The Mini Van Soap Box

Of the 200 some bones that my body has, I would say that at least one of them is vain. A small one, mind you. Maybe one of the finger bones. I strive to maintain a somewhat non-offensive appearance when I leave the house, but am not necessarily against running to 7-11 on a Sunday morning with no makeup and a baseball cap covering my Edward Scissorhand hairdo. Toothpaste and deodorant would be the the requirement for that trip.

However, I would say it's safe to say that at least once a day I'll see someone and think to myself "Do you even OWN a mirror?"

Now don't get me wrong. Not everyone can afford designer jeans or the latest hottest fashion. That's not even what I'm talking about. I don't think that being a well put together person is that difficult.

And lately it seems to me that my town is being sucked into some worm hole. A black hole of fashion and sense, if you will. An enormous uber-supernova.

My first major issue with the folks in these here parts is that they are completely unaware of space. Not the space that we live in - or the air we breathe...But the space that is the inside of their current shirt of choice. If you are a size 18...why do you insist on cramming your self into a size 4? I'm not entirely sure if someone out there finds this attractive, but if there is a group of men out there that do, I would like to meet them. And bitch slap them. It isn't just the shirts - pants too. Some tell tell signs that the clothes are too small.

A) you can't breathe
B) you try every 4.5 seconds to pull your shirt down to cover your now exposed belly, only to have it pull down and expose your breasts.
C) you have started to resemble, what can only be best described as a backward camel. The bulges from your too tight shirt and pants have now formed three distinct humps.

My other issue is that apparently we are also completely unaware of time. Not the time that my watch says....No, what time it is in the YEAR. For instance, say right now...It's WINTER. It was 6 degrees today. When you are trying to decide what itty bitty little clothing you are going to wear today...try sticking your head out the window. If you can see your breathe - step away from the short shorts and the tube top.

Like I said before - sure, I have a vain bone in my body. I don't think it's real big. I just don't care to look like shit when I'm in public. Does it happen? Sure. Probably more often than I would like. However, I at least attempt to look suitable before I leave.

If I put on a shirt, and you can count the stretch marks that my spawn has left behind - chances are the shirt is too tight. Discard and try again.

And I always stick my head out the window before I leave the house.