The Mini Van Soap Box

Let me start off by saying I had a great Christmas. I spent time with my family, traveled to see both of my sisters and even managed to see my Dad one night. Santa was good to all of us (especially my little one..who can't figure out what to play with first so just throws a tantrum) and I have discovered that I should have been in a rock band in high school - thanks to my brother in law showing me Rock Band on his Wii. Yes, I'm that freakin' cool ya'll.

I would have had 100% on Eye of the Tiger if my daughter hadn't walked in front of the tv.

However with all good things - there is the bad.

And the bad was me, curled up in the fetal position in my Hampton Inn bathroom, sobbing in pain, pleading with my husband to bash me in the head with the closest blunt object, to put me out of my misery.

Not to get on a high horse or anything, but people who don't GET migraines, don't GET migraines. It's difficult to discuss with people how bad they are, because all they are doing in imagining their worst headache. There is no comparison.

I've been suffering with migraines for about 15 years now. However, unlike many, mine aren't often and they are very sporadic. Like, they will go away for a year - but then I'll get one every night for three weeks straight.

Each time it happens we try to figure out what the trigger was that started the spiral. Mine usually seem to be neck/back triggered, with a side order of food/drink related. Over the years we've cut chocolate, processed food, and a year ago we cut out beer from a can. Each time we've managed to find the trigger - they stop. Which is obviously great. Go to any migraine sufferer website and they'll have a list of the most popular triggers. Chocolate, Processed Food, Cheese, red wine, BEER and ASPARTAME.

You see how those are capitalized? Yea, I was trying to make a point.

I'm currently in day two of my beer and aspartame detox.

And I can honestly tell you, without a shadow of a doubt, that a world without Diet Coke and Michelob Ultra sucks ass.

I was completely paralyzed at the grocery store today. My brain just went numb. Without my cart weighed down with beer and diet coke, I was unable to make any normal decisions.

I think I bought a mango and some hummus. I'm not entirely sure why.

As I sit at my desk writing this, I looked around and all that I have accomplished in a short period of time....and well....damn, I'm good.

I've baked, shopped, wrapped, cleaned, wrapped more, baked some more...and will get around to the more cleaning at some point.

Santa's presents are wrapped and hidden downstairs. Last trip this morning to the grocery store, bank and last minute details taken care of.

All I have left to do is shower, dress and join the festivities of the day.

We'll start our celebration at 5:00 for a candlelight service...Which is always fun with a little one. "No! You'll set Mr. Smith, who I might add is 85, on fire! No, you can not hold the candle!" "No, we don't sing Santa Clause is Coming to Town at church"

Afterward, we'll head to friends of the family for some Christmas Eve boozing - where I hear Santa might show up. Good for me, since it didn't even dawn on me to take her to the mall to see him. (Award For Mother Of The Year, right here folks!)

Lastly we head to the parental house - for more Christmas Eve boozing and what I'm sure will be a bigger haul than Santa will bring.

Rush home - hang stockings, glass of milk and cookies (crap I forgot the carrots!) throw her in bed, get everything from it's hiding place, PRE-SET THE COFFEE MAKER (very important), and get a few winks in.

Morning will come all to early in this household - and once she's gathered all her loot. We'll hit the road to NC for merriment with the sisters.

Which I'm sure will involve some sort of Post-Christmas boozing.

I'll be heading to detox when I get home on Sunday.

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas. Truly. May these days bring you family, friends, love - and sanity. And when you feel yourself reaching for the roll of duct tape to bind and gag your mother in law....grab a glass of wine and hide in your bathroom.

Merry Christmas!

I love this time of year. I really do. I love the shopping and the decorating. I love the baking and going into debt. Picking out the just the right present for someone...something I know they aren't expecting or something they would never think to get for themselves.

I love fires going in the fireplace and staying up late on Christmas Eve with my family. Singing by candlelight at Church and seeing friends that I hadn't made time for all year.

Maybe it's the fact that we took a vacation, and so everything "holiday" related hit me square in the face the second I touched down at IAD....but I'm in a funk. I look in the mirror and hate everything that is looking back at me. I swear the sun has not shown itself in 7 days. And my kid has been possessed by some smart ass little elf for the last week.

