needs to be some shit under the tree after she is safely tucked into bed on Christmas Eve.


So, $400 later - and three trips from the car to the house. Santa..er, I mean, Mama is done shopping.

And let me assure you that I have learned a lesson from my mother. Every thing will be wrapped individually to make her booty from Santa look bigger.


She got 5 coloring books...They will each get placed in their own box and wrapped up. Any of those come with a set of 4 complimentary crappy waxy crayon wanna be's...They will get wrapped up too.

I mean... Come On...She's three!! She was ecstatic when she got socks for her birthday!!

This year she will be receiving the before mentioned coloring books, ABC Leap Frog six foot puzzle, (I'm still undecided about that one),
1,2,3 Leap Frog puzzle, the latest and greatest Water Pen Floor Mat, Little Einstein Doodle Pro (with classical music built in), pants, shirts and other assorted goodies.

I've yet to decide the "big" gift that Santa will bring. I've always known that I would do Christmas morning in my house, the way I had it as a child. There was always the multitude of gifts wrapped under the tree - but there was always one that was unwrapped and in plain view upon entering the family room.

(follow up post about some memorable childhood memories in the days to come)

So, Santa has pretty much finished shopping from this house. I still have yet to find anything for my mother - but hopefully that will come to me....Or maybe she'll drop a hint or two like "Hey, buy me this!!"

So, now all I have to do is wrap all the crap I just threw in the basement, get everything in mail to the appropriate people, come up with some cute Christmas card to send out to every person I've ever met, make cookies and or other assorted goodies for the people who don't make the "gift" shopping list, take Christmas family photos, and every other joyous event that must take place before Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas Everyone.

We all have someone in our office or workplace that drives us crazy.

Maybe it's the ditzy girl that regardless of her lack of IQ, by some miracle, actually still got her job. She knows that your name is Bob. But she INSISTS on calling you Bobby Boo.

The smarmy smaltzy sales guy - who has NO idea what your name is - but somehow thinks that his charming personality is going to make you get off your ass and get him a cup of coffee.....even though you don't even work in the same department.

The boss man. He THINKS he knows your name - but keeps calling you Jim...and your name is Bob.

The angry guy. You could have had a flat tire, house burned own, your dog died, and you were just diagnosed with a horrible case of VD....His day is ultimately always going to be wosre than yours.

The martyr executive secretary. She has clearly misconstrued her relationship with the boss as a personal connection - and thinks that every single person that works for the company is a spy out to get "her man".

The computer guy (certainly not my husband)....regardless of what has happened to your computer - the only plausible explanation is that you are a complete moron. Aliens could have come from the plant Cyron, planted a virus, did horrible anal experiments on you ....and you have digital proof.....It's still your fault because you didn't' stop them.

...And the countless other office type'o personalities that we come across in our daily lives...

Do I have the gift for you!!

It's the USB Rocket Launcher.













Simply place this contraption in your daily cell...er, cubicle space......aim and click.

From the simple confines of your desktop you can take out your enemies from up to 15 feet away.

You see "Joe -B.O. Man" strolling down the hallway. Take him out.

Or maybe "Betty - The Face Talker" is heading your way. Nail Her.

Comes with three foam rockets and a sensible price tag of $30.00.

You KNOW there is someone in your office that you would love to shove a rocket up their ass.

11/30/2007

Interesting Gift Ideas Stumble Upon Digg It! Add to Delicious Add to Technorati

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It's the time of the year where we are all frantically searching for the perfect gift. Shopping for men seems to be my Achilles heel around this time. I never seem to know what to get any of the men in my life. You want the really "cool" gift - but quite honestly - most of them are just too expensive.

While although I've decided and/or finished most of my shopping - all I have left is those that actually LIVE in my house, I'll be here for you for the remainder of the season to pass my Christmas gift ideas off to you.

The following is an interesting, and inexpensive gift for anyone.









At first glance, you may think this is a small watering can. Or maybe a decorative tea pot.
You would be wrong. What you are looking at is none other than a Neti Pot. A what you ask? Well - if you would be so kind as to watch the following video - you will understand quite quickly what a Neti Pot is.

I'll wait here.......


Neti Pot Demo


Ok - I'm going to let that sink in for a minute.....


Yes, ya'll - it's a sinus cleansing system. Interesting, don't you think?


About this time last year, I was battling cold after cold, sinus infections, bronchitis, and other assorted ailments. Since it was also the time where both my Uncle and Grandfather passed away - I was spending more time on an airplane - and less time in a doctors office.....needless to say my cooties lived for quite some time.
By the time I finally made it to the doctor - I was so infected that he was afraid that an antibiotic wasn't going to be able to push through the crap to start to heal me. Enter the Neti Pot.

At first I told him that he was clearly smoking crack, and there was no way in hell I was going to give my brain an enema by shoving a tea pot up my nose. He simply patted me on the head - held my antibiotic hostage and sent me on my way to CVS with instructions to come back after a week to free my drugs.


What was a girl to do? I wanted the drugs...Needed the drugs...So, a little nose flushing was a small price to pay for the good stuff.


First of all - let me assure you that the first time you do this - you look NOTHING like the video. Still a year later, I am no where near as graceful as that woman.

The best way I can explain it is this:


Were you ever at the pool when you were younger? You jump into the pool, trying to look your best because Mark the cutest boy EVER is in the deep end, and you are hoping he'll notice you? You ever so gracefully do some underwater hand stands...emerge from the water....look dreamily into his eyes...only for him to notice the booger the size of a small Volkswagen hanging out of your nose.
It's the same general idea.

