The Mini Van Soap Box

Addiction is a real thing. Some people have a more addictive personality than others, while others have such a strong will that they think that addiction of any kind is not real – or just a sign of weakness.

Be whatever your particular addiction is: chances are it’s very real. Sex, Booze, Cigarettes, Gambling….are just a few to name.

Just in a quick search online I found “anonymous” groups for : Vulgarity, Narcotics, Emotions, Debtors, Alcoholics, Overeaters…and even Cat Addicts.

I will be the first to admit I have addictions. I am a smoker, a drinker and a day without Diet Coke is a day without sunshine. However, in defense of myself I WAS able to stop all those things the day I even THOUGHT about becoming pregnant. It’s important for me to explain – mostly because I at least know I CAN stop. I just choose not to at this point.

All of the above is the lead in to today’s post.

My new addiction.

I believe that I (as well as my older sister…sorry…I’m outing you) are the PERFECT demographic for infomercials. WE are the reason people make them. This weakness that we have allows us to sit on our couch and think to ourselves “Yes, I HAVE been wishing I had some way of making pasta is a round clear tube in only 6 seconds. Thank God I saw this commercial!”

I have over the years ordered a NUMBER of things on TV. I have the magic bullet, the ab- lounger, some vacuum thing, Turbo Jam workout routine, Oxy Clean products, that Tupperware swivel thing…and yes, I even at one time ordered the Richard Simmons Dancing to the Oldies. That is probably a very short list of all the things that have graced the shelves of my home, collecting dust over the years.

So, like I said – my new addiction.

Yahoo Games Online

The Setup:

Yahoo Online Games lets you peruse the games that they offer online. If you decide you would like to check one out – you just download the trial version. It allows you to play the game for an hour. Once the hour is up, the game will end quite abruptly and asks you “you’ve played for an hour – would you like to purchase this game”

The Game:

Imagine yourself a lowly shop owner. The most famous chocolate maker in the world has asked that you help her in her shop. Apparently her family’s world famous chocolate recipes have been scattered across the globe because of a family feud. You are tasked with making chocolates, selling them – and traveling the world in search of all the famous recipes. Along the way you will see distant and exotic lands, shop is open air markets for the special ingrediats you need and meet interesting people.

The Scam:

If you choose to take the “tutorial” just to understand HOW to play – that alone takes about 30 minutes, which only leaves you about 30 minutes of “free” play until the screen goes black. And I’ll be damned if I’m going to stop playing before I’ve gotten the recipe for the Limited Series Milk Chocolate Blended Trinidad Raspberry Truffles. Not to mention the port to Hong Kong and Sydney hasn’t even become available to me because I’m still just a novice chocolatier.

And don’t even get me started on the damn cross pollinating problem that I’m having trying to find the last two “magic plants”.

They say that admitting you have a problem is the first step.

I'm officially a 'real' website.

You can google 'minivan soapbox' - - and my little website is the first on the list.

Go forth and google.

This last weekend - the husband and I were both pretty just "out of it". We've spent about two weeks now of weird sleeping patterns due to the spawns desire to watch Jo Jo's Circus at 4:00 in the morning. We're not exactly sure WHY she's getting up so damn early. Maybe she has to pee - maybe she had a bad dream - or maybe she's just a whack job. Regardless of what the issue is - she's the type of child that once she wakes up...That's it. She's up.

We were hoping that moving her into her new and improved room would at least alleviate the desire to sit in bed with US on these mornings. Given the fact that she has more room to play and move, plus the addition of the television....(and the addition of Odin - God of Fur).....That would enable her sleep deprived parents to lay in bed a bit longer to stare at the ceiling, declaring "today....she is YOUR daughter".

Alas, this really hasn't seemed to help much. There is still the every 15 minute request for something. We try to head these requests off early. We pee, get a banana, get juice, turn the tv on, hand her some toys - and then head back to bed. It's amazing what she'll come up with just to make us interact with her.

Anyway, like I said, given the sleep pattern - this last weekend - we were sort of just 'vegged' (lay like broccoli).

At some point during the Sunday session of being human steamed vegetables, and apparently NOT paying a whole lot of attention to our daughter, she drew this.










Ok...yes, I realize it's a goofy drawing of what SHE says is a bunny. However, that isn't my point. I realize that I'm slightly biased....but I think this is BRILLIANT for a three year old. I mean - Seriously! She's only three!!!!

