The Mini Van Soap Box

I had to pause my tv rather quickly to rush over here to post something.

This is by far the most ridiculous thing I have EVER seen on tv. Ever. Ever ever ever.

And I watch a LOT of tv, ya'll know that.

With the writers strike in full force, and no end in sight, the reality tv is coming out of the wood work. As I've stated many times before, while although I am a tv whore, I do draw the line on some things.

I hate any sort of tv where love is the goal. Finding and/or falling in love with your one true soul mate - on national television is ludicous to me. If there is anything we've learned from reality tv - it's that people are either going to be the worst or best of themselves....chances are - not their NORMAL selves.

So enter the newest and darkest of IDIOCY of reality tv.

"The Moment of Truth"

Before the "game" even starts you've been separated from people and hooked up to a polygraph and asked a million questions.

Then you are put on national television and asked 21 of those questions. Answer the question, the same way you did on your polygraph, and you'll win money.

Easy enough, right?

Not so much - they ask horrible questions. And in some cases they bring out the very thing that the question is about.

Case in point: Let's say that obese people repulse you. The person that asks you that question is pushing 450 pounds. You have to look that person in the face and answer "yes" - or else you'll lose ever dollar you've made to that point.

It's starts off easy enough. "Have you ever suspected a friend of yours has made a pass at your wife?" "Have you ever called in sick to work, and not been sick?". With each question they get more difficult, more personal, more hurtful.

"Do you love one of your children more than the other?". "Do you truly believe that you will be married to your spouse in five years?" "Is there a reason why your spouse should not trust you?" "Since you've been married, have you used the internet to flirt with another woman?" (and I'm only 20 minutes into this show...it CAN'T get any better!)

Your family is sitting right in front of you. Your wife. Husband. Father. Mother. CHILDREN.

Let's be honest. There is something we are ALL hiding - or rather don't want someone to know. These people work in tv and I gaurantee they will find a way to find out what you DON'T want anyone else to know.

If the all american dollar is so damn important to you - that you are willing to do anything to get it ... Go for it.

Just don't be surprised if your girlfriend hasn't moved out by the time you get home.

I've been single parenting for the last week, with one more week to go. The husband has left me for a titillating two week trip to Cincinnati. (yea, I'm not real upset about not being able to go on THAT one) In that time - when only one parent is available to entertain the spawn - it's necessary to come up with interesting activities. I've been lucky that we've been doused with a good six inches of snow. Outside activities are always a good choice. 1 - she's not making a mess in my house. 2. - outside activities seem to tire her out more than inside ones.

So, Friday afternoon found us outside - just mother and child - for what I was hoping would be a magical afternoon in the snow. Movie style was what I had in my head. The joyous occasion of gentle snow falling on our heads. Making snow angels hand in hand. An impromptu snow ball fight. Finding sticks and coal to complete the look of our perfect snow man. And then ending the day in front of our warm fire with hot cocoa.

Not so much.

What actually happened was more a of Greek tragedy. First, we do not have the proper garments in this house for any sort of wet weather frolicking. Hats, gloves, coats - yes. Boots and snow pants - No. So, after some creative thinking on my part, we bundled up in what we had - and then taped plastic baggies to her feet. While although that only took me about 4 seconds to type - It took about 25 minutes to do in real life.

So, of course the FIRST thing we had to do once we got outside was go 'pee pee'. Guess what? We didn't make it fast enough. So - new pants, socks, and panties. Tape her back up and proceed.

I find it interesting that for a child that was so damn excited about going outside to play...once she got outside - stood like a stone and refused to move. Don't get me wrong - she was happy as a clam. Just standing. Like a doofus. I thought maybe it was the zip lock bags on her legs...Because, seriously - must be a pretty weird sensation to walk on the inside of a plastic bag - not to mention slippery.

I ripped those off....Only to have her continue to stand.

Now she's starting to get irritated at me because I'm not playing.

Interesting turn of events. Apparently we're outside so I can enjoy the first snow fall of the year...and she'll just watch? I guess not a bad idea when you think about it. Why exert yourself - when someone else will do it for you.

Eventually the rain and sleet started so our afternoon had to come to an end. The hot cocoa did happen. However, it was more of a "gimmee that hot cocoa or I'll wake up at 3:30 and throw my Dora doll at your head".

We made it out again today. After yesterdays dress rehearsal I was much better about the prep work - and the potty break before I even grabbed her coat.

Sadly, the snow has lost much of it luster and has taken on that sheen of ice on the top - that if your light enough - you can walk on top of (much like Legolas from Lord of the Rings). Snow man and snow ball making are pretty much not an option at this point.

