The Mini Van Soap Box

So you remember last month - my husband and I were going to take our first trip just the two of us? Three days of booze and sex and cuss words? And of course, 12 hours before we left I started my period.

What followed that was also bronchitis for both of us and my kid got her teeth knocked out.  In addition, a week later she came home with lice.

It's been AWESOME.

Well! This last Wednesday I started my period and because I am my best competition. I decided to check my daughter into the local hospital with double pnemonia.

About a week and a half ago - I think, honestly I've lost all track of time - she came down with a slight fever and was complaining of headaches.  The following Sunday it was the same - and because I am the very model of Paranoid Mother, I took her to the Urgent Care to be tested for the Flu.  Both H1N1 and Seasonal Flu came back as negative, so they sent us on our way.

Monday and Tuesday were more of the same. She just wasn't great - but not awful. She's pissed that she can't go to school. Pissed that she can't play outside. Pissed because the sky is blue.  Pissed because Elmo is red.  You know the drill.

Wednesday I decided to take just ONE MORE DAY to be sure whatever it was had past, and we were sitting on the couch...and something...I don't know...Just didn't seem "right".  I asked her if anything hurt. No. I asked her if it hurt to breath.  No. No temperature. No signs of struggle really.  Just this weird fast breathing thing.

I called the pediatrician, again PARANOID MOTHER, and got her in.  The next hour played like one of my anxiety attack nightmares.  We were at the Pediatrician office for all of 20 minutes because apparently my kid was on the verge of having NO OXYGEN!  AMBULANCE! EMS GUYS! LOTS OF MACHINES!

Needless to say, we were the hit of the Ped office that day.  In fact, I think the nurse we had that day was right out of nursing school - because I think he was about to have a stroke. The doctor had to kick him out of the room because he was starting to freak ME out. And I don't need anyone to freak me out.  I do that just fine on my own.

So, now I'm in an ambulance. With my kid. And she's freaking out. And I'm trying to make small talk, but she can't talk because she's got all this shit wrapped around her head trying to give her air and the EMS guy is talking into his walkie talkie in their weird EMS code - like the stuff you see on ER.

We get wheeled into the ER. LOTS of blood was taken. THAT was fun. Snot was stolen. Swabs and X-Rays.

Oh, did I forget to mention that my husband is TWO HOURS away and can't get to me.  So, he's currently trying to break the speed of light.  And because of the Swine Flu shit - the whole hospital is on lock down and no one is allowed in the ER but parents. So, MY parents are sitting in the waiting room with their thumbs up their ass.  If there ever was a time that I needed MY Mommy...It would have been then. Asshole Swine Flu.

So, finally she's admitted. We were there for about three days.  And it sucked ass.

That's where I've been. Sitting on a plastic couch, with a crappy Wi-Fi connection watching endless hours of Sponge Bob Square Pants and listening to the hissing sounds of a breathing machine.

She's back home now. No longer pissed about the color of Elmo's skin - and happily playing at school today. I, however, have finally found some alone time to sit and write here and have my nervous break down in private.

I will give every one fair warning before I start my period in November...Because I'm sure the Eastern seaboard will fall into the ocean.

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Before I close, a couple of things.  I know I haven't been around a lot lately, I think I have a pretty good reason...Please forgive for the lack of comments on YOUR blogs. I currently have 172 posts to read in my reader. I doubt I will be able to get through all of them....

Also, a quick shout out to "J" and her Mom. We've got a couple of new readers here. Hi Ladies.