The Mini Van Soap Box

I could have married a doctor, or a lawyer. A man who devoted his life to saving the planet. A spokesperson for global warming perhaps. An interest in adopting 27 children. A philanthropist in his own way.

However, I did not. A good man, I did marry. A great man, in fact. We do not have 27 adopted children - and have yet to solve the crisis in the rain forest. He is not a lawyer or a doctor. However, he cares for a great many things. But chances are he'll never be written about in a magazine, or discussed in groups long after he's gone.

However, I sit here tonight and curse the very day he was born.

Because God love him, what he is, is a Sci-Fi Guy.....And I have spent a life time making fun of all the shows he's watched. And apparently God has a hell of a sense of humor.

For tonight, I am sitting at the kitchen table, watching Stargate Atlantis on some very strange free streaming Chinese web site.....and I don't think I'm going to bed anytime soon...because I can't stop!

It's killing him not to tell me what happens next - but I think he's enjoying more that my eyeballs are a mere three inches away from the laptop. He's already lining up what to "suggest" next after I'm done with this. I'll try my hardest to resist, but I'm afraid as long as it's summer, as there's no new programing out there....I'm an easy target.

Battlestar Galactica and Babylon 5 are on his list.....

Maybe fight is a strong word to use. It was a misunderstanding.

I understand why I did it. She didn't. So, we discussed it.

About a year or so ago, we're flipping through the channels and came across one of those Jon & Kate marathons. One of those 14 hour long marathons, that suck you in for no other reason than you don't have the energy to click the remote button again.

So, you watch. And the kids are cute. And who doesn't like cute kids.

But then SHE started to watch - and was CAPTIVATED. Within hours she knew all the kids names, and had named her baby doll Mady, and wanted to go to Crayola World...and Disney....and have matching outfits with me....and have seven siblings.

It was rather cute, if I say so myself. And for the most part I really didn't see anything wrong with it. Yes, I thought Kate was a bit over the top, but who wouldn't be with eight children. So, I set the DVR to record new episodes and looked forward to a show that I could enjoy WITH my daughter, instead of being forced to watch something animated.

That was a year ago. I deleted the season pass about 3 weeks ago.

I won't get into here the why's - because it's the same reason everyone in the world has right now. It's just not something I choose to support. Those two, and those kids, need a break. And if by turning off my tivo helps those kids, even in my small way, I'll do it.

But WOW did she not understand. She heard on the radio to school yesterday "Jon and Kate Season Premiere...." and almost peed herself. I decided to talk to her about later - hoping she would forget.

She didn't.

I tried every different way to explain to her why we couldn't watch it anymore...She wasn't having it.

I finally had to say "because Mommy says so!!"

I knew it was going to happen sooner or later....I just didn't I was going to finally pull that one out of the bag for a stupid reality show.

I haven't really had anything interesting to write lately because I've been too busy hacking a lung up through my throat. It's fun. You should try it. Really. I've been doing it for about six days now. After a while it starts to give you a nice red, sandpaper glow all over - and a thick hoarseness to your voice that men can't resist.

It all started with what I just assumed were allergies. You would think at my age I would KNOW if I have allergies or not, but damned if every spring I have to actually THINK about it. "Is this a cold, or do I have allergies?" So, I spend the better part of a week taking allergy medication, only to have the allergy medication not do anything at all - all the while I'm telling people "oh no, don't worry, this is allergies" when they start to back away from me. So, while I'm taking a shit load of allergy medication for no reason what so ever, and also infecting every living soul I come into contact with, I'm still genuinely confused as to WHY the allergy medication isn't working.

Because I'm a complete a total freakin' moron.

So, I nurse a general every day cold with allergy meds, give said cold to every one I know, all the while run myself into the ground because I keep thinking "there's no reason why you can't paint the guest room and clean out the garage....it's just allergies...suck it up you pussy". So, I don't take care of the cold...and inevitably get bronchitis.

So, I finally went to the doctor the other day when my ass brain caught up that I was actually sick, and the doctor wouldn't give me drugs "because it's just viral" and sent me on my way. But with the parting words of "If it's the flu, it's too late to test for it...."

