The Mini Van Soap Box

Dear Blog,

I haven't stopped loving you, really I haven't. But I am currently sitting on the floor in my office - with no desk, no filing cabinet and buried underneath 28 boxes full of crap. I have only just now connected the computer JUST so I could talk to you.

Yes, I realize that I am talking about my WORK office and that I could have talked to you in the evenings when I got home. However, by the time I've gotten home - I'm lucky if I can open a beer bottle and sit down and introduce myself to my daughter.

Yesterday she told me "I missed you on the couch last night".

Once I'm able to clear a path - I will escape this office of hell and pay more attention to you. I promise.

Anything interesting happen to you this week? I'm all ears.

There are a hundred reasons why we all tone down our drinking as we get older.

Call it maturity.

Maybe it's a desire to take better care of yourself.

It could even be trying to set a better example.

The REAL reason we don't drink like we used to?

Having a bitchin' hang over AND a 4 year old sucks ass.

I started this blog about a year ago. Originally, it was meant to get some info out there to family and friends because when it came to responding to emails and keeping the family up to date, I sucked. In addition, many strange things bounce around in my head and I needed an outlet.

It didn't take too long before I had a handful of readers and became consumed with 'comments'.

Comments! That word either strikes fear in the hearts of bloggers or makes them all warm and fuzzy inside.

There was a time, not too long ago, that comment usage was at an all time high. Each night I would go to bed and blog in my sleep. I would come up with brilliant things to say the next day, brilliant I tell you. Each day with the sun I would think, "what wondrous things will I say to my readers today that will in turn force them to validate my existence".

But alas, the comment usage is down. No longer is the desire of strangers to leave me words of encouragement and undying love.

So that brings us to my weekly verbal smack down.

At least once a week I will have the following conversation with my sister.

Me: Not ONE person said anything today! Didn’t YOU think that was funny?

Her: I’m sorry what?....I was trying to pay the bills, clean the kitchen, play with the kids, and remain beautiful and desirable for my husband all at the same time. Did you say something?

Me: Yes Damnit! No Comments! Did you hear me? No one said ANYTHING! I’m not funny! I’m not clever! No one loves me! I may as well eat worms.

Her: Yea Kid…Go eat some worms. Let me know how they taste (yawn)

Me: When did it stop? Did you read yesterday’s blog? Was THAT ONE funny? Let’s talk this through and anaylze it.

Her: Um…Wha? Er? Oh – right, sure. Yea, um, did you check your stat counter today?

Me: Yea, it said 74 visits.

Her: Suck It. Bye.

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If you have any interest in being a guest blogger on a great site, come visit us at Reviews Of Change.

I consider myself a very amateur gardener....I know certain plants and have very little fear over trying something I don't know. If it looks pretty - I'll try to plant it and take care of it. I'm slowly trying to convert most of my beds into perennial plants to save some time each year with the planting. Last year I attempted a hibiscus - which was lovely, but won't come back year after year. This year, in the same exact spot of last years hibiscus, something started to grow. I have read that some plants - if it wasn't a particulary harsh winter - will re-seed themselves.

So, I've been thinking that maybe I would get lucky and get my hibiscus back again.

However, this thing is growing very fast....and I have no idea what the hell it is. It's kind of pretty...but if I find out I've been nursing a freakin' weed for months I'm going to be pissed.

Anyone know what the hell this thing is??

I'm sure we aren't the only parents to question ourselves everyday about something we're doing to her - or something we're doing for her. Every other day or so, usually during her bath time, we'll discuss if we are making the right decision about keeping her in her current pre-school. We realize that we are never going to have a perfect situation, and there are always going to be things that we don't care for - regardless of where she is. No situation is perfect, as much as we wish it was.

However, we got to the point last week of "the final straw", and within two days I had found her a new school and yanked her from the old.

While I won't blabber on about how great her new school seems to be, or how clean and pretty it is, or all the great programs they offer for her - I will say that it seems to be a great school and I feel that we made the right decision.

I was faced once again this morning though with the one thing that is the hardest for me to do. As much as I know how important it is to let them make their own choices and to let them 'go', the desire for me to do everything for her and 'fix' everything is very strong.

She's starting a new school not knowing her new teachers or having any friends at all. I won't lie - A big part of me wanted to stay at that school this morning and introduce her to everyone and scream "EVERYONE MUST LOVE MY CHILD".

But I didn't. I walked her in and allowed another women to get her settled. She looked a little shell shocked & a bit confused about her new surroundings - and made a small step towards me. I smiled my big "everything is so great here" smile, told her I loved her, and left.

I have no doubt that she's having a great time and making new friends, but that doesn't mean that I'm not eyeballing the clock every ten minutes, waiting for the end of the day.

It struck me as I was driving to work....If starting her in a new pre-school gives me ulcers....I'm going to be dead by the time she's 18.

Here's something I never thought I would hear myself say. I kind of like the gym.

Now, I'm not CRAZY about it. I haven't gotten to the point in my life - or in my gym career - if I miss the gym for a few days I start to feel gross. The words "ugh, I can't believe I haven't gone to the gym in three days!" has never come out of my lips. I'm not skipping down the hallways of the gym - and I certainly don't like seeing the gym fee hit my credit card every month.