I'm still not entirely convinced that she did this herself. When he handed the etch a sketch thing to me to show me, I actually complemented HIM on his drawing! He corrected me and let me know that she did it.

Again - I'm not so sure.

I've been trying to get her to duplicate some resemblance of this since Sunday, and all I've gotten is squiggle lines and mush.

Time will tell I suppose.

I do think that if anything shows up again though - I'll be looking into some toddler art classes.

She may not be able to name a dog anything more creative than "Dog"....but she's a Picasso in the making!

While although my husband will argue the roots of this story....

Many moons ago, I had a boyfriend who had a dog. A beautiful, very well behaved and trained Golden Retriever named Thor. Now, although the DOG was beautiful, well behaved and trained - the boyfriend lacked those qualities. Even though it took a VERY long time - He was eventually kicked to the curb. Shortly after the very tumultuous breakup - Michael would say that one day he was going to get a dog and name him Odin.

Let's rewind MANY MANY moons ago to the world of Norse Mythology. Thor was the God of Thunder - typically depicted in pictures with his big ass hammer riding a chariot and fighting the giants. He was also the son of Odin. It is written that Thor surpassed his father in popularity - many believe that his popularity with the people was due to the fact that, unlike his father, Thor did not require human sacrifice. (Personally - I would be a big fan of that as well).

However popular Thor was, his powers would certainly not surpass his Fathers. Odin - known as the God Of War, Battle and Death - was also known for his magic and powers to tilt a battle in the way he wanted. His trickery, cunning and deception were also a handy trait when he wanted to swindle the blood of Kvasir from the dawrves.

However, I digress.

So, as stated Michael wanted to get a dog, specifically a big dog, and name him Odin. Now, I'm not entirely sure it was because he wanted his dog to "subconsiously" be better then the bad boyfriends dog - Or if he actually literally wanted his dog to EAT the bad boyfriends dog....I suppose we'll never know.

However, we now have our big dog.

Meet Odin - God Of Fur











What?? You think I'm crazy??? Of course he isn't real. He is however almost the full length and width of the spawns twin bed - and very soft.

This is the great thing about being a Grandparent I think. All the things that we would never dream of buying our own children - I think the grandparents take a certain joy in getting them.

I also think that they had a great time getting it for her and presenting her with it - Not to mention the amount of children that they made almost pee in their pants in the middle of Costco. I imagine every six year old that was there was given a glimmer of hope that if another adult was to buy this massive mattress of a dog - than maybe their parents would as well.

She named him "Dog". She may be brilliant - but she's not very creative it seems. So, after some thinking I helped her out and asked if mommy could name him for her. She didn't really seem to care all that much.

So, I was finally able to give him his big dog and name him Odin. He watches over her as she sleeps and hangs out on the floor at the foot of her bed.

Couple Monday morning tidbits for you today:


Every morning after we get dressed, Andie stands on the toilet seat and I do her hair. She decides how many rubber bands, one or two, and what color she would like. This morning she decided on two - which is rare - since she's not a huge fan of getting her hair brushed. So, with pigtails done we venture downstairs to begin the quest for the shoes when she stops in front of the hall mirror to examine her new 'do'... at which points she tells me:

"I'm as pretty as a cow"

Not a butterfly, Not a bird....but a cow. Ok........Sure! Now.... while I don't find cows overly REPULSIVE creatures - I have also never thought while driving down the street - "What a magnificent cow!".

But hey - if she thinks they are pretty....More power to her. I just hope she doesn't grow up to be a vegetarian! :)



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Hair done, shoes found and juice box in hand, we start climbing into the Mommy Van to head off for another exciting day of learning and play—when she excitedly tells me, again, that she’s pretty. What follows is our conversation on our way to school.

“I pretty!”

“Yes, baby—you’re very pretty”

“You and me! Pretty!”

“Why thank you!”

“Andie has big hair like mama!”

“Hmm...Mama has big hair?”

“Yea”

“Daddy has no hair”

“No, baby—Daddy doesn’t have any hair”

“Mama took it all”



Heh.

Ever heard the term 'scrap-lifting'? It's the same idea as shoplifting...However, not illegal. It's when you flip through a magazine or maybe a website online, and see a scrap page that is what you were looking to do for a certain picture and/or event - and you basically steal the whole design and pass it off as your own. I've done this a few times....but I've actually found that the designs I think are extra special cool - are actually pretty hard to do.

