The Mini Van Soap Box

A while ago, Meg from Mind of a Mad Woman, tagged me. And by a while ago - I mean a while ago. I would like to say it took me this long to get to it because I had important things to do. IMPORTANT THINGS, I say. But, in truth, I didn't. I just didn't do it. I'm a horrible horrible blog friend. I probably won't send her a birthday card either. I'm going to R.S.V.P to her barbecue and then not come. I'm going to tell her blog layout looks great, when in fact it makes her blog look fat.

See? Horrible Horrible blog friend.

Regardless, here goes.
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1) What is your favorite food?

Currently my favorite food is everything that I can not have. I stole a, (a, one, singular, uno) Pringle from my daughter last night and thought that my tongue was going to have an orgasm. For a brief moment I was tempted to smother her with a couch pillow, steal the rest of her chips and run from the room before my husband could stop me….from, you know, killing my daughter over a chip.

2) What is your favorite color?

European Unladen Swallow….(points for anyone who knows what the hell I’m talking about)

3) Hair –

Um…Yes?

I’m not entirely sure what this is. Is someone asking me about my favorite hair? Or if, in fact, I have hair. Or if I do, in fact, have hair, what color it is? I’m very confused by this question. So, I suppose I’ll answer all of that. Yes, I have hair. I have a lot of it, as a matter of fact. I have hair in places where I don’t want hair. I am paying someone a couple thousand dollars to get rid of that hair. I’ll let you know how that goes. Oh, and the hair, all of it, is brown. Except when it’s gray.

4) Recent DVD watched –

P.S. I Love You.

Not good. Don’t do it. I warned you.

5) Guilty Pleasure TV Show –

Yikes. I think it would probably be easier to tell you what Guilty Pleasure TV Show I don’t watch. Yes, that would be MUCH easier. I’ll let you know when I can actually come up with one.

Oh! I don’t watch Meerkat Manor. Pretty much everything else is fair game. Sadly, I’m sure if I tuned into just one of those meerkat shows I would start a season pass. I’m that sick.

6) If I was a tree, what kind of tree would I be?

Again, who came up with these questions? I would be a tree with brown and gray hair holding a Tivo remote, bitch slapping small children with my heavy limbs so I can steal their calorie filled treats?

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And no, your blog does not make you look fat. It's rather flattering.

In honor of Harvey Korman.
Harvey Korman
February 1927 - May 2008

I loved the Carol Burnett show. Tim, Carol, Harvey and that other lady who I can't remember the name of. My most favorite shows were the ones where the actors themselves couldn't stop laughing. I saw a behind the scenes once with the whole crew, years after the show was over, and Carol said that Tim's favorite thing to do was to get Harvey to break character.

As seen in this footage.

With the exception of one year that I wanted to "be on my own" - I have always lived in, or around, this town. In 1979, when we first moved here from Texas, it was a very small town. One traffic light and the local High's on the street corner, where my friend and I would buy Slim Jim's and Grape Nehi on Saturday mornings.

Things have changed a great deal over the last 30 years. We certainly have a lot more than just one traffic light, and the annual summer festival now entertains close to 90,000 people each year. Part of me misses the small town feel, however, I've enjoyed watching the town grow - and it certainly does offer more options.

Personally, I think there is a value in living in the same place for the majority of your life.

Unfortunately, there is a major down fall. You never really get the the option to "start fresh". And I've learned that some people have very long memories.

Try to remember just a handful of all the stupid things you have done in the last 30 years. Embarrassing, right? Now realize that you are NOT the only one that remembers all those things. And God forbid an old high school friend of yours gets married....and the people you did all those stupid things in front of are there.

And they want to rehash the "good ol' days".

"Oh My Gosh Kerrie!! Do you remember when you were the lead in the Spring Musical and your character was supposed to have a flat chest? Do you remember having to wrap your big melons in ace bandages to make them seem smaller?"

"Hey Kerrie - Do you still wear two socks on each foot because you think your ankles are too skinny?"

"hahahhaa - Hey do you remember when you drank half a bottle of Jack at the cast party and threw up on my water bed?"

"Remember how you were such a freakin' drama queen and you flipped out in the middle of rehearsal and called our teacher a bitch and stormed out?"

Good times ... good times.

Yes, I remember all those things. I have thought from time to time that I would like to go to my 20 year reunion just to show people that I'm not a basket case anymore. However, I see most of those people at the festival, so I can probably save the $100 bucks on the new dress.

For the record I don't double up my socks anymore - I enjoy the fact that any part of my body is skinny.

