The Mini Van Soap Box

I've been battling this awesome head cold for about a week. The week before my husband had it - and I'm sure next week my daughter had it. It's the sheer joy of being a family. No germ can come home without it making it's way through everyone, and while although it sucks. - I appreciate at least this time it didn't hit my husband and I at the same time.  I could pick up the slack last week when he was being a loser - and he can pick up the slack this week when I was CURSING HIS NAME FOR GETTING ME SICK.

Seriously, there is nothing that I have not blamed him for in the last week.  Even the zit on my chin. Totally his fault. And you know what? I'm totally justified.  He was sick. He came home and, I don't know, breathed on me. He also used the same chap stick as me. So....I'm kind of putting my money on that one.

So, I'm on the upswing now - and while although not 100% better - I'm at least functioning and I got a little feisty tonight with my husband.

We are "keep a stick of butter out of the fridge" kind of people. There's always some butter that's available under cover for toast, or whatever you wish, when hard butter just won't do. Biggest issue is when you use the last of the soft butter and don't pull a new stick out. The next person has no soft butter. My husband CLAIMS he always does this. Tonight I proved he does not.  He found it very odd and quite humorous that I would keep track of the butter usage.

He compared this to my inability to turn a light off when I leave a room.

And while YES, I do have a problem with this. The difference is - I ADMIT I HAVE A PROBLEM.  I actually TRY to turn the lights off, but for some reason, I just can't do it. He actually believes he ALWAYS replaces the butter!

Do you see the difference?!?! Internet? Do you see?

Ever wanted a waffle but couldn't because all you had was cold hard butter that wouldn't melt on your processed frozen waffle product??

All I'm saying is that I admit my faults.

I can't believe I just wrote a whole post about butter.

I'm not sure when it happened, maybe six months to a year ago, but I know it wasn't my fault. I've depended on my iGoogle page for pretty much everything. It's the home page of every computer I look at during the course of the day. It has a box for my emails, my local weather, calendars, to do lists, reminders, and most importantly, my blog subscriptions.  So you can imagine how irritated I was when Google went and changed the layout. Again, I don't remember when this happened.

Everything was different. Nothing was where it was supposed to be. All of my emails were now partially open which annoyed me to no end.  If I'm not prepared to read an email - I don't want to just read the first sentence. So, I did some searching and apparently there were a group of people out there that were just like me and wanted the old way back. There was a fix. Just click on this and all of your iGoogle problems will go away.  So, I did. And it fixed it.

I didn't realize at the time that I was converting my iGoogle page to a base page in Canada. But at the time I didn't care.  My emails were where they were supposed to be - and my little boxes were all back in their rightful place.

It has, however, causeed some problems over the last year.  Being as my iGoogle page is now firmly planted in Canadian roots - every time I search for something in Google I only get Canadian results.You have any idea how long of a commute it is to get a Tree expert to come and give me an estimate on tree removal from Ontario. And I was equally frustrated to find that a website for a pediatrician that sounded great - was in Alberta.

Watching the Olympics was quite confusing...I didn't know who to root for! Who am I now? Why do I keep cheering for these people in red?!? Google is changing me from the inside out! Why do I care if they get another gold! Stop it Kerrie! Oooh! Look at the pretty red...Listen to your Google!

I tell you all of this because my Canadian iGoogle is broken. My blog subscription list hasn't "listed" anything for about 3 weeks now and I don't know what else to do - because I'm QUITE sure that y'all are still writing stuff.  So, I need someone American to fix me. Send me an American patch. I'm cutting my Canadian ties once and for all.

So, in conclusion, if I haven't posted on your blog in close to a month, it's because Canada made me do it.

So, my kid has a thing for vegetables. Yes, I know....Poor me.  I mean it's not like she WON'T eat a cookie...It's just that she would prefer a big bowl of cherry tomatoes or a green pepper with salt and pepper.  Yea, yea...I know....Poor me.

