The Mini Van Soap Box

Warning labels are, for the most part, made for a reason...To Warn. There are those in our society that took a very slow crawl out of the gene pool and need some extra guidance from time to time. Sadly, those people need to be reminded that they shouldn't throw their hair dryers into the bathtub WHILE full of water, not to operate a tractor after taking 14 Percocet, or that deodorant is not for internal consumption.

The other side of that, however, is that warning labels are often created BECAUSE someone did something stupid...and then by way of the American favorite pastime, sued someone because they were an idiot.

We all know the story of the women who accidentally spilled her coffee in her lap while driving her car...and now every McDonalds cup has to have a warning: "Caution: Extremely Hot Beverage". Small price to pay I imagine to avoid litigation again - but I'm afraid the pay out the first time was probably something fierce.

My husband and I enjoy reading the warning labels off of things - and try to figure out if the manufacturer actually CARES that we don't do something - or is simply trying to make sure that when Billy Joe Bubba tries to cut his own hair with a weed wacker, they are not held liable.

All of that being said, I have enjoyed gazing at the warning label on my hair straightener for some time now. Yes, I know what it's SUPPOSED to say - however, if read fast (like the first time I did it) I find it quite amusing.









There are just so many different ways to misinterpret this it makes me laugh. For starters, there is no period at the end of the first sentence....So, it actually reads:

Eye contact warning for straightening iron In Canada - Not for household use.

So, is CHI Hair Product only concerned for Canadians? Or does CHI Hair Product assume that all Canadians are dim witted and feel as though they need extra warnings? Are Canadians eyes far more sensitive than us Americans?

Or even better - Do you suppose that someone out there actually tried to straighten their eyelashes with this thing? Let me tell you - that would take a special kind of stupid. This thing is WICKED hot.

Next time you read a warning label, stop and think for a second. Do you think the company thought it best to warn people before hand - or that someone didn't actually know that they were supposed to take the baby out of the stroller before attempting to fold up?

If you see any - send them my way.

Santa has come and gone - and left in his wake are empty boxes and sheets of wrapping paper. I've spent the better portion of today cleaning everything up and trying to get the house back to it's original state, but of course, end up stopping every so often to play or figit with one of our new toys.

The child is currently in sensory overload. Not exactly knowing what to play with first - so attempts to play with everything at once...then gets frustrated, along with the fact that she hasn't slept in about a week...She's a bit cranky today.

So, I took her to school. :)

She got some good loot though - I'll tell you what. Bitty baby, play kitchen, new tv, toys, games and books. I've had to go through all the old toys to make room for the new. Per my earlier post - he and I decided to splurge on the tv. It certainly hurt a bit to spend so much money on a tv for a THREE YEAR OLD...but I think it may just work. She is currently obsessed with Nemo - so we set the DVD player up in her room, hit play and crawl back into bed. It's getting to the point where I can recite the whole movie myself by listening to it through the baby monitor ... but if it grants me another half hour of vegging time, than I'll take it.

Her reaction to her play kitchen was fantastic. She 'ooh'd and aah'd' for a while, and then turned around and very matter of factly told the room that the faucet didn't work.

We are having a good time learning how to use our new camera - and then using the new camera to take pictures of our new Wii. We both have wii arm right now from playing too much baseball.

As a matter of fact, I took a picture of the wii just earlier today. You see - They have what they call a fitness test on wii sports. By taking this 'wii test' - you will get what your 'wii age' is.

At the start of yesterday, I was 62.

Today, I am proud to say that I am only 33.











So, the year is coming to a close, and hopefully 2008 will bring as many adventures as we saw in 2007.

Just remember next year around this time, to watch what you wear. You don't want to offend anyone with your choices in reindeer attire.

You know who you are....

Oh! The Catalog Countdown of 2007 is now officially closed. I have been keeping all of them in the dining room and just today made the last count. I received 62 catalogs.

I have absolutely NO idea why I need 5 copies of Sharper Image. Now if only I could come up with something interesting to do with them.

Merry Christmas everyone.

The items our hearts most desire when we are young are often simple things. Now looking back - I still smile when I think of the Christmas that I got my Barbie Doll Dream House. I'm not entirely sure if it's a real memory I have, or a picture that I've seen many times over my 30 some years, but I feel like I remember running into the living room and seeing that huge home for all my Barbies (and Ken, ugh) to live.

The year my sister and I got a box full of one dollar bills is another great one. It could have been just $40 dollars total for all we knew...but it didn't matter. We giggled and laughed like we had won the lottery....pulled each crumpled bill out, rubbing the wrinkles out - and counting each one out.

The year of my first phone was a big year...and oddly enough....the year I got my Freaky Freddy is still very clear in my mind. I say oddly because I think I was probably well into my teen years, and physically WEPT when I opened that box.

I still have Freddy to this day.

Sadly, as we grow older, our 'wants' become larger and ultimately more expensive. It certainly does not help that with each passing day, more and more technology is being discovered and/or advanced to make our lives easier and faster, so much so that the cell phone or the tv we just bought yesterday is now obsolete.