Anyway, I've decided to 'blog-lift'. My sister had a cool idea on her site the other day titled "Mish Mash" - and I've decided to steal it. I may call it something different - but I thought before I started doing it - I should give credit to her - because it wasn't my idea at all. It may be a good way to get the cute stories that happen on a day to day basis that don't actually call for an ENTIRE post...But maybe a weekly update of the silly things that come out of our spawns mouth.

So - here goes.
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As I had said earlier, we had parental units in town this last weekend. And while I'm still recovering from my 'wiinjury' and copious amounts of alcohol - this was probably the cutest thing that happened over the weekend.

Sandy and Andie were sitting on the floor discussing the finer points of crayons and craft paper, when Andie told Sandy that she (Sandy) was Andie. Here is the basic conversation that followed.

"No, You're Andie, I'm Sandy"
"No, you're Andie"
"No, I'm Sandy...You're Andie"
"ANDIE"
".....Ok, I'm Andie....Who are you?"

Pause

"Maxine"

Who the hell is Maxine? And you KNOW I'm going to start calling her that!
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She woke up, again, very early and needed to use the potty. So, as she's sitting doing her business, I'm sitting on the edge of the bathtub, resting my head up against the wall.

Her reaction to that was:

"Ahhhh.....Mama is sick and tired"

heh.
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There is a box at school to drop off the tuition checks. I typically write the check in the car in the parking lot, before I walk her inside. Once we walk inside I usually let her put the check in the box that is up on the wall. This however takes a while as she misses the first 400 times. We were running late this week and decided that I just didn't have the time this morning to let her do it. So, I would drop her off and give them the check on the way out. So, off we go and as we PASS the box...her reaction - her LOUD reaction ... .while other parents are around:

"Mama!!! No Stealing!!!!!
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Again, this last weekend....Sandy and Andie are sitting on the couch and chit chatting as they often do. Andie desperately wanted to have her watch. It's one of those "wrap around" watches...No clasps or hooks - just kind of 'wraps' around her wrist. This was one of her most favorite things to chew on when we would visit in the baby'ish years. Anyway - she wanted the watch. Sandy didn't particularly want to give UP her watch - seeing as she knows she may never see it again. However, Andie in all her wisdom decided the only way to get the watch was to give Sandy something in return.

Sandy got a .10 cent plastic hair thing and Andie got the watch. Sandy's response:

"Good Trade"

It was a bizarre rendition of a scene from 'Dances With Wolves'....

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That's about it for today. I need to start writing these things down. Some of them are pretty damn cute.

As my stress continues to rise, so does the endless search of mindless humor. As my normal daily routine of checking the news (It's a drug - but I'm doing much better - I don't click on the headlines that I KNOW are going to bother me) I, with one eye, opened Linda's blog (my favorite writer) - and I'm about to totally steal her post of the day.

She happen to be watching "The Princess Bride" while she was working - so her post became a "move quote" marathon.

I didn't have the 'oomph' to explain to anyone in her comment section that MY family can best ANY family when it comes to movie quotes. My sister and I can talk in nothing BUT movie quotes for an hour, and completely understand that the other - went to the store, did some laundry, drove to soccer practice, spent some time on the computer, had her pap smeared, and spent some time on the computer.

So.....What's your favorite movie quote?

I'll start it off.

Golden Child: Only a man who's heart is pure can wield the knife, and only a man who's ass is narrow can get down these steps, and if I have such an ass, then I may have it.

Evolution: I think that we've established that ka-ka ka-ka and tookie tookie...don't work here

E.T.: Shut Up Penis Breath.

ID4: What's with the fat lady? You're obsessed with the fat lady!


Just to name a few.....Post as often as you would like....I'm interested in the things that stick in ya'lls brains.....


**sidenote** how ironic....the phone rang right as I was about to post this and Grandmommy is going in for surgery tomorrow. "Hello Stess, My name is Kerrie"

These last few weeks I've been intentionally seeking out 'humor' any way that I can. Our "On Demand" button on the cable is about to be worn off in my endless search of mindless comedy flicks and stand up comedians. My online time is being spent searching the depths of comedy central watching .52 second clips of every comedian imaginable just to get a couple chuckles - in what has otherwise been a crappy couple of weeks.

I'm a huge fan of stand up comedy, always have been. Never have had the brain capacity to watch and/or follow such comedians at the Jon Stewarts, Bill Mahers or Stephen Colbert. I'm certainly not saying they aren't brilliant comedians ... but it can be a bit over my head at times - and quite frankly, sometimes politics just bore me. However, give me some Blue Collar Comedy tour and I'm as happy as a redneck with a double wide and a six pack of bud.