Lovely, huh?


As much as I make fun of it (or myself rather), serious allergy sufferers swear by it. I don't use mine everyday. I do however use it every time I feel a cold coming on, the weather changes or when allergy season is on the way. I'm currently using mine every morning due to the dryness of our house. The neti pot right after my first cup of coffee is a very weird way to start the day.


So, there you go. Interesting Christmas Idea #1.


Neti Pot - An Enema For The Nose - and small enough to be a stocking stuffer.....

11/19/2007

2007 Catalog Count Off Stumble Upon Digg It! Add to Delicious Add to Technorati

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Shopping online apparently does have it's down side.

My name and address has been sold to so many marketing companies - I'm getting Holiday catalogs for pet supplies - and I don't have a pet.

So, therefore - Today we begin the great catalog Count Off of 2007. How many catalogs will I receive in the mail up to Christmas Day?

Maybe if we are smart enough - at the end we can try to figure out how many entire trees have been mailed to my home over a 34 day period.

There are a few silver linings I suppose.

1. I have an endless amount of bathroom reading material
2. I now have blogging material shipped directly to me free of charge

However, this is going to do nothing to help my daughters catalog addiction.

Today's count:

12 catalogs.

I'm totally not kidding.

11/19/2007

Random Stuff Stumble Upon Digg It! Add to Delicious Add to Technorati

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I probably won't be able to post a whole lot for the next few days. I've got the in-laws (mother/father and sister) coming to visit for about a week. Now, while I'm sure that the five of us crammed into our house for six days will give me all sorts of material to use.....I'll wait until the trip is over and embarrass myself later. I'm SURE I will either do or say something completely asinine over the next week.

So, since I have no real purpose of this post - mostly just to say I'm not going to be posting - I'll leave you with a couple of tidbits that are bouncing around in my head.


****************************************************************
My office was having their annual client appreciation "shin-dig" this last weekend at a local restaurant. The off-spring and I went over just the two of us, for a couple of hours. I, personally, don't have any clients - but since I work for the owners - technically I have about 10,000 clients. So, no problem showing my support. Not to mention she and I got free food.


On the way there - I realized that most of the folks I work with haven't seen her in about a year. Back before I started working full-time, I was bringing her in the office all the time...Now....not so much. I work with these people on a daily basis - I don't want to see them on my day off!?!?

So, following the ritual that most mother's do....I paraded her around the joint to show off how I was able to create something so attractive!

Do you know that movie "Soap Dish" - (funny ass movie by the way). There's a scene where Sally Field, famous soap opera actress, is feeling "down" - so Whoopie Goldberg takes her to the mall and pretends to not know her...says her name really loud - and then all of a sudden all her fans are surrounding her and asking her for her autograph.

THAT was exactly what Saturday turned out to be. Next time I'm feeling down about myself - I'm going to exploit my daughter and put her on display where lots of people will see her.

I mean SERIOUSLY - how often I heard the words:

"Oh My Gosh - She is the cutest thing I have EVER seen...(pause) Oh, she looks JUST like you!"

heh.
****************************************************************
A women I work with brought in her "left over" Halloween candy. What was supposedly "left over" turned out to be a Costco size TUB O'CANDY. I'm not kidding - it was like 30 pounds of assorted goodies.

We dumped it all in a paper box and set it out in the bull pin area of the office.


After two weeks of it sitting out - I can now safely say:

No one in America likes 3 Musketeers. There is NOTHING left of that box - except for about 312 mushed, bite size 3 Musketeer bars.








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You know how you get a song stuck in your head, and you can't get it out no matter what you do? You wake up in the morning singing it. You sing it nonchalantly in front of other people hoping to 'pass it off' to someone else? Well, I've had a song stuck in my head for about 24 hours now...I can't get rid of it - and I certainly can't try to pass it off.

My daughter was singing it yesterday afternoon.

The words are:

Boobie.

Over and over and over. To the tune of a conga line.

boobie-boobie boo-bie.
boobie-boobie boo-bie.

11/15/2007

Who Knew? Stumble Upon Digg It! Add to Delicious Add to Technorati

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I mentioned in an earlier post that I don't like to shop. It's really not entirely true - some things I don't mind shopping for....some things I HATE shopping for.

Like clothes. Specifically jeans. I have been cursed with a round top o'body - and a back that goes directly into my legs. (backleg?) In short - a little rounder than I used to be - but have absolutely no arse to speak of.

I will wear a pair of jeans until the last stitch has unraveled, the levi or gap patch in the back resembles a see through iron on, and my husband is politely asking not to be seen with me in public. At which point I grab a pair of scissors and convert them to "work shorts".


Unfortunately, today was the day where I had to go and finally buy a new pair. It was an eye opening experience on many levels.

For example:

Did you know that this time of year, women who are slightly larger on the top region of their bodies - apparently can only wear holiday sweaters. Well, holiday sweaters and very shiny metallic material. It's true. I didn't realize it either until I got to the store and wanted to buy some light knit sweaters for work...only to realize that it's against the rules. I suppose the makers of the shirts/top are thinking that those of us that are a bit rounder will want to camouflage our size with tidings of good cheer. Maybe if we remind people that it's Christmas time - they won't think "Wow, that women has got some knockers!"



