I hesitated in asking this person to guest write for me while I was out. I felt bad at first, thinking that this isn't exactly what he "does". I felt like I would be taking advantage of our relationship, so he would feel obliged to say "yes". However, even though I felt bad about all those things...I still asked him. I'm 95 percent sure he said yes to writing in my absence because of his undying love for me....But there is a 5 percent chance that he did it because I could write vicious lies about him on my blog...and tell everyone that he's a democrat. So, I'm sure he's probably just saving his own ass. So, with out further delay....My Father.

As the Editor-In-Chief of Funn-E-Stuff.com (also known as the Big Kahuna), I have been asked by Kerrie to be a guest writer on her blog while she is away, soaking up the sun and sand at some tropical paradise. While as a fellow blogger I might just say, “bite me” … as her Father I am obliged to help as best I can.

What seems appropriate would be to tell you all some story from her early years, prior to husband and spawn … something prior to her coming of age and responsibility … but I decided to go back much farther in time. In fact, she may not have yet been born when this story took place.

In a land far away and a time beyond remembrance, Kerrie’s mother did something very wonderful (who remembers) for her next-door neighbor.Because the neighbor’s dogs had just delivered an enormous litter of puppies, Kerrie’s mother was given “the pick of the litter.”

Sensible people might have said something like, “Oh, I couldn’t possibly take one of your prized puppies,” but no … not Kerrie’s Mom. Without hesitation she pointed at the best of the lot and said, “I want him.”

Thus we (yes, as Kerrie’s father, I am included in ‘we’) became the proud owners of a German Shorthaired Pointer. We were already the servants of a Siamese Cat that was in charge of our side of the duplex, and now we added a dog. Being the man of the family I was only too proud to see a male dog … Man ! Dog ! Yes! …

While we lived in a usually warm climate it was particularly cold when Buckwheat came to live with us and he needed to be inside the house.Since we had a daughter under 4, we still had a portable “play pen” that seemed to be the perfect place for Buckwheat to hang during the days until he learned to have his bodily functions outdoors.

One day I walked into the room with the puppy to find the cat walking the edge of the play pen (as only a cat could do on a rail not more than a ¼” wide). I watched the cat circle, tormenting the poor puppy below watching. Then she gently dropped to the floor of the pen and proceeded to bat the ears of this puppy, bite and scratch him. Believing that all animals understand us when we speak to them in human terms, I leaned over the side of the pen and spoke to the cat, “You need to understand that this dog is now a puppy. In a few months he will be 10 times larger than you and 20 times stronger.

I actually believe that the cat looked at me and gave me the “cat bird.”

Now we advance in time … maybe six months. The local Vet has said that ours will probably be the largest German Shorthaired Pointer he has ever seen. This dog has consumed a two quart bowl of leftovers in no less than 3.2 seconds (an Olympic record?). He has eaten the rubber coverings over the outside telephone connections. He is a great pet, a superior looking dog and a pure eating machine.

Now we come to the day that the cat, her royal highness, is laying on the back patio … as royal cats do … in the royal curl (you cat people understand what I’m saying) with her head up and her eyes closed, so that we can all worship and admire … when the dog walks in.

Buckwheat is now a full grown dog … and as dumb as it is possible for a dog to be … totally lovable … certainly a man’s dog. I stood there in the doorway, watching and somehow knowing what would happen. The thoughts of my warning to the cat came back to me …

The dog calmly walked over to the cat and took her head into his large mouth.

“OMG … He’ll eat anything … he’s going to eat the cat!” I yelled.

Buckwheat raised up and then shook his head from side to side … almost leasurily while the cat hung limply. Then he set the cat down quite gingerly, opened his mouth and released her … and I swear … looked up at me and laughed.

After the dog walked away, the cat sat calmly and somewhat regally for about 15 minutes … wiping dog slobber off of her face. She refused to look at me and admit that I had warned her that … some day … this would happen.


Sandy said...

Way to go, Big Kahuna!! Very entertaining story. Who knew that there is yet another connection between long ago family stories and the colonial farm crops!

Ms Picket To You said...

Where to begin?

First, um: can you be my dad? Is that weird? You had me at "bite me."

Second: so much of Minivan/Kerrie makes more sense to me now.

Thirdly: Cats remind me a lot of 8 year old girl children. Puppies? 4 year old boys.

-B said...

OMG, I literally Laughed Out Loud. The children came running to see what was the matter. That was awesome.