You have any idea how expensive green peppers are though - and how hard it is to find a GOOD pepper in the middle of winter in my area? This is a typical conversation before I run out of the house to pick up a few things at the store:

Me:  Honey, I'm running to the market - Do you need anything?
Him:  Oh, yea - I ran out of shaving cream. And could you pick up some coffee filters.
Me:  Sure.  Sweetie! Mommy is running to the store! Want anything special?
Her:  Yea! Green Peppers and a rutabaga! But only if the green peppers look good. No squishy peppers! If not green, then red. If not red - get yellow.

So, last summer my folks starting growing a garden in their backyard. It was great when we went over to hang out by the pool because anytime she wanted a snack we could essentially just POINT to the other end of the yard and she could yank a tomato off the vine and eat it, and then jump in the pool to wash off.  (just another reason why I hate winter and am counting the days to summer. I have to actually WASH my kid in the winter)

So, with all the picking and the eating and the washing, they were able to get her to try a few different things.  One of those things was a Jalapeno pepper.  Because that's fun y'all.  And honestly - if she's gonna get the shits - it's gonna happen at MY house...So, why not?!?

Well, she loved it.  So now every time I go to the store and have to take her with me, it's all, "Mama get me a HOLLOW PEEEENO. And I usually say no. Why? I have no idea. It just seems weird I guess.  Buying ONE jalapeno so she can have a zesty snack? Not to mention it's not going to fill her up, so 10 minutes later she's just going to ask for some bok choy anyway!

Well, this last weekend I gave in and got her one pepper. She was so excited to get home and eat it, I couldn't help but be excited as well.

We got home and I sliced it open and got the seeds out. I cut a little piece off for her to try - just to make sure it was what she remembered and not too hot.  She plopped it in her mouth like a champ and was all "Hell Yea!".  So, off she went with the rest of her jalapeno.  I threw the knife in sink walked away to the bathroom to blow my nose.

This is where it all went to shit.

About the time I finished blowing my nose - she came running back into the kitchen spitting and screaming "Wrong Pepper Mama! Wrong Pepper Mama!" and this is right about the time I started thinking what the shit is wrong with my nose-holy crap-is there actual FLAME coming out of my nose-i think i just set the bathroom on fire.

Three hours later we can only assume that the peppers at my local grocer were mislabeled and I did not buy a jalapeno, I bough a habanero and essentially tried to kill myself and my child.  We also figured out that I don't know JACK about hot peppers because I've been told BY MANY PEOPLE that it's pretty easy to tell the difference between the two.

My daughter isn't mad.  In fact, after the whole thing was over, she looked at me quite casually and said "So....we shouldn't buy peppers anymore. Just eat them at Grand mommy's."

Good idea Kid.  Let THEM burn your face off.


Update:  I'm not entirely convinced it was a habanero. I've looked at pictures on the internet and they don't look ANYTHING alike. I'm thinking it might have been a Thai Pepper.   It still makes me an idiot...but they look much more a like.

You know that phrase "one-two punch"? We're well past that. We've been punched repeatedly and left bleeding in the ring - except we don't have one of those guys like Rocky did with a glass of water and razor blade to cut our eye open so we can see again.

According to people smarter than me - we've had more snow this winter season than any winter season on record. Apparently they have been keeping records for 126 years...so technically NO ONE ALIVE has ever seen this much snow in this area. Isn't that FASCINATING? Yea, I don't think it is either. Additionally to a 126 year record breaking snow fall - we also have had more snow this winter than places that are supposed to get a lot of snow. Like Chicago. Or Minneapolis. And FARGO NORTH DAKOTA. You know what? That's why I don't live there. I didn't see that movie Fargo...but I know two things. They talk a little funny...and there was snow. A lot of it.

So, two weeks ago it started with a sick kid. And not the kind you can, you know, like FIX with drugs and stuff. It's that stupid word viral. Which in non-doctor terms means "Sucks To Be You Mom". So, she was home for almost the entire week.  Then we got five feet of snow dropped on top of us in two serperate installments which essentially shut the entire state down for another week and a half.