I'm not entirely sure what metallic shiny fabric is supposed to do for me. Maybe it's along the line of shiny Christmas ornaments....Which reminds me - I need to start pulling mine out.


Ha - see - it works.


Second thing that I've learned today. Ugly jeans are '
stylish'. Not just ugly - but ugly and dirty looking. Hell, if I knew THAT I would just keep wearing my nasty looking ones.

Come to think of it - maybe I could make a buck or two. I'll take my old jeans and use them to hold grass clippings for a couple of days. Then when they have a nice greenish glow to them, I'll roll around in the mud for a while...let that dry and then for good measure I'll run them over with the van a couple of times.

...and then I'll sell them on Ebay for about $80 bucks.

I can call them organic jeans.

11/13/2007

Never Leave Home Again Stumble Upon Digg It! Add to Delicious Add to Technorati

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There are only 41 days left until Christmas, however after the buying, wrapping, assorted 'some assembly required' and shipping, there is realistically only about, say 34 days of shopping left. That being said - I am a huge 'online' shopper. Some people may argue that it makes the 'joy of giving' a little more cold - maybe a bit 'you don't really care about what you are giving'.....I think that's crap. Just because I don't get in my car, drive to the mall, wander aimlessly, stand in line, and end up leaving with only one gift for someone - but 10 things for myself.....does not make me delight less in the gifts I get for my loved ones.

I would much rather think that by shopping online I am a far more enjoyable person to be with. I have more time to decorate my home, spend time with loved ones, sit in front of my fire with my family and enjoy a mug of eggnog - with all the time I've saved by NOT going out to shop. Not to mention that by shopping online, I typically already have an idea of what I'm getting someone. I am not wandering stores blindly thinking that something will jump out at me and scream "Brooke Would Love Me - Buy Me Today"

Truthfully - there are very few things that I don't have delivered to the house. Clothes are pretty easy to come by if you know your size, groceries are easily delivered by Giant to my front door step, and for the array of other items that we may need there is buy.com. If I could find/and or trust someone to ship it to me - we could probably have beer and cigarettes delivered as well (that's where Giant draws the line).

So, while doing some pre-Christmas shopping this weekend, I came across an interesting website. You ever gone to a site you know, click on a link, and then another - and the next thing you know you are somewhere you've never been before - but have actually found a little golden nugget of the cyber world? Well, I wouldn't exactly call this golden by any stretch of the imagination, but I do think they've carved a little niche for themselves.

Before I share it with you - I would like to explain the type of person I am - and why I think this website is ingenious. I am the type of person who is embarrassed easily. Not at the stupid things that I say, or by tripping in front of a room full of people - but just by 'normal' things. For example: I can't buy condoms. Never have been able to. Now, I'm a married woman - with a child -pretty obvious that my husband and I have enjoyed each other....at least once, right? Nope. Can't do it. My face will turn red - and I am convinced that every person at CVS is staring at me like I'm a whore.

In my 33 years I have bought them ONCE. About a year or so ago I was making a grocery list and I asked him if there was anything else we needed. He responded, "we need laundry detergent, some eggs, and condoms". I gently explained to him that it was more likely that I would bring him home a soap making machine and some live chickens....before I bought condoms. However, while at the store I managed to grab the closet box of Trojans I could find and throw them in the basket. At checkout I cleverly disguised them between the tissue paper and hot dogs.

I was most proud of myself for my accomplishment that day. I never need to buy them again.

OK - so my point!!

www.shopinprivate.com

Makes you think that it's all
"PRIVATE" stuff, right? Like the stuff that they sell in the shady stores with discreet black plastic bags for your items, and blacked out window? Nope - it's stuff that you might be embarrassed to buy at the store.

Granted you can still get the other "stuff" there....Which I guess for some people is cool too.

I'm sure there is someone in the world that while walking through their local CVS has thought - "Damn, I really wish I could get my enemas, lice treatment, Rogain and vibrators all at the same place."

CVS and Walgreens.com still sell all those "normal" embarressing things that one may need to purchase - - - but that leaves all those people out who need breast enhancers, a 'Nurse Feelgood' costume, or edible lubricant....They might as well save on shipping.

11/11/2007

Love and Hate the Game Stumble Upon Digg It! Add to Delicious Add to Technorati

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I had the chance today to break away from the confines of parenthood for a short period of time to see how how other folk live on a Sunday afternoon.

A Sunday afternoon being - very simply - game day.

I now have a theory. A theory about our world, our society, our politics and religion.

Make everyone watch football and drink beer - - and make all of our world leaders make the big decisions on game day.

Yes, granted you are always going to come across the asshole guy who lives and breathes by the winning and losing of the Cleveland Browns...(sorry dude...but you HAD to know that you were going to be the brunt of someones joke today), but generally speaking most people are EXTREMELY passionate about their specific team WHILE the game is going on, and then after a few minutes of bitching and moaning - they get over it and just continue to drink beer with the dude they just met from Minnesota.

When I walked into this particular bar today I knew exactly 2 people. When I left, I knew 47. I will be the first to admit that the majority of them were wearing the same colored shirt that I was, so therefore easy to pick out kindred spirits...but a good part of them wearing the colors of the devil. (that would be any opposing team of mine).

When I walked out shortly after the end of my most victorious game (although a bit too close for comfort), I had hugged and/or shook hands with a good portion of people that just three hours earlier had been cursing the day I was born, the horse that I rode in on, the mother that bore me, the state in which I was cheering for, the car I drove, plagues on any pets I may own in the future, and generally hoping that I burn in hell for all of eternity.

