Yet another fantastic little tidbit about what a dynamite mother I am.

Over the last couple of weeks I've been transferring paper work from her old school to her new school, and filling out the additional 130 forms needed. In addition, I was informed that they would need a copy of her birth certificate.

No problem, right?

Yea, well, apparently I don't HAVE a birth certificate for her. I have this official looking letter from the hospital, signed by the nurse that I'm still convinced was trying to kill me. It even has a raised stamp and everything.

I've been informed that even though Nurse Ratchet and an official looking seal from the hospital is nice, they actually need the real thing.

Off to the OFFICE OF VITAL STATISTICS (.com)! You can even order it on line. Technology is great I say! I'll even pay the extra $20 to have it here in 2 weeks, as opposed to 6. Just simply fill out these forms - and they'll send me a piece of paper that proves that the small blond running around my house isn't a hallucination.

From the Office of Vital Statistics
We realize that the 2 weeks past your due date, 17 hours of labor and large scar on your private area is proof to YOU that you gave birth to this child, however, to ensure that you are who you SAY you are, please answer the following questions:

Question #1: Which of the following six phone numbers have you NEVER had.
Question #2: Which of the following six address' have you NEVER had.
Question #3: Which of the following cities have you lived in.
Question #4: In which state was your Mothers social security number issued in.
Question #5: One day Joe went to the horse races. Instead of counting the number of humans and horses, he counted 74 heads and 196 legs. How many human and horses are there?

Needless to say, I failed in qualifying that I am who I say I am. Considering that I've had about 4 apartments, and 4 different homes since the age of 20 - and probably about 15 different phone numbers, AND I was pretty much drunk between the ages of 21 to 27...

Hell, I don't even know what my home number is right now.

It will be interesting to see who's birth certificate shows up at my house in 2 to 4 weeks. I may need to change her name.


Carolyn...Online said...

I've never understood the sheer volume of paperwork required to sign a child up for school and/or prove that they are indeed this age and a human.

Big Kahuna said...

Kerrie darlin'

You are making this WAY too hard. Just tell the school that you are an illegial alien and you won't have to supply any paperwork ...

Anonymous said...

Darn you Big Kahuna-- THAT was my joke!


mumma boo said...

Who cares how many horses and humans Joe saw? What we really want to know is how much money Joe won.

MichaƩle said...

Went through the same thing when I went to apply for a passport recently (I have three teenagers so fleeing the country for some peace and quiet is only possible with a passport). The health department was thankfully right across the street but yes, who knew the pretty one they give you at the hospital is a "souvenier" birth certificate? That and I was glad to see the "father's name" listed on my BC is actually the person I have been calling dad for the past 40 years. You just never know....