What the hell does THAT mean? Like it's too late....For ME?

By the way....Being this sick with the swine flu running around the country is awesome....Makes people really want to hang out with you.

There was a time, in my youth, that the time I had to get up in the morning for work was not necessarily as important as how much fun I was having at that particular time.

If a hot guy from across the bar was making googly eyes at me....or a really great song was on the dance floor....or a good conversation was being had.....a friend was in from out of town....

Hell....I think I called in drunk once because I stayed up too late to watch Miss Universe.

My point is...I'm old now.

I've been discussing with my best friend for the last TWO WEEKS how I was going to manage all the two hour season finales that were coming my way. Specifically the LOST season finale....Because 5 years ago this would have been a non-issue.

I actually turned the tv OFF last night at 10:00....went to bed, and watched the other hour this morning while getting ready for work.

Hello. My Name Is Lame.

Not too long ago my husband and I had a home that didn't require the purging of winter items. I didn't have to pull half of my wardrobe out, cram them into those crappy ass plastic bags, suck all the air out, and haul them to the basement. Young and stupid - three luxury levels of closets, upgraded appliances, and what I seem to recall as a "luxury bath".

Then we had a child. And now we're young, stupid and broke - in a house where my husband and I share a bathroom that we both can't fit in at the same time.

Why the move? We didn't have a yard. We didn't have a space for a swing set. We didn't have neighbors. And while although we are cramped and I'm bitchy about my kitchen, bathroom, closets, creaky floors and endless weeds (OH THE WEEDS!!!)..... we couldn't be happier in our small, over priced creaky floor small ass bathroom house.

However, with the move into the house I lost my office. We've moved my desk from room to room about a million times, and we've finally settled on changing the "formal living room" into my office. I can keep my office clean for when people come over, and I've managed to minimize my "stuff" into one armoire. And really - does ANYONE require a "formal living room".

I know no one that's formal. And if I did ... They aren't invited to my house.

I organized my armoire today.

The fruits of my labor.


See all that shit. That was an entire office worth of crafting supplies that has been organized into one armoire. Granted, a huge armoire. Take a good look
at ALL that stuff. I love my stuff - My paper, brads, tape, paint, stickers and stamps. And do you want to know what I MAKE with all that stuff.


This tacky ass butt ugly box for my daughter. She says she wants a box with flowers on it for her rubber bands. I say "Honey, I have four years worth of scrap booking of your life that I have yet to do. Don't you want a scrapbook to look at when YOU have children?" She says no. She NEEDS a box for her rubber bands. I say, "Ok". Because I'm a big marshmallow.

I think that in general, most groups of people - be them friends, family or whatever your "group" of people may be - have certain interesting things that you say to each other that only you understand. Little phrases or catch words that mean something to you - but would probably not mean anything to an outsider. Some would consider it an inside joke, or a "you had to be there" kind of thing.

Perfect example: I could say to any number of people in my family
"And then his head blew up"........ and their response would be.........
"And that would be REALLY funny"...........

I honestly have NO idea why we do this. No. Seriously. I have no memory of WHY we started doing this. Or even if I was around when this happened. But I know we do it. And I know it's funny as hell.

My sister and I probably have more of these little things than other members of the family. I could break out into a rendition of "Oh it's fun to be obnoxious..." a catchy little tune that she and I made up when I was about 13 years old - and she would happily sing along.

Anyway!! The point of all of this was that along the way she and I also started having a passion for sign that made no sense. It started with a sign at Disney World that CLEARLY said "No Throwing Confetti". For real. It was a sign with no words, but a picture of person throwing confetti in the air, and a big X through it.

We were unaware that Disney had such a confetti throwing problem.

You are also strongly discouraged from dancing on roller coasters.

She recently returned from a fabulous island tour, which I won't go into much detail about, because I'm jealous as hell. But she found this gem for me.


I have NO idea what this means.

The only thing that we could come up with was that on this particular island it's better to stay in a group because the local midget colony may attack you if you separate. It's a whole safety in numbers thing. It appears from the sign that it's also best to keep the transparent people in the front of the pack. I'm not entirely sure why.