I think in general people are very passionate about those things that they love and/or hate...be it football or politics. Give our country leaders a case of beer and a big screen tv and let them work out our most pressing issues at the time ... Yes, they will scream and bitch during - but nine times out of ten, someone WILL win, and the loser, while although irritated - knows they've lost and is okay with it....

Until next week.

Yes, I realize in the real world this probably won't work.

All I'm saying is this.....Half of the people in that bar today hated the other half. By the end of the day - everyone loved everyone.

Except for that asshat from Cleveland.


11/09/2007

Not Cool....NOT cool Stumble Upon Digg It! Add to Delicious Add to Technorati

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I've posted quite a few times in the last few months of the joys of home ownership. Although the husband and I have been home owners of many properties over the years - this being our first single family. Personally, I think I've done pretty well - all things considered.

We've left the comforts of our almost new, modern convenience, master bathroom the size of a small basketball court, 'luxury town home' (it was on the brochure, i swear) - for the smaller square footage, squeaky floor, god forbid
you need to both be in the bathroom at the same time, what the hell color do you call THAT, I can't believe I have to go to the basement to do my laundry single family home.

The better part of the last few months has been spent 'fixing' the horrible taste of homes previous owners...(Who paints a dining room baby blue and lime green - it looked like a baby boys room on acid). And of course - a large amount of work done to the backyard in our quest for the perfect BBQ setting. A good portion of my problems with all of that, were of course, the parade o' rodents in the backyard. And as most of you know - the swing set did show up and was quickly put together for the enjoyment of the spawn.


Why am I telling you all this again, you ask? This is why.

The weekend before we received our swing set, I was quietly wandering the land in which I now own looking for the perfect spot in which the child would have optimal swing set fun. Can't be too close to the fence - or she'll have to refrain from top sliding speed. Can't get too close to the other fence or we'll run the risk of the freak impalement accident should she ever decide to let go of the swing and go flying. So, as I'm in my head - pondering the great wonder that is me....

I almost step on this:











....and then screamed like a little girl.

Ok - so here's the deal. I've had enough.

I GET that he isn't poisonous. AND I DON'T CARE.

He's a freakin' snake man. In MY backyard.


  • Killing wasps of death - at least they buzzed, I could hear them coming from a mile away.
  • Groundhog - he only came out when no one else was around - not to mention he was HUGE so, I could always tell when he was coming.
  • Rabbits - kind of cute to tell you the truth.


Snake? NOT COOL.

Winter is pretty much officially here (which by the way ... WTF happened to Fall??) This little bastard better hibernate or something.

Assuming that the cold weather will keep all creatures and the like out of my yard....I figure I have about five months to strategize and come up with a suitable plan of attack for next spring.




11/05/2007

Woobie Stumble Upon Digg It! Add to Delicious Add to Technorati

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Michael Keaton trying to explain to his 5 year old son why it's time to get rid of his nasty shredded 'woobie', is one of the greatest scenes in the classic "Mr. Mom".

Thankfully we have never really had any sort of attachment issues in our house. She's never been too particular about one doll/blanket over the other. As a matter of fact- she was never much of a pacifier or thumb sucker as well. She's a equal opportunity player...Each toy/blanket/or woobie'esqe type of item all gets their fair share of time.


However, something has happened recently that...well...I find odd. I'm not concerned about it by any means...but it's just....I don't know...weird.

Once we moved her into her new big girl room and big girl bed - she decided that she wanted to be able to have her books in her bed with her. I thought that was fine. I, of course, told myself that my child is so brilliant that she chooses to read a bit before she falls asleep.


Then one evening the March 28 1994 edition of Time Magazine was what HAD to be in bed with her. I'm not kidding - she held on to like it was a baby. Personally - if I woke up in the middle of the night and had THIS staring back at me - I would flip out. But days and weeks went by and it never seemed to scare her. So, that's fine....whatever helps her sleep. Can't imagine a magazine in her bed can HURT her, can it?















Well....The Day of the Tiger is over. We've moved on. The remains of the old Tiger cover now lay bleeding with torn pages shoved under the bed.

Our new obsession: She MUST know that Christmas is coming.














Early this morning, at about 3:00 am, came shrieking cries from her bedroom. I shuffle my way down to find out what's going on. Simple fix. She can't find her magazine. I'm not kidding - I handed her catalog back to her and she was asleep in seconds. Lillian Vernon tucked snuggly underneath her arm and cheek.

I don't think she's seen the new Toys R Us catalog yet.