I certainly don't wrap my boobs in ace bandages - but rather revel in their size. It's hoping that people will pay attention to those and not the size of my ever expanding stomach.

In addition - I hate Jack Daniels. But I think the above mentioned vomit episode is the reason behind that.

Most importantly though, my drama teacher never liked me.

I suppose for the most part, I've ignored them. There have been little indications here and there over the last 4 or 5 years - but there always seemed to be a rational way of brushing them off.

A gray hair here. A little wider there.

Unfortunately, it's painfully clear - I'm getting older, and there isn't a damn thing I can do about.

Sure, I can color the gray hair. I can work out and eat right - but it's the MIND of the older person that is surprising me.

I'm starting to TALK like an older person - I'm starting to THINK like an older person. When did this happen?? Maybe when I had my daughter, the change started. Maybe the change is so gradual, that you barely notice until the transformation is complete.

While part of my brain would still like to believe that I'm at least a little bit hip....the simple truth is that I am not. I have absolutely NO idea what channel MTV is - and even if I found it - I would have no idea what the hell they were talking about. I have no earthly clue why it's apparently so cool to have your pants hanging down around your knees. And I really couldn't care less who Jessica Simpson is dating or why Britney Spears doesn't wear underwear.

Lately I've found myself saying:

"Crazy Kid Drivers!"

"Holy Shit - Did you know how much sodium is in this??"

However, the most painful sign of them all was last Tuesday, while trying to buy a pair of shoes for a friends wedding.

There was a time, in the not so distant past, that I could walk around all day in a sexy pair of 3 inch heels, and then dance the night away in the same pair. Apparently no more.

I looked like Bambi trying to walk for the very first time. I found myself muttering to other patrons - "when did stiletto's come back into style" "Can ANYONE walk in these things?"

"What asshole Italian designed this shoe? Does he hate feet or just women?"

I ended up buying a pair of sensible Anne Klein low heel pumps. I'll probably still be in traction for days.

Speaking of signs...

You ever see those street signs that say "SLOW : Children At Play"? I was driving to the gym the other day and saw one of those...However, all it said was "SLOW CHILDREN". No graphic. No punctuation. Just "SLOW CHILDREN", all in caps.

I got this image of every child in the neighborhood was stuck in some space time continuum, walking around in slow motion. Or a place where all the happiness had been sucked out of the air and children walked around all day just looking at their feet.

Yea, these are the things I think about....

I had an entirely different post ready to go up - but I decided to save it for another day so I could throw my two cents in on something else. At the risk of alienating some readers - and probably being one of 4 million people who are going to be blogging about this today....I'll keep this short.

I tivo American Idol. I've been, for the most part, a faithful watcher since the beginning. However, over the last few years, the fast forward button on my clicker has gotten more abuse than usual.

What is, and should be, a competition for the best singer/performer - has turned into hours of blatant, over the top product placement and general pimping of - cars, wireless service, beverages, Itunes and horrible movies that no one would ever go see (Seriously - The Love Guru??)

My husband actually asked me yesterday..."Why do you tivo the whole thing - and then fast forward through most of the show? Why not just read EW.com tomorrow and see what happened".

A fair question - mostly because I DO fast forward through most of it. But I'm actually still interested in who performed and HOW they performed, and with the exception of Paula, what the judges had to say. I like to make an informed decision on who I think should be the American Idol.

By the time the show got to the final 12 you could almost already tell who was going to win. The judges and producers were clearing pushing for Young David (17 yrs old), even going as far as praising a "wonderful performance" when he forgot and botched lyrics. Throw on top of the fact all the teeny boppers in the country voting for this kid every week...He was a shoo in for the finale.

I was very pleased to see Not So Young David make the finale as well. Personally, he was my choice all along - and no doubt an album or download that I will buy.

Color me very surprised when the Not So Young David actually won. Very rarely do my choices actually win. He was surprised as well....he was also overwhelmed, honored and gracious. Bastard made me cry over American Idol.

Both are onto great careers, that I can be sure of. Young David has some work to do - getting a bit more comfortable with the stage and himself, (and possibly emancipating himself from his father) but will no doubt be picked up by someone (if not already). Not to mention, I don't think that kid is going to have ANY problems finding a date for prom next year.

I have the rest of the year off. American Idol does not come back again until January of 2009. I can only hope that the drop in ratings that they had this year, apparently due to everyone doing what I do and recording to watch later, will teach the Powers That Be that the viewing public isn't as stupid as they think we are.

And do me a favor - if you plan on seeing The Love Guru....let me know how long it took for your eyes to start bleeding.