That being said....I'm no different...I want expensive stuff. A lot of people have asked me this Christmas season what I would like, or maybe even just a hint as to what I would like, and for the life of me...I haven't been able to come up with one thing that wasn't insanely tacky to mention. How exactly do you say "I'm sorry - everything on this list requires the giver to have buckets of money to blow on little ol' me".

So unless anyone reading this can give me: World Peace, a stop to all domestic and child abuse, a cure for AIDS or cancer, better care for our elderly, and a guarantee that all child molesters will rot in jail for the rest of their lives...............the following is what has really been my Ridiculous Christmas Wish List....(just remember...I already said it was tacky)

Digital Camera and a Digital Recorder
I'm not exactly sure if it's the camera or the operator of the camera - but every picture I've taken of this child has sucked since she turned three. The batteries get their lives sucked out of them in about 7 pictures, and I've become the crazy lady that carries 32 AA batteries around in her bag.


Playstation 3 - Ratchet & Clank Bundle
The ONLY damn reason I want this thing is because - Ratchet and Clank, my favorite game of all time, isn't being made for ANY other console. It's quite irritating actually.


Air-O-Swiss Humidifier
This would actually benefit everyone in the house!! It seems that ever since I had a child, things effect me differently than they did before. Air is one of those things. Dry air never seemed to bother me a whole lot, but now once winter comes around, every night feels like I'm breathing fire through my nose. I've gone through a million different humidifiers for my room and hers...and I just can't find the right one.

High Def DVD Player
This really wasn't very high on my list until just recently. I was given the entire copy of the DVD series "Planet Earth". This series ran on the Discovery Channel and apparently became an over night sensation. I was given this because "we've watched this whole thing - but just HAVE to have it in high def." I took it, said thanks, and never really thought about it again. Until we sat down and watched it and the very first thing I said was "Wow, this would be awesome in high def". I highly recommend "Planet Earth" for anyone on your Christmas list. Even the non-high def is unbelievable.

A Larger TV for the Spawn
When I moved her into her big girl room, I gave her this little tv for the corner. The hope behind that was when she woke up at 6:00 am on a Saturday, she would lay in bed and watch cartoons - and let me veg a little longer in peace. I've come to learn that although she would LOVE to watch cartoons in her room...she can't see the damn thing. It's microscopic. So....we're back to getting up at 6:00 every day.

A Cord Of Wood and Holder
This is my first house with a real fireplace. And I'm addicted. I'm going to put this family into bankruptcy if I keep buying fake logs from the grocery store.


127 hours at the local spa
Massages, massages, massages. I love them. I miss them. But insanely expensive.

See what I mean? So, let's add it up. Considering than an hour massage runs about $80 bucks, 127 of them would cost me a little under $11,000 (that includes tip). So, we'll leave that out of the equation for now. Everything else - I could probably get my hands on for a about $3200.

OH. My husband needs a new pair of slippers.

It's been so cold here that I believe my creative juices have been frozen solid, however I thought it was important to pass on this interesting information.

And by interesting information, I mean information that will probably make absolutely no sense to you at all. Except for maybe two of you. I'm not exactly sure I understand it all myself, but will do my best to explain it in non-geek terms.

I believe that one of the strongest points of my marriage is the fact that we compliment each others differences. Granted, our way of "complimenting" those said differences has been by spending a large portion of our adult lives poking fun at what the other enjoys.

I always knew when we were in High School that he and his friends were a bit...strange. Granted, I really had no right to talk considering I was a drama student. You don't typically get any stranger than that. I never really understood the extent of the strange until much later in life.

After returning home from cavorting with girlfriends at a local bar, I entered our living room to find my husband and his friends in a full on Sunday Night "Game". What met me was a friend of his, we'll call him Tacitus, speaking in a falsetto female voice, in what I'm still not entirely sure was a real language. There was probably about six of them there, all intently listening, making notes, and checking what was on the 12 sided die.

Yes, I am speaking of Role Playing. D&D Role Playing.

That's Dungeons and Dragons for you uneducated souls.

I've picked things up here and there - not on purpose mind you. Elfs, Dragons, Dwarfs, Goblins, Orcs, Mojhs, Charisma, Wisdom and Hit points almost all make sense to me. I still have no desire to take part, or even be in the same room. Much like I'm sure if I was to have a book club meeting to discuss the latest romance novel - he would rather be as far away as possible.

As time has flown by and we've all grown older - moved away or had children - his Sunday night game is no more. In it's place is computer games, books and online RPG.....That's Role Playing Game...Come on people...Keep up.

That's just background to the point of this post.

His best friend has recently entered the Paizo RPG Superstar writing contest. The idea is simple enough to understand. Paizo is looking for the next great RPG designer. There are six rounds: Wondrous Item, Design A Country, Design A Villain, Design Three Linked Monsters, Design An Encounter and lastly, Submit a Full Adventure Proposal.

(I told you this wouldn't make sense to any of you)

He's already sailed through the first two rounds (where there were 850 entries to begin with), and has just today made the Final 16.