11/04/2007

Big Day....BIG Day... Stumble Upon Digg It! Add to Delicious Add to Technorati

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Yes, today IS a big day….For many reasons. Most of them small – but all added together make for a big day.
Daylight Savings you may be thinking??..….Um….No. Daylight savings doesn’t mean shit for someone with a baby. They don’t wake up and see the clock and think “Oh f&*% yea! I’ve got another hour”. Children think…”Bwah hahhhaa….They THINK they have another hour…little do they know.”
We started the day at 7:15, technically 6:15….Coffee and cartoons. We decided to go ahead and shower and shave early and get a head start….
Headed off to Target for some crap furniture and sweatshirts for the spawn. All intentions good – however, we ALWAYS walk out with about 12 things more than what we went for.
Mom was on the short end of the stick on this one today. I got a blanket for the couch. Don’t get me wrong – it’s warm and it’s far better than using her little itty bitty blankets to wrap around me…but it’s about all I got.
We spent the larger portion of the day after our Target trip hanging out on the couch (with my new blanket) watching PLANET EARTH DVD’s. Ok…If you don’t know what I’m talking about…You have got to check them out…ESPECIALLY if you have a high def dvd player (which we don’t) but you could just TELL by watching it.....”Man, this would be so freakin’ cool in high def”
You can check it out here…I really recommend it if you enjoy : nature/animals/biology/bugs/weather/etc…..
We spent some time outside on the new swing set – which is just a joy to see her so happy.
Dinner, quiet time, bath and off to bed…which brings us to the biggest part of the day.
Tonight is the night that The Amazing Race starts.
Yes, as stated before, I AM a TV whore. …however, this is a bit different.
Most reality tv is just crap. With the exception of Survivor and MAYBE a few others…What you end up seeing more times than not is the total shit asshat that people can be in difficult situations...Or of course those total flakes looking for some reality show to give them fame and fortune....(read Johnny Fairplay).
Personally, I think that TAR (the amazing race) is “different”. Yes, you are going to get the occasional jerk off who yells at his wife for 12 weeks in a row….or the former model who is looking to cash in again…But for the most part – they really are NORMAL people.
I’ve thought about this before…If given the chance would I do HALF of the reality shows out there? Hell no….I would somehow end up looking like a total bitch on national tv. I would THINK about doing Survivor…just because I’m such a fan – but the truth is – I can’t/won’t eat bugs.
HONESTLY – if given the chance to travel the WORLD on someone else's dime…and maybe, just MAYBE, if you get there first you can have a million dollars.
I think that’s freaking cool.
Not to mention that I don’t have the cash to travel the world on my own. I would be okay with CBS footing the bill.
The big catch? Find someone you can travel with – and isn’t going to irritate the shit out of you from the get go.
My older sister and I have talked about this for years. I REALLY think we could do it. There are strengths and weaknesses that we both have – which we would be able to work off of each other.
So, yea – I’m a big fan. I typed this whole post while waiting for freakin’ 60 minutes to end, so the show will start (Sundays prime time television is always screwed up because of football).
If you’ve never watched it – give it a try. (it’s started)
Looks like we’ve got some interesting racers this year: Pink Hair and Goth Couple (weird), Father and Daughter, Grandson and Grandad, Attractive Couple, Attractive Couple….HOLY SHIT – Lesbian Married Ministers!!!!!, Brother and Sister, Attractive Couple.
Ok - I’m off.
Let me know what ya’ll think…

The directions said that it would take "two adults roughly 6-12 hours to assemble"....Well, it took one adult about 15, so I figure not all that bad.


The backyard before:











The backyard after:











She LOVES it. She'll go down the slide, and then the first swing, down the slide, the second swing, down the slide and then the last swing....Start the process all over.

We're hoping this will help us to run her exhausted in the morning hours so she'll start napping again. At this point even RESTING would be okay.

10/30/2007

The First Step Stumble Upon Digg It! Add to Delicious Add to Technorati

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Addiction is a real thing. Some people have a more addictive personality than others, while others have such a strong will that they think that addiction of any kind is not real – or just a sign of weakness.

Be whatever your particular addiction is: chances are it’s very real. Sex, Booze, Cigarettes, Gambling….are just a few to name.

Just in a quick search online I found “anonymous” groups for : Vulgarity, Narcotics, Emotions, Debtors, Alcoholics, Overeaters…and even Cat Addicts.

I will be the first to admit I have addictions. I am a smoker, a drinker and a day without Diet Coke is a day without sunshine. However, in defense of myself I WAS able to stop all those things the day I even THOUGHT about becoming pregnant. It’s important for me to explain – mostly because I at least know I CAN stop. I just choose not to at this point.

All of the above is the lead in to today’s post.

My new addiction.

I believe that I (as well as my older sister…sorry…I’m outing you) are the PERFECT demographic for infomercials. WE are the reason people make them. This weakness that we have allows us to sit on our couch and think to ourselves “Yes, I HAVE been wishing I had some way of making pasta is a round clear tube in only 6 seconds. Thank God I saw this commercial!”

I have over the years ordered a NUMBER of things on TV. I have the magic bullet, the ab- lounger, some vacuum thing, Turbo Jam workout routine, Oxy Clean products, that Tupperware swivel thing…and yes, I even at one time ordered the Richard Simmons Dancing to the Oldies. That is probably a very short list of all the things that have graced the shelves of my home, collecting dust over the years.

So, like I said – my new addiction.

Yahoo Games Online

The Setup:

Yahoo Online Games lets you peruse the games that they offer online. If you decide you would like to check one out – you just download the trial version. It allows you to play the game for an hour. Once the hour is up, the game will end quite abruptly and asks you “you’ve played for an hour – would you like to purchase this game”

The Game:

Imagine yourself a lowly shop owner. The most famous chocolate maker in the world has asked that you help her in her shop. Apparently her family’s world famous chocolate recipes have been scattered across the globe because of a family feud. You are tasked with making chocolates, selling them – and traveling the world in search of all the famous recipes. Along the way you will see distant and exotic lands, shop is open air markets for the special ingrediats you need and meet interesting people.