However, it's starting to grow on me a little. We've got all this workout equipment at home - and God love him - my husband uses it all. And I think I may have figured out the reason why driving to the gym, instead of using the already paid for equipment in my own home, works better for me.

The only person I get to watch working out at home - is me. And that's just plain boring.

People watching at the gym has got to rank right up there with the Mall and Amusement Park people watching.

Over the last couple months I've managed to put most people into their respective little categories. Yes - I'm stereo typing...(ha - get it? typing? Oh come on! That was funny!)

The gym is divided into two very separate work out areas. All the tread mills, stair climbers, ellipticals, row machines, and such are on one side. On the other side are all of the free weights. With weights that are as large as my car and weigh just as much. Most of the people in here are as wide as they are tall. The guys you see on tv pulling tractors with their teeth...Yea, those guys. Not judging - just not my thing.

Anyway, everyone pretty much keeps to their own side of the gym. Except this one guy. I see him almost every time I'm there. I've nicknamed him Meat Head Loud Grunter. I'm not entirely sure if he just wants to come check out the ladies or if he's maybe showing off his body to "our side"...but there really isn't anything on our side that is heavy enough for him, so he ends up using two machines at once and grunts REALLY loud. I can hear this guy over my iPod. It's quite disturbing.

There's a little old lady that walks around - every day. I've never once seen her use a machine. She's got a water bottle and a towel. She just walks around the gym. She seems very sweet...She smiles at everyone. Just seems like she could walk around her neighborhood and save herself the money.

Naked Locker Room Lady That Keeps Talking To Me. Seriously...I don't get this. Just yesterday my mother and I were in the locker room changing into our workout clothes and discussing the gastric bypass a friend of ours had a few years ago. This woman - who was BUTT ASS NAKED started asking questions about the procedure. I have NO problem with strangers talking to me. I've struck up my fair share of conversations with people in line at stores or in the frozen food section of the grocery store. I'm just not NAKED when I'm doing it. What I found so odd about this is that she wasn't really even making an attempt to get dressed. Her underwear was IN HER HAND. Good Lord woman - Put them on.

Interesting side note: I can tell you without hesitation that this woman could not have been more than 120 pounds. She asked if Gastric Bypass surgery was something that she should look into. I can safely say that I have first hand knowledge that this woman does NOT need gastric bypass surgery.

Naked people are weird.

I've been working on this big project for some time now. Personally, I think the idea is great and I think if it turns out the way I want it to - it could be big.

And here's the catch - You're all invited!!

Excited aren't you? No, wait! Come back!

I don't want to give too much away, or even let you see it yet, because frankly it's kind of unfinished and blobby looking...and you'll just think I'm crazy and you won't want to play with me anymore.

What I can tell you is that I am not going to ask for any money, or for you to jump on board of some worthy cause. I'm not going to call you at dinner time and ask you to answer some simple survey questions. I'm not going to ask for your blood, your social security number or request your credit report. I'm not going to ask for your first born - but that's primarily because I can't handle the one I already have.

I am going to ask for you to think and hopefully to write. Which is something most of you do on a daily basis anyway.

More details to follow - and personal emails to many of you detailing what I've got cooking.

If you think you may be interested in this thing that I haven't told you anything about, and you don't have your email listed on your website, shoot me an email and give it to me.

So, that's it. Vague enough for you?

It's been an interesting couple of days in our house.

As I'm often to do - I change the furniture around. A lot. I suppose it wouldn't be so bad if the furniture was all moved within the same room that it was already in. However, my big grand ideas usually move rooms between floors.

Regardless of the reasons why I do this (other than the fact that it DOES look better dear!), I believe that my husband still loves me despite this interesting quirk of mine.

Anyway, so two days of sweating and re-arranging, packing and unpacking again - our daughter pretty much had run of the house. She watched what she wanted - pulled out every toy she has - and we let her eat what she wanted. It was, for all intents and purposes, a red-letter weekend for a 4 year old.

Until it was time for bed.

TWO nights in a row - around the 3:00 am each night - she started crying from her room.

Both episodes of crying led to running to the bathroom to throw up.

Not entirely out of the ordinary for children...however, it's how she acts when this is happening that melts my heart.

Both nights she used the words "I don't feel very well Mommy"
(where did she learn to talk like that?)

Both nights she was very upset over the mere idea of not getting to the toilet in time.
(very considerate of her)

Both nights, after she had run her course, she looked up at me with her vomit covered face and said "Thank you Mommy, I feel much better"
(she's thanking me?? If/when I throw up - I'm curled up in the fetal position on the bathroom floor stabbing people with toenails clippers if they come near)

After everything was said and done, I cleaned her up and put her back into bed, where she curled back up and said "I love you Mommy" and drifted back to sleep.

We think we've established what had her throwing up two nights in a row - the only thing that she had both days. Simple process of elimination. Unless of course she throws up again tonight - then I'm stumped.

So, here's to you baby. You are beautiful and kind - even when your throwing up.