She'll say "NO"...and then laugh like a mad lunatic. I kid you not.

We ordered some drinks at Starbucks and I ordered a strawberry cream thing for her - with no whip. No reason to give her more sugar. They, of course, gave it to us with whip. So, my husband tried to suck it off the top real quick before he gave it to her. He spent the next 15 minutes trying to get whipped cream out of his nose. That's the hardest I've laughed all week.

So, I'm standing in the kitchen right now making 10 different banana breads for her teachers. Yes, 10. Then they will be individually wrapped and placed in their Christmas goodie bags with the other stuff. I haven't wrapped a single thing and I'm trying to figure out when I'm going to do it - so she won't know they are from us.

Bitch, bitch, bitch. Right?

So, time to take some stock in what I've got.

We've got our health...Cliche, sure. But it's true. All of us.

While although we struggle, the repo man is not knocking on my door to take our cars away. We've got
friends and family that we know would do anything for us, and us for them.

This last year I've seen friends fall in love and marry. I've seen a friend who had previously lost a child, finally have a beautiful baby girl.

I've seen a friend of the family give up part of his liver to save the life of a man he had never met.

Also, this last year, I got ya'll. I've enjoyed writing here more than you'll know. I would like to think I've made some connections...That if/when I see you, we'll be able to instantly hang.

Those are the things that I need to see when I look in the mirror.

Or other working title is "Introducing The Magic Taser"....

For the first solo vacation the three of us have taken since she was born, I think we did okay. Better than okay, actually. Not once all week did my husband and I yell at each other or even attempt to drown each other on Splash Mountain. And for the most part, the 4 year old managed pretty well.

Except for this morning when I tried to drive nails through her arms and make her eat liver...Which is code for, I asked her to put her pants on. I know...I know....I'm a total bitch. If you can't enjoy The Magic Kingdom pantless....What is the point really?

However, regardless of the amount of times I've been here, I always come up with new and exciting ways that Disney could better themselves.

1. Parts of the sidewalks should be assigned as No Stopping At All. These rules should be enforced. By aircraft if necessary. It's got to be in my Top 5 pet peeves while here. People who are making good time right in front of you and then decide to stop - quite suddenly - to look at a bird or something. You end up nailing them in the ankle with your stroller, and they get pissed at you, or you swerve at the last minute and take out the old lady in the motorized scooter.

2. Each parent and Cast Member should be issued The Magical Disney Taser upon entering the park. You get 5 shots for the day, no more. These can be used for any reason you like, however, we strongly urge you to use them on other parents. Those parents would be the ones that, JUST LIKE YOU, who waited an hour to get a picture of their kid with Mickey, decide that they are going SPEND a hour with Mickey. They want to discuss their childs hopes and dreams of the future. They want to video tape the whole conversation. They want Mickey to sit down and enjoy a cup of coffee and kick back for a while....All the while my kid is foaming at the mouth to get her hands on that guy. It never seems to enter their minds that there is actually, a PERSON, inside that suit - sweating about 9 gallons of water and dying of heat stroke. Get in. Get out. There's a good chance in about 30 minutes she's going to be whining about something else anyway.

3. The taser can also be used for parents who allow their children to walk out of the house wearing questionable clothing. Accidents are going to happen, sure. For the better part of Wednesday my daughter walked around covered in chocolate ice cream - however I made sure that her butt was at least covered all day. There shouldn't be such a thing as 'ho wear' for eight year olds. I'm just saying.

All in all, a great trip. Sore and broken, we return home tomorrow - back to work and school and very cold weather from what I understand. How have ya'll been?

It's 8:30 on Tuesday morning, and I can't believe it's already Tuesday. There is really just so much to see here - and so many things that a 4 year old girl wants to do.

I picked this week to come because statistically the crowds are the best of the year, however, I've still been surprised by the crowds. I keep forgetting that it IS Disney....it's not like we're going to walk through those gates and be the only people here. Once again, my expectations were a bit high.

However, we've had a great time so far. We've had a chance to see almost every character and get some pictures - except for Cinderella. And let me assure you that if I don't find that lady before weeks end, I will burn in flames as the worst mother ever.

Some other random musings about our trip so far.

