So I sat down tonight to watch The Amazing Race, and as usual it's running late because 60 minutes is running late, because some football ran into overtime. I'm very used to this. Any 8:00 primetime slot on a Sunday always runs the risk of getting pushed back a little because of football. I typically don't have a problem with this because it's usually only about 15 to 20 minutes that I have to wait.
Tonight it was an hour and 15 minutes. And it wasn't even a football game I gave a crap about.
Here is the problem. I'm not allowed to watch the news. But it's hard to set the tivo up for "whenever 60 minutes MIGHT end", so I ended up just watching it so I would be there when my show started. And of course they ended up doing a whole thing on H1N1. Like I wasn't already convinced that this damn Swine Flu was going to kill us already - now I have to watch the experts tell me it's going to kill us.
It was a fairly fatalistic segment - Sweet 16 year old boy, perfectly healthy, now on a ventilator in ICU - bottom line was GET THE H1N1 VACCINE. No need to tell me twice! I hear you! I've recently been told by my doctor that I have a compromised immune system because of asthma - so I even fall into the category of the folks that REALLY should get this vaccine! They even provided this handy website to go to find out where and when the vaccines will be!
Awesome! While waiting for my guilty pleasure show - I'll go check it out! The POWERS of the internet! My health right at my fingertips!
Easy enough...Click on your state...Click H1N1...and it'll tell you where to go and when.
Click on MY state...."PAGE NOT FOUND"
Assholes.
So, what about y'all? Are you going to get the vaccine WHEN it becomes available? Or are you going to take your chances?
(if you are interested - go here - it's actually a well put together site - http://www.flu.gov/)
My husband is from Pennsylvania. I actually wouldn't say he's from Pennsylvania - but he was born there. In a small town.
Like SMALL. Like - take a left at the big stump, pass the burnt down outhouse, drive down the gravel road until you see the green tractor - kind of small. Throw a rock in this town, and you'll hit another rock.
He moved around a lot, but spent the majority of his life where we are now. Lucky for him, I say. But a good portion of his family stayed there. The part of the family we don't see all that often to tell you the truth. Nothing against them really - but traveling the Pennsylvania Turnpike is a lot like playing Russian Roulette.
However, about a year before we were married his Grandmother was gettin' on, and the end was getting near - and she decided she wanted to meet me before she died. Strange death bed request to make - I KNOW - but it was certainly a request we were willing to fulfill.
We took off in the snow and headed out to my Husbands No Name Small Birth Town to see his Grandmother. We eventually landed at the Ramada Inn, Formerly The Holiday Inn, Formerly The Route 14 Hotel. We know it was all these things because the remnants of the last three owners were still all over the hotel. The sign said Ramada, the keys said Holiday Inn, but all the linens were prison stamped with Route 14. It was an interesting hotel to say the least.
We open the door to our room which I can only describe as 90 feet long - but only 11 feet wide. The only things IN the room were a bed, the tv and a FULL SIZE refrigerator. I'm not even kidding you. This seemed to us like something you would want to highlight in your brochure - but this dual personality hotel didn't have a brochure. So, it was like a neat surprise for unsuspecting guests. "Hey! If I knew I could have brought everything from the kitchen I would have!!"
Perplexed by the size of the fridge - but determined to use the fridge - we set out for some dinner, and maybe a 7-11 to grab some beers for the room.
We grab some dinner at a local pub and as we were paying the check, I asked the waitress where I could pick up some beer. She responded "I'll get one for ya"
I explained to her that I didn't want another beer HERE, but we wanted them back at our room.
She kept telling me she understood and that SHE WOULD GET IT.
It took me a good 10 minutes to figure out that in PA, you don't GO to 7-11 to buy beer. You go to a BAR to buy beer. And GET IT TO GO. Seriously y'all - she gave me a six pack in a To-Go bag.
The idea still boggles my mind to tell you the truth. The whole time we were there I did not see one 7-11.
I appreciate the fact that my daughter is being raised in a town with 24 hour Slurpee access.
We had the rare opportunity to drop our daughter off this last weekend, and get out of town for a few days. I say it's a rare opportunity because we've never done it before.
Never.
In five years.
I've gone away for a few days, and my husband does travel quite a bit - but we've never gone somewhere....at the same time. He had this business trip planned for a while - and on a whim I asked if I could drop the kid off and tag along with him. All the stars aligned and everything worked out. SO....plans for SEX and DEBAUCHERY were planned. Capital SEX. Capital DEBAUCHERY. After he finished work of course - he's very devoted.
14 hours before we left I started my period.
This is just the beginning folks. Grab a cup of coffee.
We're a few hours away from home, fighting the semi's and the motorcycles on the highway, and I realize that just by habit we are keeping the car at the appropriate "we have a child" level. I immediately turn up the tunes and call every curse word I can think of in quick succession. My husband, of course, just looks at me oddly and asks "Why do you know all the words to EVERY Bee Gee song?"
Then he starts sniffing and coughing. 12 hours later he's in full on "cold working on bronchitis" mode.
This is where it gets REALLY good.
