10/08/2009

My Mom Broke My Kid Stumble Upon Digg It! Add to Delicious Add to Technorati

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We had the rare opportunity to drop our daughter off this last weekend, and get out of town for a few days.  I say it's a rare opportunity because we've never done it before.

Never.

In five years.

I've gone away for a few days, and my husband does travel quite a bit - but we've never gone somewhere....at the same time. He had this business trip planned for a while - and on a whim I asked if I could drop the kid off and tag along with him.  All the stars aligned and everything worked out.  SO....plans for SEX and DEBAUCHERY were planned. Capital SEX. Capital DEBAUCHERY. After he finished work of course - he's very devoted.

14 hours before we left I started my period.

This is just the beginning folks.  Grab a cup of coffee.

We're a few hours away from home, fighting the semi's and the motorcycles on the highway, and I realize that just by habit we are keeping the car at the appropriate "we have a child" level.  I immediately turn up the tunes and call every curse word I can think of in quick succession.  My husband, of course, just looks at me oddly and asks "Why do you know all the words to EVERY Bee Gee song?"

Then he starts sniffing and coughing.  12 hours later he's in full on "cold working on bronchitis" mode.

This is where it gets REALLY good.

We've settled into the hotel, me sitting as far away from him as possible, when I notice I have a message on my cell phone.  It's my daughter "Call Me Mama!", with my mom in the background, "Ok, hang up now." The voices were calm, so I wasn't worried.  I assumed she wanted to tell me about all the fun they were having - without me.  How much cooler it was to be with her Grandparents.

Turns out there has been a bit of an "accident".  She was walking up some steps...and I don't know...FORGOT HOW TO WALK and landed on her face.  She's now missing an entire tooth. Craziness ensued.  My mother almost had a stroke. Trust me....For the first time I've ever dropped her off for a trip out of town and within six hours the FIRST ACCIDENT EVER happens ON HER WATCH...(I love you Mama)....

So, at this point I really don't even feel bad for the kid anymore, I feel bad for my Mom and worried that she's going to run out of blood pressure medication before I get home. I offer to come home, which of course, she refuses, but we're still waiting for the dentist to call to tell us what's what.

In the end, everything worked out fine. Well, I mean everything with her TOOTH turned out fine. Meaning...we'll just wait for her big girl tooth to grow in.  She just may have a hole longer than usual.

Oh, I almost forgot.  My mom also told me on my return that when she was tucking her in at night, they were saying prayers and my daughter said she wanted to die so she could meet Jesus. 

So, my Mother is returning my child missing parts AND suicidal.

My husband also gave me his cold.  Asshole.

We're going back to traveling separately.  I'll just take my vibrator.

17 comments:

Mad Woman said...

Hahahahaha!!! Funny!!

Poor kid though...that musta hurt like a sonofa....anyway.

This is why hubby and I rarely go anywhere together!

kyslp said...

After I read the first paragraph, I was thinking "I'd probably get my period". At least your vibrator won't give you a cold.

Skye said...

Oh no. Oh no. I really wish it had been April 1st when you wrote that! I am so sorry.

Badass Geek said...

Don't forget fresh batteries.

just making my way said...

Oh my god, I love you. That last line had me spitting up my Diet C...er, I mean water.

Sorry for the kiddo, and I know just what you mean about worrying about your Mom more!

And? Lurve the new look!

SmartAssMom said...

"at least your vibrator won't give you a cold" just became my new favorite phrase.

Love it.

Belle said...

I hate to laugh at your expense, but... hahahahahah. It makes for a funny story.
If it makes your mom feel any better, my boyfriend's cousin was cleaning and pushed the ottoman across the floor to sweep, just as her 3 year old daughter was jumping on to it. Boom. TWO teeth knocked out.

Belle said...

I hate to laugh at your expense, but... hahahahahah. It makes for a funny story.
If it makes your mom feel any better, my boyfriend's cousin was cleaning and pushed the ottoman across the floor to sweep, just as her 3 year old daughter was jumping on to it. Boom. TWO teeth knocked out.

Aunt Becky said...

Ben frequently tells me how he "can't wait to go see Heaven." I always choke a little inside.

mumma boo said...

I'm sorry to be laughing, but it's only because I've been there - except for the lost tooth thing. You win on that one. Hope everyone is feeling better by now! (Love the new look, too!)

Amanda of Shamelessly Sassy said...

If ever I got away, that would be my luck! haha

Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo said...

Bwaaaaaa haaaaaa haaaaaaaaa

I laugh cause I have been there.

Aunt Juicebox said...

Lots of kids go through that "meeting Jesus" thing, don't worry.

My niece had to have her two front teeth pulled when she was little, so she had a big hole for long time. It's kind of cute. lol

Rebecca said...

This is so funny and probably why I haven't left the kids for longer than fourteen seconds. They are 2 and 4. However, my 2 year old was born broken so he's more fragile than porcelain. OH well.....one day, one day.

Scary Mommy said...

Who needs a husband if you have a vibrator, anyway?

Mama Cas said...

My first visit to your blog....well worth it. I'm sorry to laugh at your pain and misery, but DAMN THAT'S FUNNY!

I hope your suicidal, toothless daughter is feeling better!

Brakes and Gas said...

Okay, I am never going to skip reading blogs for a week again. I could have laughed at this tale a whole week sooner!