Beer from China really isn't all that good. I should have remembered that from last time. However, Beer from Germany...always good. Interesting side note that Beer from Norway is actually not from Norway, but from Denmark. (yea, we had some beers yesterday)

Shin splints suck ass.

There are still some extremely rude people....even in the happiest place on Earth.

I find it amazing how fast, just a family of three, can destroy a 2 bedroom condo. If you walked in right now, you would think we've lived here for years.

Some people just should NOT sing Karaoke....regardless of booze intake. My husband and I sat on our patio last night and listened to the festivities down by the pool and heard the worst rendition of Stairway to Heaven. Ever. No really...Ever. Not to mention...is that really a Top 10 Karaoke song?

It is impossible for us to get out of here before 9:30....So, I guess I should shut up now.

My husband and I had been going back and forth for months about a trip to Disney World. One day we were going to do it...the next we weren't. It finally came down to the fact that if we went it would be so financially irresponsible that we probably wouldn't have fun...(well...I would, but I would regret it when I got home.)

Fortunately, we didn't bring it up with her, so we didn't end up crushing a little girls dreams. I imagine that most 4 year old don't understand fiscal responsibility.

We squished the whole idea a couple of months ago. Interestingly enough - the very next day at work - a co-worker of mine was in my office discussing the plethora of Time Share points that she was going to lose by the end of the year because her husband couldn't take any more time off.

Ding. Ding. Ding.

She gave them up for free too! She is SO getting a nice gift for Christmas. Probably a very nice Goofy Sweater.

So, I've got a 2 bedroom time share a stone's throw from Epcot and we leave in T Minus 1 day 20 hours. I've been frantically trying to get everything done....Stuff at work, stuff at home, packing, cleaning and general "getting ready for a big trip" stuff.

I've experienced something in the last few days that I don't think I've ever before. I've always considered the lengths we've gone with technology have always been there to help us. Haven't we all thought "What would I have done if I hadn't had my cell phone?" when trapped on the side of a road. Or "My gosh, if I didn't have email I wouldn't' talk to half of the people I know"...and of course "If it weren't for digital cameras we would only have about 9 pictures of our kids"....

But when it comes to packing and leaving my house for a week - I find myself paralyzed with what to bring and what not to bring. I was almost hoping that the apartment wouldn't have internet capabilities, because then that would take the decision out of my hands. But no, they do. So, of course the lap top goes...

and the camera, and the cell phones, and her movie player, and his laptop, and iPods, and cords.....holy shit...what are all these CORDS for....

Wasn't there a time when I would have just thrown my jeans and some make up in a bag? Now my carry on is bigger than my suitcase - because I have a Best Buy full of crap in my bag.

And because I'm bringing the entire Army of electronic devices with me....This was my way of saying I'll try to share some stories with you while I'm gone.

And by the way - for those of you with kids - having Santa AND a trip to Disney World REALLY tips the scales around this time of year. Yesterday she stroked my face and told me I was beautiful, and then complimented my driving.

Before I go any further I want to make sure you understand that on my daughter's second birthday - she woke up and decided that she would no longer require a nap. This wasn't a discussion she had with me, she didn't even ask for my input. She just made the decision in her head, and for two years has stuck to her guns.

No matter how much I beg, plead, threaten or bribe. She didn't even nap when she was brought home from the hospital after having some major (well...major for a 4 year old) surgery.

So you can imagine my surprise when having a conversation with one of her teachers the other day - she used the words "When she got up from her nap yesterday...."

"I'm sorry, rewind, when she got up from her what now? She naps here? Not just the required by law she has to be quiet for a little while time...But honest to goodness eyes closed and dreaming of sugar plums actual sleep???"

Turns out that YES, she does occasionally sleep at school. Well....what do you know.

I was quickly given the run down on how they make this miraculous event happen.

I am happy to say that after a 4 day holiday, I got TWO, count 'em bitches, TWO NAPS!!!

On the couch, wrapped in the magic blanket, fire giving a nice soft glow (I threw that in on my own), and the holiday albums of Kenny G playing from Mommy's laptop.

This year, THAT is what I'm thankful for...that and the teacher that took pity on me and told me her secrets.

However, when I try this again, I'll need to situate myself better - I was afraid any movement would end the peace, and I got stuck in an extremely uncomfortable chair for an hour and a half.