We lost power for almost an entire day. That was fun too. I'll tell you what...I could never be Amish. Neither could my kid. I thought her head was going to explode. I had fun explaining to her that back in the OLDEN days...There WAS no Wii.  She actually feels sorry for her Grandparents. The horrible lives they must have lived....walking uphill to school both ways, holding a Wii controller in their hand, but nothing to use it on.

So, eventually you make it out of your house - if for nothing else but to restock on beer, frozen dinners and juice boxes and that's when you get thrown in jail for cramming a snow shovel up someones ass.  I'm no expert by any means - and when Town Official People tell me to stay off the roads or else I may die, I listen - however I know the general rule of driving in the snow if I have to.

First.  Get the snow off your car. I love it when huge shards of ice and crap come flying at my windshield. It's like a video game.  jerk wad.

Second. Don't slam on the brakes when you are on an incline...Especially if I'm behind you. douche bag.

Third. Driving like Ms. Daisy is not necessarily making you safer than everyone else...It's actually pissing everyone off because now we can't get any traction. asshole.

The slow process of digging out has begun and I'm sure in a few weeks when the slow thaw begins I'll start bitching about the water damage in the basement.  Woot!


***********************************************
Update:  Apparently the guy that cuts your eye open is called a Cutman. A bit on the nose don't you think.

Update 2:  I thought that the Cutman from Rocky was Burgess Meredith...(that old guy from Grumpy Old Men) but it wasn't. I think that movie would have been much better if Burgess Meredith had slashed his eye open.

Update 3: I have no idea why I'm talking about this - I actually hate that movie. But not Burgess Meredith. He could call me if he wanted to.

Update 4:  Shit. Nevermind. He's dead. That phone call would scare the crap out of me.

We have had an uncivilized amount of snow this winter. I mean, truly, I don't think that snow is one of the 10 plagues...(because really, that's kind of a stupid plague) but I'm calling SNOW PLAGUE NUMBER 11. You know WHY? Because you get stuck. In your house. With your family. And there really is only so many times you can play Candy Land until you start bleeding from your eyes. And bleeding from your eyes ranks right up there with frogs and festering boils.

Additionally, snow is wet. It makes everything around it wet. For a long time. And when the snow keeps coming and coming and coming - it never melts. (I know, I'm a freaking genius right?) Now, it's not like anything round these parts is green and pretty around this time of year - but the wet and the moist just makes it worse. The grass and shrubs just aren't brown and dead, they are brown and dead and squishy.

Except for my neighbor. Somehow all of her snow melts. And somehow her grass is green. Like REALLY green. Lush and blooming. It's unnatural. Also, her car never seems to have that constant white film on it from all the salt and crap from the roads. Witch! Dark Magic! I'm positive she's got some serious dark mojo incense burning in her basement - which I BET doesn't have a mildew or musty smell to it!

In completely unrelated news - I got a nasty gram that I haven't' posted in like two weeks. It wasn't really nasty at all really - it was more of a "dude, where are you?" - and I was all "Oh, shit has it really been two weeks!?" You would think by being locked inside my house for the last month with no where to go I would time to sit and write something. But the truth is - when you are locked in your house nothing really funny happens. And I don't think y'all want to hear about my bleeding eyes or endless games of 'Guess Who'.


I did spend a lot of time of Haiti Relief. See?

That's a lot of toothbrushes y'all. Lots of people from my office and my church pitched in and we donated to a missionary group that was setting sail for Haiti at the end of January. Felt good to contribute SOMETHING since I'm broke.

But probably the most exciting news is that LOST is back on. There is much rejoicing in my house. Well, except for the five year old. I try to explain it to her - but alternate time lines seem to leave her cold and she phases out after about five minutes and she just starts mumbling "Candy Land" over and over again.


I wonder if the Witch could explain it to her.