Two weeks ago I had no intention of writing any of this. Two weeks ago this was something that was just mine and those that I've told. A silent thing that I'm going through, and really no one else's business.

However, just a couple minutes ago something dawned on me. I'm not really all that embarrassed by what's going on, and maybe someone else is going through it as well, and has some advice or a different perspective.

I've always been a bit of a worrier. Worried to get somewhere on time, worried that my boyfriend might break up with me, worried that I would have money to pay a bill. Normal things that normal people worry about. However, once my daughter was born, I started experiencing some very SPECIFIC worries. I can't imagine that any mother doesn't really. Is she breathing? Is she choking? Is she eating enough? Is she happy?

NORMAL worries.

However, as time has gone by, my worries have turned into what I can only call, anxieties. Again, I don't think that any parent at one point in time hasn't had the thought cross there mind of "what if?"...What if she doesn't get off the bus? What if someone grabs her? What if she runs away? What if? What if? What if?

But in MY head those "what if's" stay there...for hours. Often times at 2:00 in the morning when I've woken up to use the restroom...I will lay awake for at least an hour or so contemplating the boogie man. Or the medicine cabinet. Or getting hit by a car. Or choking on those stupid legos she refuses to keep away from her mouth.

I'm already freaking out about her riding the bus....and even the possibility of that is a year away. How will she know where to go? Is there a teacher right there to show her to class? What if she walks out of the school? Will she know what bus to get back on? What if the bus has an accident? Do they have seat belts? What if she doesn't get off the bus? What if I don't get to the bus stop in time? Will she cross the street without looking both ways?

See what I mean?

The problem is...while this is happening I KNOW it's irrational. I KNOW it's silly....but I can't stop it. Let me assure you that being in MY brain is exhausting.

My husband and I have talked about it a lot, and I finally got the nerve to call the doctor. We talked for a while and it was mentioned that I may have some form of General Anxiety Disorder -or GAD. (as a side note: I told my sister that there isn't anything GENERAL about this anxiety. It's very specific. So, technically I have SAD. Which really isn't a thing...But we thought that was funny as hell) I blurted out almost immediately that I did not want to be on medication - which almost immediately made me feel like an asshole. Not because I WANT to be on meds, but because I know people that are, and I felt like I was saying that there is something wrong it. Which there isn't. My problem is, I'm already on a string of meds for the migraines....So, you know.

Anyway. So. He's sending me to a shrink. My appointment is tomorrow. I'm a little nervous about the whole thing actually. As of right now, this is pretty much only going on inside my head....But my biggest fear is that one day it's going to overflow onto her. No, she can't go on that sleep over because it's supposed to rain that night, and what if their house floods and they don't have a flood escape plan in place?

Sigh. I'm tired.

So, are any of y'all crazy?


MommaKiss said...

Hey, thanks for stopping by!

If you've read my blog, I'm def crazy. I'm on the meds - and I have no problem w/ it.

I also get myself therapized. It's not easy - at all - but do it, it'll help w/ your SAD.

SmartAssMom said...

Eeeee!! I was all crazy with the anxiety, too. I say "was" and not "am" because therapy actually worked for me. I wanted the meds, but because I was on all sorts of fertility drugs they weren't too keen on that - and I was not happy. But that therapy stuff works! I went from a lifetime of being anxiety ridden to being almost a normal person. Good luck!!

kyslp said...

Yep. I, too, have a healthy dose of The Crazy. Not so much the anxiety. I lean to depression and mood swings. I hope the therapy helps. I have thought about it many times.

Thanks for stopping by my blog and commenting!Your MIL sounds like a national treasure, as well.

Brakes and Gas said...

When I was a kid I had pretty bad OCD, which in me, manifested in irrational fears. With a lot of hard-work (w/o meds too) I got over it mostly but after I had Eloise, it has started to creep back. Mommy hormones/feelings are super strong stuff! Good for you for addressing them head on! Know you are not alone and hopefully we will both be sleeping through the night again soon!

Aunt Becky said...

I write a blog called "Mommy Wants Vodka" to The Internet where I call myself "Aunt Becky."

Do I SOUND sane to you?

Mad Woman said...

I'm sorry, did you miss the title of my blog? Or how I introduce myself to the internets as a whole? In case the answer to those two questions is "yes", let me refresh your memory.

Mind of a Mad Woman..and I would be the Mad Woman.

I'm certifiably depressed with meds to keep me sane (I call them my blue bippies) and I have anxiety about all sorts of things. Thankfully Hotty Hubby is pretty level and he just slaps a bit of sense into me from time to time.

Good luck at your appointment.... maybe they can turn that GAD into GLAD (yeah I know..cheesy)

Anonymous said...

I wonder what would GLAD stand for?

just making my way said...

Proud of you for sharing - because I do think it's totally "normal" to need to take some action when your life is being affected.

Hope the appointment goes well!

Aunt Juicebox said...

I also suffer from similar irrational fears from OCD. It keeps me awake all.damn.night. The biggest fear is that someone will break into my house and kidnap my daughter and do unspeakable things to her while I am asleep. If she doesn't text me the second she gets on or off the bus, I just know she's been taken. I really thought this would get better as she got older, but now I just obsess over other stuff.

Peter said...

Those Mommy chemicals can be hard on you. We lost the baby that would have been our third, and first little girl. It almost destroyed our marriage and my wife's sanity. We eventually worked through it.

Please don't take that first paragraph as me saying it was easy on me, I had my problems to work through too, but my Linda was home with the boys while I was at least out and about, working.

Forty years later, we're fine. that might count for something.

Your main task is to put one foot in front of the other until you walk through it. Above all, remember, kids are pretty tough. Remember what you went through, things you can't imagine for your kids, we couldn't text anyone. We bicycled off to see our friends and NO ONE KNEW WHERE WE WERE! And we were fine.

I don't remember how I got to this site, flipping around the Internet but I hope you muddle through. I'll drop a word in for you in my nightly prayers.

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