Dear Mr. Punxsutawney and Mr. Cottontail,
I was hoping that after the last year that we had had, you and I had an agreement. Clearly we have not reached common ground. Last summer I spent many sleepless nights wondering what different shrub and/or flower you would decide to consume the next day and each day you would surprise me. Your cunningness and extreme bravery in entering my backyard each day, sometimes not but three feet away from me, was truly inspiring. However, I was hoping that you would have moved on to another family by now.
In my naïveté I was hoping that maybe it was merely a welcome to the neighborhood - or even an initiation into the group...but with your return once again, I have to assume that you have picked my backyard as your spring and summer playground.
I must respectively ask you to stop. Today is the first day of spring, and even though only two or three blooms have poked through the cold and frost - you have already devoured everything. All that remains is the carnage and wasteland of what could have been
Again, with my sincere respect, please stay the fuck out of my backyard.
_______________________________________________________________________
Dear Ms. You Can't Tell A Bulb From Your Own Ass,
If you could even name ONE flower that is currently blooming in your backyard, MAYBE we would give you a break. However, we watched with glee as last year you dug every one of those damn things up - thinking they were freakin' full size ONIONS and throw them in the yard.
Nice try by the way - grabbing all the remains - and trying to replant them. Now that Spring has shown up they look like mutated science experiments gone wrong.
As long as I have four legs and air in my lungs - the constant onslaught of your yard will remain in full force.
Welcome to the neighborhood, you poser.
_______________________________________________________________________
You Rotten Rabid Ground Crawling Rodent,
I've got my eye on a high velocity, aluminum frame, high impact sling shot.
Your ass is mine.
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2 comments:
A 9 MM would would probably help you reach your desired end, but I feel certain that your neighbors would not approve.
A cat would probably do the trick :)
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