We've settled into the hotel, me sitting as far away from him as possible, when I notice I have a message on my cell phone. It's my daughter "Call Me Mama!", with my mom in the background, "Ok, hang up now." The voices were calm, so I wasn't worried. I assumed she wanted to tell me about all the fun they were having - without me. How much cooler it was to be with her Grandparents.
Turns out there has been a bit of an "accident". She was walking up some steps...and I don't know...FORGOT HOW TO WALK and landed on her face. She's now missing an entire tooth. Craziness ensued. My mother almost had a stroke. Trust me....For the first time I've ever dropped her off for a trip out of town and within six hours the FIRST ACCIDENT EVER happens ON HER WATCH...(I love you Mama)....
So, at this point I really don't even feel bad for the kid anymore, I feel bad for my Mom and worried that she's going to run out of blood pressure medication before I get home. I offer to come home, which of course, she refuses, but we're still waiting for the dentist to call to tell us what's what.
In the end, everything worked out fine. Well, I mean everything with her TOOTH turned out fine. Meaning...we'll just wait for her big girl tooth to grow in. She just may have a hole longer than usual.
Oh, I almost forgot. My mom also told me on my return that when she was tucking her in at night, they were saying prayers and my daughter said she wanted to die so she could meet Jesus.
So, my Mother is returning my child missing parts AND suicidal.
My husband also gave me his cold. Asshole.
We're going back to traveling separately. I'll just take my vibrator.
There's probably nothing that irritates me more than being wrong. That's not to say I can't be wrong - it's been known to happen from time to time. However, when you are so convinced that you are RIGHT, to only be proven that you are very very wrong...well, that just sucks.
It makes it worse when it was your mother that kept telling you were wrong - and you didn't believe her.
Obviously this has happened quite a few times in my life.
Like that boy that she told me I shouldn't date. I, of course, told her that he was misunderstood and really a fine upstanding gentlemen....Until the cops showed up at my folks house looking for him.
Or the time she told me to stop reading the internet while pregnant. Yea, I didn't listen to that advice either...and I'm pretty sure that's why I'm in therapy now.
And for the last few years she's been telling me that I may as well just drink a bottle of rat poisen for all the Diet Coke I consume on a daily basis.
Yea, I didn't listen to that either.
Some of you may know Aunt Becky. Over the last few months she's been having these really bad migraines - and her doctors put her on some of the same medications that I'm on for my migraines. Turns out when she started taking it - She totally lost her taste for Diet Coke. To people like us, this is devastating. So I'm reading through her comments and got a pretty good impression that there are A LOT of people out there that feel the same as my Mom. Aspartame is Poison! Diet Coke was sent from the Devil!
Since physical therapy doesn't seem to be working as effectively as I would like, and seeing as I'm running out of doctors AND ideas....I thought "what the hell!"
I'm day five Diet Coke Free....and damnit if I don't actually feel a little better.
Let me stress a little.
I'm not ready to throw my meds out the door - or change my blog name to Soda is for Sissies.....but still.
I told my mom yesterday about my progress....You know what she said?
"You mean what I'VE been telling you for 2 years didn't convince you...but comments from people you've never met on a blog did?"
Well...................yea.
Enough about the inner workings of my brain.....
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I dropped my daughter off earlier this week for school, and the plan for that day was a field trip to the local farm. Hugs and kisses goodbye - and before I left I asked her ...
"Ok, now remember, you've got a field trip today. What's the NUMBER 1 rule?"*************************
"Stay with the teacher!!"
"That's right baby. Good job. Always stay with the group. Don't wander off."
"And don't give candy to strangers!"
For the better part of 9 years, the living room is mine on Thursday nights. I've never missed a season of Survivor, and there's usually always something right after it that I watch as well. This year, the Thursday line up is murder and I've got almost every DVR in the house set to MY specifications. My husband, loving me as he does, left me alone and went upstairs to watch tv in the bedroom and left me to scream at the tv in private. He came back down about 30 minutes later.
"I'm going to bed"
"Honey, it's like 8:45...You okay?"
"Um, yea. But I can't watch ANYTHING ANYWHERE because every Tivo is recording your crap"
"You could sit with me and watch Survivor..."
"I would rather sit in the dark and wait until I'm tired...."
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I was tossing and turning last night and hanging out with my brain for a while - when the MOST BRILLIANT IDEA came to me. We should have GPS for kids! Like the ones we have for dogs...But, you know, for kids. I worked the whole thing out in my head. Not only is it a brilliant idea, and going to make me FEEL better...but I'm going to be a freakin' MILLIONAIRE. And as a bajillionaire I can afford a troop of therapists! So, I googled it this morning. Shit already exists. This is what happens when you aren't allowed to watch the news. What else has been invented that I haven't heard of? Are you people jet packing to work and not telling me?
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Spiders are attacking our house. They are everywhere. I'm trying to give my daughter a healthy outlook on bugs....But I'm finding it difficult when every morning I have to swing my purse in front of me to make sure I'm not walking through a human sized web. My husband went out to kill some the other day and I asked him if he killed the one with the 'yellow back'. Apparently he didn't examine each one before murdering them. I've asked him to take notes next time. I would like confirmation that THAT one is dead. He's got his eyes on me.
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