The winner, decided by the readers of Paizo, will be given the opportunity to get paid to write for Paizo Publishing. I couldn't imagine anything cooler for this guy to do.

Even if this doesn't interest you in the slightest....Check out the country Iskandria. I find it amazing what some people can just come up with in their minds.

As a side note: I needed some slight input from my husband on this post, mostly because I didn't know how to spell Mojh. However, in asking one simple question, an apparent lack of judgment on my part, I have also learned:

There apparently IS a difference between a Dungeon Master, Storyteller, and a Game Master. There is such a creature in his world called Black Pudding, which from what I understand, surrounds you and melts you in some sort of way. (That would be your character, not your real person). And lastly that monkey-goblins are cool.

So, in conclusion. Go Robert. We're very proud of you. Now go write the greatest RPG villain of all time.

This will be the first Christmas that we've had since our off spring was born that we are actually "celebrating".

Let me explain. I don't need a Christmas tree or presents under the tree to know what Christmas means. However, there is a different aspect to Christmas when you have a child. All of them leading up to this point have either been in the stage of life where baby urp was still gracing my shoulder and my boobs no longer for show but a source of food. After that, Christmas was simply another day to her. To young to understand or even care.

Now that we've hit the landmark of three years old, the ability to unwrap presents, and a brain like a sponge soaking up everything around her and every word said - Christmas is in full force in this house this year.

She understands Santa - although she calls him Christmas - and is slowly getting the trusty parent mantra of "Santa is watching, you better be good". (How long do I get to milk that one?)

We're reading her Nativity story book at night, and I've introduced her to the Three Wise Men (however, in this house they are stuffed sheep with long funny looking legs named Zeb, Jake, and Eli - hey, it worked in a pinch)

The Christmas tree is out and decorated, stockings hung, and front yard shines with white lights from dusk to dawn (I've got this cool outdoor timer).

However, with all that being said - there still needs to be some shit under the tree after she is safely tucked into bed on Christmas Eve.

So, $400 later - and three trips from the car to the house. Santa..er, I mean, Mama is done shopping.

And let me assure you that I have learned a lesson from my mother. Every thing will be wrapped individually to make her booty from Santa look bigger.

She got 5 coloring books...They will each get placed in their own box and wrapped up. Any of those come with a set of 4 complimentary crappy waxy crayon wanna be's...They will get wrapped up too.

I mean... Come On...She's three!! She was ecstatic when she got socks for her birthday!!

This year she will be receiving the before mentioned coloring books, ABC Leap Frog six foot puzzle, (I'm still undecided about that one), 1,2,3 Leap Frog puzzle, the latest and greatest Water Pen Floor Mat, Little Einstein Doodle Pro (with classical music built in), pants, shirts and other assorted goodies.

I've yet to decide the "big" gift that Santa will bring. I've always known that I would do Christmas morning in my house, the way I had it as a child. There was always the multitude of gifts wrapped under the tree - but there was always one that was unwrapped and in plain view upon entering the family room.

(follow up post about some memorable childhood memories in the days to come)

So, Santa has pretty much finished shopping from this house. I still have yet to find anything for my mother - but hopefully that will come to me....Or maybe she'll drop a hint or two like "Hey, buy me this!!"

So, now all I have to do is wrap all the crap I just threw in the basement, get everything in mail to the appropriate people, come up with some cute Christmas card to send out to every person I've ever met, make cookies and or other assorted goodies for the people who don't make the "gift" shopping list, take Christmas family photos, and every other joyous event that must take place before Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas Everyone.

We all have someone in our office or workplace that drives us crazy.

Maybe it's the ditzy girl that regardless of her lack of IQ, by some miracle, actually still got her job. She knows that your name is Bob. But she INSISTS on calling you Bobby Boo.

The smarmy smaltzy sales guy - who has NO idea what your name is - but somehow thinks that his charming personality is going to make you get off your ass and get him a cup of coffee.....even though you don't even work in the same department.

The boss man. He THINKS he knows your name - but keeps calling you Jim...and your name is Bob.

The angry guy. You could have had a flat tire, house burned own, your dog died, and you were just diagnosed with a horrible case of VD....His day is ultimately always going to be wosre than yours.

The martyr executive secretary. She has clearly misconstrued her relationship with the boss as a personal connection - and thinks that every single person that works for the company is a spy out to get "her man".

The computer guy (certainly not my husband)....regardless of what has happened to your computer - the only plausible explanation is that you are a complete moron. Aliens could have come from the plant Cyron, planted a virus, did horrible anal experiments on you ....and you have digital proof.....It's still your fault because you didn't' stop them.

...And the countless other office type'o personalities that we come across in our daily lives...

Do I have the gift for you!!

It's the USB Rocket Launcher.













Simply place this contraption in your daily cell...er, cubicle space......aim and click.

From the simple confines of your desktop you can take out your enemies from up to 15 feet away.

You see "Joe -B.O. Man" strolling down the hallway. Take him out.

Or maybe "Betty - The Face Talker" is heading your way. Nail Her.

Comes with three foam rockets and a sensible price tag of $30.00.

You KNOW there is someone in your office that you would love to shove a rocket up their ass.