The Scam:

If you choose to take the “tutorial” just to understand HOW to play – that alone takes about 30 minutes, which only leaves you about 30 minutes of “free” play until the screen goes black. And I’ll be damned if I’m going to stop playing before I’ve gotten the recipe for the Limited Series Milk Chocolate Blended Trinidad Raspberry Truffles. Not to mention the port to Hong Kong and Sydney hasn’t even become available to me because I’m still just a novice chocolatier.


And don’t even get me started on the damn cross pollinating problem that I’m having trying to find the last two “magic plants”.


They say that admitting you have a problem is the first step.

10/30/2007

Google Me Stumble Upon Digg It! Add to Delicious Add to Technorati

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I'm officially a 'real' website.

You can google 'minivan soapbox' - - and my little website is the first on the list.

Go forth and google.

10/23/2007

Prodigy or Trickery? Stumble Upon Digg It! Add to Delicious Add to Technorati

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This last weekend - the husband and I were both pretty just "out of it". We've spent about two weeks now of weird sleeping patterns due to the spawns desire to watch Jo Jo's Circus at 4:00 in the morning. We're not exactly sure WHY she's getting up so damn early. Maybe she has to pee - maybe she had a bad dream - or maybe she's just a whack job. Regardless of what the issue is - she's the type of child that once she wakes up...That's it. She's up.

We were hoping that moving her into her new and improved room would at least alleviate the desire to sit in bed with US on these mornings. Given the fact that she has more room to play and move, plus the addition of the television....(and the addition of Odin - God of Fur).....That would enable her sleep deprived parents to lay in bed a bit longer to stare at the ceiling, declaring "today....she is YOUR daughter".

Alas, this really hasn't seemed to help much. There is still the every 15 minute request for something. We try to head these requests off early. We pee, get a banana, get juice, turn the tv on, hand her some toys - and then head back to bed. It's amazing what she'll come up with just to make us interact with her.

Anyway, like I said, given the sleep pattern - this last weekend - we were sort of just 'vegged' (lay like broccoli).

At some point during the Sunday session of being human steamed vegetables, and apparently NOT
paying a whole lot of attention to our daughter, she drew this.










Ok...yes, I realize it's a goofy drawing of what SHE says is a bunny. However, that isn't my point. I realize that I'm slightly biased....but I think this is BRILLIANT for a three year old. I mean - Seriously! She's only three!!!!

I'm still not entirely convinced that she did this herself. When he handed the etch a sketch thing to me to show me, I actually complemented HIM on his drawing! He corrected me and let me know that she did it.

Again - I'm not so sure.

I've been trying to get her to duplicate some resemblance of this since Sunday, and all I've gotten is squiggle lines and mush.

Time will tell I suppose.

I do think that if anything shows up again though - I'll be looking into some toddler art classes.

She may not be able to name a dog anything more creative than "Dog"....but she's a Picasso in the making!

10/22/2007

Our New Dog Stumble Upon Digg It! Add to Delicious Add to Technorati

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While although my husband will argue the roots of this story....

Many moons ago, I had a boyfriend who had a dog. A beautiful, very well behaved and trained Golden Retriever named Thor. Now, although the DOG was beautiful, well behaved and trained - the boyfriend lacked those qualities. Even though it took a VERY long time - He was eventually kicked to the curb. Shortly after the very tumultuous breakup - Michael would say that one day he was going to get a dog and name him Odin.

Let's rewind MANY MANY moons ago to the world of Norse Mythology. Thor was the God of Thunder - typically depicted in pictures with his big ass hammer riding a chariot and fighting the giants. He was also the son of Odin. It is written that Thor surpassed his father in popularity - many believe that his popularity with the people was due to the fact that, unlike his father, Thor did not require human sacrifice. (Personally - I would be a big fan of that as well).

However popular Thor was, his powers would certainly not surpass his Fathers. Odin - known as the God Of War, Battle and Death - was also known for his magic and powers to tilt a battle in the way he wanted. His trickery, cunning and deception were also a handy trait when he wanted
to swindle the blood of Kvasir from the dawrves.

However, I digress.

So, as stated Michael wanted to get a dog, specifically a big dog, and name him Odin. Now, I'm not entirely sure it was because he wanted his dog to "subconsiously" be better then the bad boyfriends dog - Or if he actually literally wanted his dog to EAT the bad boyfriends dog....I suppose we'll never know.

However, we now have our big dog.

Meet Odin - God Of Fur











What?? You think I'm crazy??? Of course he isn't real. He is however almost the full length and width of the spawns twin bed - and very soft.

This is the great thing about being a Grandparent I think. All the things that we would never dream of buying our own children - I think the grandparents take a certain joy in getting them.

I also think that they had a great time getting it for her and presenting her with it - Not to mention the amount of children that they made almost pee in their pants in the middle of Costco. I imagine every six year old that was there was given a glimmer of hope that if another adult was to buy this massive mattress of a dog - than maybe their parents would as well.

She named him "Dog". She may be brilliant - but she's not very creative it seems. So, after some thinking I helped her out and asked if mommy could name him for her. She didn't really seem to care all that much.

So, I was finally able to give him his big dog and name him Odin. He watches over her as she sleeps and hangs out on the floor at the foot of her bed.