It's at this point that I start to get ordered what to do....where to go...what to grab...what snow to use...and how to use it.

What follows is the conceptual art that my child created - without moving a muscle.

I need to explain one thing. What, to me, looks like an erect penis is actually a miniature snowman that I made the day before when trying to show her that snow was cool. She decided at the end of our castle/moat/weird dune of snow structure that the old snowman, that has now melted a bit and is starting to resemble a snowman with a bad case of osteoporosis needs to be placed on the dune of snow.

THAT was the only thing that she actually did. Everything else was an order.

Why I really hate here it sometimes.





January is the official kick-off of me being a cold whiny ass baby for the next two months.

Global warming my ass...

Warning labels are, for the most part, made for a reason...To Warn. There are those in our society that took a very slow crawl out of the gene pool and need some extra guidance from time to time. Sadly, those people need to be reminded that they shouldn't throw their hair dryers into the bathtub WHILE full of water, not to operate a tractor after taking 14 Percocet, or that deodorant is not for internal consumption.

The other side of that, however, is that warning labels are often created BECAUSE someone did something stupid...and then by way of the American favorite pastime, sued someone because they were an idiot.

We all know the story of the women who accidentally spilled her coffee in her lap while driving her car...and now every McDonalds cup has to have a warning: "Caution: Extremely Hot Beverage". Small price to pay I imagine to avoid litigation again - but I'm afraid the pay out the first time was probably something fierce.

My husband and I enjoy reading the warning labels off of things - and try to figure out if the manufacturer actually CARES that we don't do something - or is simply trying to make sure that when Billy Joe Bubba tries to cut his own hair with a weed wacker, they are not held liable.

All of that being said, I have enjoyed gazing at the warning label on my hair straightener for some time now. Yes, I know what it's SUPPOSED to say - however, if read fast (like the first time I did it) I find it quite amusing.









There are just so many different ways to misinterpret this it makes me laugh. For starters, there is no period at the end of the first sentence....So, it actually reads:

Eye contact warning for straightening iron In Canada - Not for household use.

So, is CHI Hair Product only concerned for Canadians? Or does CHI Hair Product assume that all Canadians are dim witted and feel as though they need extra warnings? Are Canadians eyes far more sensitive than us Americans?

Or even better - Do you suppose that someone out there actually tried to straighten their eyelashes with this thing? Let me tell you - that would take a special kind of stupid. This thing is WICKED hot.

Next time you read a warning label, stop and think for a second. Do you think the company thought it best to warn people before hand - or that someone didn't actually know that they were supposed to take the baby out of the stroller before attempting to fold up?

If you see any - send them my way.

Santa has come and gone - and left in his wake are empty boxes and sheets of wrapping paper. I've spent the better portion of today cleaning everything up and trying to get the house back to it's original state, but of course, end up stopping every so often to play or figit with one of our new toys.

The child is currently in sensory overload. Not exactly knowing what to play with first - so attempts to play with everything at once...then gets frustrated, along with the fact that she hasn't slept in about a week...She's a bit cranky today.

So, I took her to school. :)

She got some good loot though - I'll tell you what. Bitty baby, play kitchen, new tv, toys, games and books. I've had to go through all the old toys to make room for the new. Per my earlier post - he and I decided to splurge on the tv. It certainly hurt a bit to spend so much money on a tv for a THREE YEAR OLD...but I think it may just work. She is currently obsessed with Nemo - so we set the DVD player up in her room, hit play and crawl back into bed. It's getting to the point where I can recite the whole movie myself by listening to it through the baby monitor ... but if it grants me another half hour of vegging time, than I'll take it.

Her reaction to her play kitchen was fantastic. She 'ooh'd and aah'd' for a while, and then turned around and very matter of factly told the room that the faucet didn't work.

We are having a good time learning how to use our new camera - and then using the new camera to take pictures of our new Wii. We both have wii arm right now from playing too much baseball.

As a matter of fact, I took a picture of the wii just earlier today. You see - They have what they call a fitness test on wii sports. By taking this 'wii test' - you will get what your 'wii age' is.

At the start of yesterday, I was 62.

Today, I am proud to say that I am only 33.











So, the year is coming to a close, and hopefully 2008 will bring as many adventures as we saw in 2007.

Just remember next year around this time, to watch what you wear. You don't want to offend anyone with your choices in reindeer attire.

You know who you are....

Oh! The Catalog Countdown of 2007 is now officially closed. I have been keeping all of them in the dining room and just today made the last count. I received 62 catalogs.

I have absolutely NO idea why I need 5 copies of Sharper Image. Now if only I could come up with something interesting to do with them.

Merry Christmas everyone.