Which brings me to our comedian of the day. Jeff Dunham.
That's pronounced Jeff Dunham....Not....Jef F Dun Ham. (that will make sense if you watch his latest stand up routine)

This is a man who makes his living, and not doing a bad job of it, by sticking his hand up the ass' of puppets and making them talk. Yes, he's a ventriloquist.

Anyway - His characters range from Walter - The Old Grumpy Old Man, Peanut - The Purple Alien, and of course - "Jose, The Jalapeño On A Stick" (which is exactly what it sounds like ... a talking pepper with a stick up his butt).

If you get the chance - check this guy out. I was under the impression that he's only been around for a while - but there are clips in here with Johnny. I would also like to point out - if you've read anything over time about comedians and Johnny....Getting invited over to the chairs was a HUGE deal.



So, here's the daily dose of humor for today. I hope you get a kick out of this guy as much as I do. I really think for doing what he does - he's very clever and quick....And the actual human is pretty funny too.....

It’s been a difficult week. The first reason being that I have some strange ailment that even the doctor couldn't exactly pinpoint, so just gave me a heaping of bizarre medications in hopes of killing whatever was currently have a little fiesta in my body. I’m still doing things at about half speed and sound like a patient from the local TB clinic.

The second reason is a bit harder to explain, but I will try to do so, as it may effect what is written on these pages.

Probably about a month ago, my brother in law said in the comment section (paraphrasing) “loving the blogs….laughing my ass off…keep ‘em coming...except for those child neglect posts…”. I could understand that – and do my best to keep it light hearted and good fun. However, that doesn’t mean that I don’t still KNOW about the child neglect cases, and all the other ‘cases’ of evil around the world.

Wednesday at around lunch time, a “breaking story” hit the internet, followed by almost every tv station in the country. I’m hoping you’ve seen/heard it – b/c I truly don’t have what it takes to recap it – and honestly – you are better off if you haven't heard it. In a nutshell it involved a three year old girl – a video tape – and the lowest denominator of a human piece of shit in the world. What makes this story different from all the horrible countless ones out there – is they were unsure where the girl was – or who she was . AND there was a picture … a still frame from THE video tape.

I think that’s what did me in. Most of these cases there is no photography – just the words. And sometimes I think it’s easier to set yourself apart from it if you don’t actually SEE it. But there she was on CNN, with a complete vacant look – almost as if she was saying ‘please help me’.

Her face has been burned in my brain for five days now. I haven't closed my eyes once without seeing her, or looked at my own daughter and not thought of this little girl. I have shed more tears for this little nameless girl in five days than when I got laid off from my job many years ago.

There is a ‘somewhat’ good end to the story – and by that I mean the girl has been found “safe”…(we’ll see about that), however the walking excrement hasn’t been found and is “at large”. The police have vowed… “we have long memories – we will not forget about you”. And when they DO find him, I will gladly fly to wherever they need me to cut his balls off with a rusty knife.

The reaction that I had to this has told/taught me a few things about myself over the last few days. Maybe I’m too emotional…Maybe I get attached too easily? Or maybe I’ve just HAD ENOUGH! Whatever the reason may be – I’ve made some decisions.

I’m not going to be a news junkie anymore. If there is something important going on in the world – I need ya’ll to tell me. Maybe that’s the wrong way of going about it – but I think it’s the best way for me to go.

You can never be too safe as a parent – especially these days. The days of “go play outside and come back when it’s dark” are over. We don’t trust anyone – and quite honestly, for good reason. Just recently some daycare workers (I’m unsure of where) thought it was a good idea to shut a baby up b/c he cried so much – so they TAPED the pacifier in his mouth and left him in the bathroom. Another example – a babysitter wanted the baby to stop crying so she submerged his little 18 month old feet in scalding boiling water….

All this effects how I think – how I motivate – and what is constantly entering my head when I slow down. There isn’t a day that my heart does not break for something I CAN’T change, someone I CAN’T help. I have to train myself at night when I get into bed to think of “happy things”, and not convince myself that tomorrow is the day that something truly horrible is going to happen.

So, there it is. I’m done. No more sensational news. No more child neglect stories if I can help it. The weather channel, E! news and “news of the weird” is where I’ll be.

But – to start off the new “no news” me – I would like to introduce to you my child…I don’t often post pictures of her (read all the crap I just wrote as to why)…but I couldn’t pass this one up

The love child of Shawn Cassidy….