10/22/2007

Andie-Verse Stumble Upon Digg It! Add to Delicious Add to Technorati

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Couple Monday morning tidbits for you today:


Every morning after we get dressed, Andie stands on the toilet seat and I do her hair. She decides how many rubber bands, one or two, and what color she would like. This morning she decided on two - which is rare - since she's not a huge fan of getting her hair brushed. So, with pigtails done we venture downstairs to begin the quest for the shoes when she stops in front of the hall mirror to examine her new 'do'... at which points she tells me:

"I'm as pretty as a cow"

Not a butterfly, Not a bird....but a cow. Ok........Sure! Now.... while I don't find cows overly REPULSIVE creatures - I have also never thought while driving down the street - "What a magnificent cow!".

But hey - if she thinks they are pretty....More power to her. I just hope she doesn't grow up to be a vegetarian! :)



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hair done, shoes found and juice box in hand, we start climbing into the Mommy Van to head off for another exciting day of learning and play—when she excitedly tells me, again, that she’s pretty. What follows is our conversation on our way to school.

“I pretty!”

“Yes, baby—you’re very pretty”

“You and me! Pretty!”

“Why thank you!”

“Andie has big hair like mama!”

“Hmm...Mama has big hair?”

“Yea”

“Daddy has no hair”

“No, baby—Daddy doesn’t have any hair”

“Mama took it all”



Heh.

10/17/2007

'blog-lifting' Stumble Upon Digg It! Add to Delicious Add to Technorati

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Ever heard the term 'scrap-lifting'? It's the same idea as shoplifting...However, not illegal. It's when you flip through a magazine or maybe a website online, and see a scrap page that is what you were looking to do for a certain picture and/or event - and you basically steal the whole design and pass it off as your own. I've done this a few times....but I've actually found that the designs I think are extra special cool - are actually pretty hard to do.

Anyway, I've decided to 'blog-lift'. My sister had a cool idea on her site the other day titled "Mish Mash" - and I've decided to steal it. I may call it something different - but I thought before I started doing it - I should give credit to her - because it wasn't my idea at all. It may be a good way to get the cute stories that happen on a day to day basis that don't actually call for an ENTIRE post...But maybe a weekly update of the silly things that come out of our spawns mouth.

So - here goes.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

As I had said earlier, we had parental units in town this last weekend. And while I'm still recovering from my 'wiinjury' and copious amounts of alcohol - this was probably the cutest thing that happened over the weekend.

Sandy and Andie were sitting on the floor discussing the finer points of crayons and craft paper, when Andie told Sandy that she (Sandy) was Andie. Here is the basic conversation that followed.

"No, You're Andie, I'm Sandy"
"No, you're Andie"
"No, I'm Sandy...You're Andie"
"ANDIE"
".....Ok, I'm Andie....Who are you?"

Pause

"Maxine"

Who the hell is Maxine? And you KNOW I'm going to start calling her that!
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

She woke up, again, very early and needed to use the potty. So, as she's sitting doing her business, I'm sitting on the edge of the bathtub, resting my head up against the wall.

Her reaction to that was:

"Ahhhh.....Mama is sick and tired"

heh.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

There is a box at school to drop off the tuition checks. I typically write the check in the car in the parking lot, before I walk her inside. Once we walk inside I usually let her put the check in the box that is up on the wall. This however takes a while as she misses the first 400 times. We were running late this week and decided that I just didn't have the time this morning to let her do it. So, I would drop her off and give them the check on the way out. So, off we go and as we PASS the box...her reaction - her LOUD reaction ... .while other parents are around:

"Mama!!! No Stealing!!!!!
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Again, this last weekend....Sandy and Andie are sitting on the couch and chit chatting as they often do. Andie desperately wanted to have her watch. It's one of those "wrap around" watches...No clasps or hooks - just kind of 'wraps' around her wrist. This was one of her most favorite things to chew on when we would visit in the baby'ish years. Anyway - she wanted the watch. Sandy didn't particularly want to give UP her watch - seeing as she knows she may never see it again. However, Andie in all her wisdom decided the only way to get the watch was to give Sandy something in return.

Sandy got a .10 cent plastic hair thing and Andie got the watch. Sandy's response:

"Good Trade"

It was a bizarre rendition of a scene from 'Dances With Wolves'....

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

That's about it for today. I need to start writing these things down. Some of them are pretty damn cute.

10/08/2007

The Funny Continues... Stumble Upon Digg It! Add to Delicious Add to Technorati

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As my stress continues to rise, so does the endless search of mindless humor. As my normal daily routine of checking the news (It's a drug - but I'm doing much better - I don't click on the headlines that I KNOW are going to bother me) I, with one eye, opened Linda's blog (my favorite writer) - and I'm about to totally steal her post of the day.

She happen to be watching "The Princess Bride" while she was working - so her post became a "move quote" marathon.

I didn't have the 'oomph' to explain to anyone in her comment section that MY family can best ANY family when it comes to movie quotes. My sister and I can talk in nothing BUT movie quotes for an hour, and completely understand that the other - went to the store, did some laundry, drove to soccer practice, spent some time on the computer, had her pap smeared, and spent some time on the computer.

So.....What's your favorite movie quote?

I'll start it off.

Golden Child: Only a man who's heart is pure can wield the knife, and only a man who's ass is narrow can get down these steps, and if I have such an ass, then I may have it.

Evolution: I think that we've established that ka-ka ka-ka and tookie tookie...don't work here

E.T.: Shut Up Penis Breath.

ID4: What's with the fat lady? You're obsessed with the fat lady!


Just to name a few.....Post as often as you would like....I'm interested in the things that stick in ya'lls brains.....


