The Mini Van Soap Box

I really don't enough to write a whole post - or rather have so many small things running around my head that I can't compose ONE post about ONE thing. So, here are just a few of the things that I've had bouncing around.

My daughter loves Blues Clues....one of her favorite episodes is when Steve goes to college. She'll walk around the house and inform me that she's going to college...tomorrow. Yesterday in the car we had this small chat:

Her: Mama, I'm going to go to college.
Me: I certainly hope so.
Her: When I go to college I'm going to be a Mama
Me: Over my dead body
Her: Can I go to College and be a Daddy?
Me: You'll need to get a job pretty soon - Daddy and I can't afford college and surgery
Her: Mama is so silly

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The verdict is in....The thing growing in my backyard is, in fact, a big ass mutant hibiscus.




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Our Cicada Killing Wasps are back. While sitting on the patio the other night enjoying the summer air - and these horrid things were dive bombing my head - in a moment of panic I told my husband that I would give him $20 dollars if he would JUST KILL THE DAMN THING.

Always ready to protect his wife and child (and the idea of my money in his pocket) away he went with the broom.

His total is now somewhere around 6 of them (they don't die easily). I took the bet off the table when our preschool payment was in jeopardy.

In the beginning, there only seemed to be about three of them - our theory is that since he killed one of them - the others are pissed and are now gunning for him. They peck at the glass while we're watching tv.

I may never go outside again.
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I really don't want Lisa to be the Next Food Network Star.

If you've been following along, and seriously what else could you possibly be doing with your time, you know that I had pulled my daughter out of school - and put her in a private preschool.

All in all it's been fantastic!

Yesterday was her first 'field trip'. Big plans to go to the local petting zoo, ride the hay ride, see a really big ass turtle and possibly contract E Coli. Big Day - Big Day!

Now, me being a rookie 'field trip' Mom, I followed all the rules, checked and re-checked my 'to-do' list and went to sleep knowing that my daughter would embark on an adventure of a life time - simply because I'm a Rock Star Mom who allows her daughter to ride a bus and play with goat poop.

At about 10:00 the next morning I was informed that the field trip had been postponed until the following day because of rain AND that my daughter was not allowed to have her packed lunch.

Again, me being the rookie Mom.....it didn't even dawn on me that I can't send my kid to school with a peanut butter sandwich.

To make matters worse - I had even put little peanut butter cookies in her lunch box as well.

I might as well have lathered her hair in peanut oil and instructed her to lick everyone.

The staff was very understanding and sweet about my slight oversight (or my attempt to kill off half of the children at the school) and gave me an extra copy of the "School Guidelines" pamphlet.

I think I'll send her to school next week with a 12 pack of Miller Lite and some Lucky Strikes.

I mentioned in an earlier post that we had a retirement party for our Pastor...and since we collectively decided that just closing the doors of the church was a bad idea...We have something big going on with another local church.

Anyway, that being said - Sunday was the first day of a guest Pastor - so I went. For support. To check her out. But also because I promised I would.

I left my heathen husband and 'too young to have an opinion about a higher power' spawn at home.

I was gone from the house for about two hours I guess.

And I came home to THIS!!!










You see? Great things happen when you go to church! Your spouse will buy you a far too expensive gaming console with blue ray! Oh Happy Day!

You see, I'm not much of a 'girly girl'. I don't like bees, but I have no problem jabbing a hook up a worms ass. I had no idea what a Manolo Blahnik was (or how to spell it apparently) until I read it in another blog. I love football, hockey, a six pack and video games.

With the addition of my new PS3 - I do believe that my honorary penis grew a little.

Today's post is for a few reasons.

One - A very odd thing happened trying to get into my office this morning.
Two - I wanted to have something other than crotch grabbing as the top story.

It was a typical Thursday morning in my house. Alarm goes off at 6:00, and I rush to get ready and have some alone time before the little one crashes into the bathroom and tries to paint the walls with my eye shadow and test the absorbency of Tampax tampons by putting them in the toilet.

Off to school - on time I might add - and while although there does appear to be a disagreement with what 'special' activity they are having at school today (water play vs. NO water play), she's there - settled and happy. Off I go - still on time - to work.

Leaving my daughter at school wearing a bathing suit, apparently for no reason at all.

So, I swing by Safeway for a bagel and coffee - still on time.

I pull into the parking lot of my building - still on time.

And see this.


I'm pretty damn sure that's a Vulture. Just walking around my building complex. PECKING at office doors.

I really don't know what to do with this information. It seems to ME, that a Vulture, chillin' in the vestibule is strange. Regardless, I felt it necessary to test fate and see how close I could get - and have a bit of a photo shoot with the random Vulture.

Hence, I was NOT on time for work.

Well...What do you know? I've found myself with a few moments to sit down and write something.

And I have absolutely nothing to say. Yea, Yea - I know....My husband is probably choking on his coffee right now.

I had a great weekend with family, that included a retirement celebration for our Pastor of 18 years. Lots of family members got up and spoke and/or sang, which was great. Probably one of the coolest things - was that my sister came into town for it and brought her youngest daughter.....which allowed ME to unload MY daughter on her for 2 whole days. Sweet! (we paid her afterwards....make the guilt less)

I drank my daughters weight in beer. (you guys are going to start thinking I'm a boozer....We just have a lot of reasons to drink. Family comes into town, Birthdays Parties, Tuesdays)

I disagreed with my mother on something pretty big, and she didn't throw anything at me.

I attempted to illustrate to my sister what Mick Fleetwood looked like 15 years ago, at the final concert, when he had electronic drums built INTO his suit...and essentially played his body. It did not translate well.

My mother and I tried to sing Gold Dust Woman...and STILL have no idea what the hell the words are.

I grabbed my sisters crotch. While she was driving. Apparently pretty hard. (I may explain this story one day - but for now - I think that's enough)

My weekend in a nutshell.

Pretty typical right? No? Really? What did YOU do this weekend?