The Mini Van Soap Box

You know that phrase "one-two punch"? We're well past that. We've been punched repeatedly and left bleeding in the ring - except we don't have one of those guys like Rocky did with a glass of water and razor blade to cut our eye open so we can see again.

According to people smarter than me - we've had more snow this winter season than any winter season on record. Apparently they have been keeping records for 126 years...so technically NO ONE ALIVE has ever seen this much snow in this area. Isn't that FASCINATING? Yea, I don't think it is either. Additionally to a 126 year record breaking snow fall - we also have had more snow this winter than places that are supposed to get a lot of snow. Like Chicago. Or Minneapolis. And FARGO NORTH DAKOTA. You know what? That's why I don't live there. I didn't see that movie Fargo...but I know two things. They talk a little funny...and there was snow. A lot of it.

So, two weeks ago it started with a sick kid. And not the kind you can, you know, like FIX with drugs and stuff. It's that stupid word viral. Which in non-doctor terms means "Sucks To Be You Mom". So, she was home for almost the entire week.  Then we got five feet of snow dropped on top of us in two serperate installments which essentially shut the entire state down for another week and a half.

We lost power for almost an entire day. That was fun too. I'll tell you what...I could never be Amish. Neither could my kid. I thought her head was going to explode. I had fun explaining to her that back in the OLDEN days...There WAS no Wii.  She actually feels sorry for her Grandparents. The horrible lives they must have lived....walking uphill to school both ways, holding a Wii controller in their hand, but nothing to use it on.

So, eventually you make it out of your house - if for nothing else but to restock on beer, frozen dinners and juice boxes and that's when you get thrown in jail for cramming a snow shovel up someones ass.  I'm no expert by any means - and when Town Official People tell me to stay off the roads or else I may die, I listen - however I know the general rule of driving in the snow if I have to.

First.  Get the snow off your car. I love it when huge shards of ice and crap come flying at my windshield. It's like a video game.  jerk wad.

Second. Don't slam on the brakes when you are on an incline...Especially if I'm behind you. douche bag.

Third. Driving like Ms. Daisy is not necessarily making you safer than everyone else...It's actually pissing everyone off because now we can't get any traction. asshole.

The slow process of digging out has begun and I'm sure in a few weeks when the slow thaw begins I'll start bitching about the water damage in the basement.  Woot!


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Update:  Apparently the guy that cuts your eye open is called a Cutman. A bit on the nose don't you think.

Update 2:  I thought that the Cutman from Rocky was Burgess Meredith...(that old guy from Grumpy Old Men) but it wasn't. I think that movie would have been much better if Burgess Meredith had slashed his eye open.

Update 3: I have no idea why I'm talking about this - I actually hate that movie. But not Burgess Meredith. He could call me if he wanted to.

Update 4:  Shit. Nevermind. He's dead. That phone call would scare the crap out of me.