**sidenote** how ironic....the phone rang right as I was about to post this and Grandmommy is going in for surgery tomorrow. "Hello Stess, My name is Kerrie"

10/04/2007

A Daily Dose Stumble Upon Digg It! Add to Delicious Add to Technorati

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These last few weeks I've been intentionally seeking out 'humor' any way that I can. Our "On Demand" button on the cable is about to be worn off in my endless search of mindless comedy flicks and stand up comedians. My online time is being spent searching the depths of comedy central watching .52 second clips of every comedian imaginable just to get a couple chuckles - in what has otherwise been a crappy couple of weeks.

I'm a huge fan of stand up comedy, always have been. Never have had the brain capacity to watch and/or follow such comedians at the Jon Stewarts, Bill Mahers or Stephen Colbert. I'm certainly not saying they aren't brilliant comedians ... but it can be a bit over my head at times - and quite frankly, sometimes politics just bore me. However, give me some Blue Collar Comedy tour and I'm as happy as a redneck with a double wide and a six pack of bud.

Which brings me to our comedian of the day. Jeff Dunham.
That's pronounced Jeff Dunham....Not....Jef F Dun Ham. (that will make sense if you watch his latest stand up routine)

This is a man who makes his living, and not doing a bad job of it, by sticking his hand up the ass' of puppets and making them talk. Yes, he's a ventriloquist.

Anyway - His characters range from Walter - The Old Grumpy Old Man, Peanut - The Purple Alien, and of course - "Jose, The JalapeƱo On A Stick" (which is exactly what it sounds like ... a talking pepper with a stick up his butt).

If you get the chance - check this guy out. I was under the impression that he's only been around for a while - but there are clips in here with Johnny. I would also like to point out - if you've read anything over time about comedians and Johnny....Getting invited over to the chairs was a HUGE deal.



So, here's the daily dose of humor for today. I hope you get a kick out of this guy as much as I do. I really think for doing what he does - he's very clever and quick....And the actual human is pretty funny too.....

10/01/2007

Back To La La Land Stumble Upon Digg It! Add to Delicious Add to Technorati

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It’s been a difficult week. The first reason being that I have some strange ailment that even the doctor couldn't exactly pinpoint, so just gave me a heaping of bizarre medications in hopes of killing whatever was currently have a little fiesta in my body. I’m still doing things at about half speed and sound like a patient from the local TB clinic.

The second reason is a bit harder to explain, but I will try to do so, as it may effect what is written on these pages.

Probably about a month ago, my brother in law said in the comment section (paraphrasing) “loving the blogs….laughing my ass off…keep ‘em coming...except for those child neglect posts…”. I could understand that – and do my best to keep it light hearted and good fun. However, that doesn’t mean that I don’t still KNOW about the child neglect cases, and all the other ‘cases’ of evil around the world.

Wednesday at around lunch time, a “breaking story” hit the internet, followed by almost every tv station in the country. I’m hoping you’ve seen/heard it – b/c I truly don’t have what it takes to recap it – and honestly – you are better off if you haven't heard it. In a nutshell it involved a three year old girl – a video tape – and the lowest denominator of a human piece of shit in the world. What makes this story different from all the horrible countless ones out there – is they were unsure where the girl was – or who she was . AND there was a picture … a still frame from THE video tape.

I think that’s what did me in. Most of these cases there is no photography – just the words. And sometimes I think it’s easier to set yourself apart from it if you don’t actually SEE it. But there she was on CNN, with a complete vacant look – almost as if she was saying ‘please help me’.

Her face has been burned in my brain for five days now. I haven't closed my eyes once without seeing her, or looked at my own daughter and not thought of this little girl. I have shed more tears for this little nameless girl in five days than when I got laid off from my job many years ago.

There is a ‘somewhat’ good end to the story – and by that I mean the girl has been found “safe”…(we’ll see about that), however the walking excrement hasn’t been found and is “at large”. The police have vowed… “we have long memories – we will not forget about you”. And when they DO find him, I will gladly fly to wherever they need me to cut his balls off with a rusty knife.

The reaction that I had to this has told/taught me a few things about myself over the last few days. Maybe I’m too emotional…Maybe I get attached too easily? Or maybe I’ve just HAD ENOUGH! Whatever the reason may be – I’ve made some decisions.

I’m not going to be a news junkie anymore. If there is something important going on in the world – I need ya’ll to tell me. Maybe that’s the wrong way of going about it – but I think it’s the best way for me to go.

You can never be too safe as a parent – especially these days. The days of “go play outside and come back when it’s dark” are over. We don’t trust anyone – and quite honestly, for good reason. Just recently some daycare workers (I’m unsure of where) thought it was a good idea to shut a baby up b/c he cried so much – so they TAPED the pacifier in his mouth and left him in the bathroom. Another example – a babysitter wanted the baby to stop crying so she submerged his little 18 month old feet in scalding boiling water….

All this effects how I think – how I motivate – and what is constantly entering my head when I slow down. There isn’t a day that my heart does not break for something I CAN’T change, someone I CAN’T help. I have to train myself at night when I get into bed to think of “happy things”, and not convince myself that tomorrow is the day that something truly horrible is going to happen.

So, there it is. I’m done. No more sensational news. No more child neglect stories if I can help it. The weather channel, E! news and “news of the weird” is where I’ll be.

But – to start off the new “no news” me – I would like to introduce to you my child…I don’t often post pictures of her (read all the crap I just wrote as to why)…but I couldn’t pass this one up

The love child of Shawn Cassidy….