It's been a very interesting 24 hours round these here parts.

I would like everyone to take a moment and carefully look at this map. I'll wait here.

Done? Good.
So, here's something about me.

I DON'T LIVE IN ANY OF THOSE YELLOW PARTS.

So, color me surprised when a freakin' tornado touched down in my neck of the woods yesterday.

It was the damdest thing I've ever seen. The whole world just went dark, the rain started...but not rain I've ever seen before. It was sideways rain. Not rain that was just slightly slanted...it was SIDEWAYS rain. Trees were bending in middle and running parallel to the street.

Only funny thing that happened was the women in the parking lot trying to use an UMBRELLA. These winds were strong enough to MOVE CARS, you think your umbrella is going to protect you? It immediately turned inside out - and looked like it was trying to eat her face.

By the time I thought to get my camera and videotape the chaos....it was over.

But the damage left in it's path was pretty severe.

There are very few that have power...some won't get it as late as Saturday. Flash floods, no street lights to speak of and trees are everywhere.

Fortunately for us - the only thing we lost was power at our house. But unfortunately for us - it's the worst thing that can happen.

I can't sleep when it's hot. Or when it's too quiet. I can't function. It consumes my brain. Every sound the house makes freaks me out. I'll convince myself that someone is breaking in to murder us in our sleep. My husband has been on the receiving end of one of these nights...I imagine not something he wants to experience again. So, he didn't even bat an eye when I said we had to get a hotel room.

I called three different hotels. The first one didn't have a generator, so no A/C. That was out. Called the next one - fully booked. Ended up calling one of those hotels that really isn't a hotel - but more like an apartment. They had one room left.

So, if you were ever curious how much air conditioning is worth to me.

It's worth $287 a night at the Residence Inn.

So, what's the thing you'll spend too much money on?

I dated a guy for a short period of time in my 20's that would make fun of the way I would clean. Well, actually, not the way I would clean - but where I would clean. While cleaning the kitchen I would actually MOVE the appliances and wipe underneath them. This apparently was very funny to him - and also made me a bit OCD, in his opinion. From there on out was an ongoing joke about the very smart dirt that lived in my apartment - and the battle I waged against said dirt.

I let the joke go on...simply because he was convinced he was funny. But also, because I knew I was right. There WAS dirt underneath the coffee maker. Why would I just leave it there and clean everywhere else?

These days the war is a bit more of an argument. I don't always have the time or the energy to rage war every damn day.

Because here's the thing. The dirt IS very smart. I can scoop, vacuum, sweep, wipe or Lysol the hell out it, but miraculously, it keeps showing up. The dirt is faster and smarter than I.

Now it's coming after my daughter.

Every morning is the same in my house. She gets dressed in clean clothes, brushes her teeth and hair, and we even go so far as to get the sleep out of her eyes! This isn't something I'm patting myself on the back for - don't get me wrong. I just see no reason why she should look like a shlump. I see kids every morning who clearly just roll out of bed and put on the same clothes that they had on the day before. It's either that or their parents let them ride to school rolling around in the trunk of a car.

This morning though, I had that kid. I don't know when or where it happened - but somewhere between brushing her teeth and getting into the car - a huge black smear showed up on her shirt. I may like my kid to be clean - but I also have a timetable I have to keep.

So, today I have the dirty kid at school.

I suppose I could just dress her in black all the time - but then I would have a little goth baby.

I've said it before, and I'm sure I'll say it again, but times are tight for some. Apparently Memorial Day driving was at an all time low because of the cost of gas. I see all to often in my line of work how hard times are. A few days ago I read that Costco and Sam's Club are rationing rice. Rice! Apparently I can't buy more than two fifty pound bags of rice at a time. I suppose that doesn't really have an impact on me, per say. But I would like to know if I was ever in the market for 300 pounds of rice - I could get it.

All of that being said - you need to know where to shop. Gotta have your eyes peeled - ready for that amazing deal.

Look no further - Just come to my house!!

My husband and I have piddled on Ebay and Craigslist from time to time. An interesting item that we would like to buy - but didn't want to pay retail. Or an item that we were looking to off load - and didn't particularly feel like having an entire yard sale to get rid of it.

The one thing that we have learned from all of this piddling?

People really dig free shit. Free shit that is crap. Free shit that is broken and covered in dirt and mold.

However.

Free: BROKEN lawnmover. Over 10 years old. Has not worked in over a year.
Gone in about 2 hours.

Free: Nasty, dirty, mini-fridge. Quite certain there is mold growing on the inside. There's an ugly white board duct taped to the front - and not entirely sure it even works. Have no idea why I even have it in my garage.
Gone in less than 30 minutes.

We have posted everything from mold infested mini-fridges to broken and busted halogen lamps. Old printers that don't even hold paper anymore. A friend of ours listed pieces of concrete that he jack hammered out of his backyard.

All gone. And at lightening speed.

So, that's my Monday morning piece of advice. You want something gone. Make sure it's nasty and covered in bacteria - and list it for free. Someone is going to come get it in a few hours.

Seriously....Any one want this lovely armoire?