The Mini Van Soap Box

I bite my nails. Have for about 35 years now. Well, no, I suppose that's exaggerating slightly. I doubt seriously I came out of the womb biting my nails. You want to talk about giving a new mother a complex..."How BAD was it in there!?!?"

Anyway, the good news is, I don't anymore. About five months ago I was driving around in the hot van, and was casually changing the station and was just suddenly appalled at the site of my hand. I screamed out "ARGH, STOP BITING YOUR NAILS"

And shit on a shingle. I did.

I've tried this method in a few other ways since my nail biting break through.

"Stop Eating Donuts!"

"Stop Watching Bad T.V"

"Stop Drinking Beer"

"Stop Fantasizing about Shia LaBeouf"

Apparently this yelling at yourself 1 step program only works once in a lifetime. I'm fine with that really. Personally - bad tv, beer, donuts and Shia go rather well together.

So, now I have nails. Nails I'm rather proud of. But now I'm faced with a whole new set of problems.

Now what do I do?

Apparently just GROWING them isn't all I'm required to do, like that wasn't hard enough. I have to CARE for them too! And I've never experienced this whole "damn, I just broke a nail" thing before....Let me tell you something....It's pretty horrific.

So, I dropped a whopping $36 dollars today and got a pedicure and my very first manicure. Interesting experience all around.

First they made me pick a color. Forgot about that part. Personally, I think they should divide the colors into "Over 30" and "You're Too Fucking Old For This Color", because now I'm sporting this bright pink/orange shade that I swear I just saw another girl wearing in my daughter's kindergarten class.

Then you spend the whole time trying to pretend that you aren't offended that they are probably talking about you and how much you smell, but since you don't understand the language, you just pretend you are watching CNN.

And lastly, I never knew my eyebrows were that bad. But APPARENTLY they are. She must have asked me 4,000 times to wax them. I thought the first few times it was just them trying to make a buck or two - but clearly after that many times - I MUST look like Sylar.

So, now I'm sitting here, pulling my eyebrows out, with color in my hair, because my grays don't match my nail color.