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My best friend has a new man in her life, and the relationship has gotten to the point where introductions are being made. I imagine when one is younger, you introduce the new boyfriends and girlfriends to every single person you know, but as we age - this just seems pointless and quite honestly, exhausting. There really is no point in making the rounds unless you actually LIKE the person. So, anyway, my husband and I got our turn to crawl up the new boyfriends butt and get to know him. Something I've been looking forward to for some time now - and something I'm sure she's been nervous about.

Because as you can imagine, if you've been reading here for a while, I can say some really stupid shit.

And she likes him. And the last thing you want to do is introduce your new boyfriend, that you actually like, to your best friend who can't stop talking about her vagina.

So, we laid out some ground rules before hand. No politics, religion or penis/vagina talk. Easy enough. The only other thing is that, like my friend, he's a vegetarian. So while she has always been an extremely polite vegetarian (meaning she doesn't snub her nose at others and fill conversations with slaughter houses and the ridiculous sizes of chickens assholes) she did throw that info out there in case it mattered to me.

And then she said, "Don't Go Overboard!"

The last thing I wanted was a big stuffy formal sit down dinner, so we decided to just do finger food/appetizer stuff. A spinach dip, some deviled eggs, our famous "veggie pizzas" and a homemade carrot cake. In my head it really wasn't overboard at all...Really...It wasn't. I just always forget how labor intensive some things are...and also how MUCH food he and I can make for just 4 people. So, of course by the time they got there it looked like we were feeding an army.

I'm happy to report that I didn't mention my vagina once all night. But, sadly, I do think I talked about pooping for an uncomfortable amount of time. And not cute baby poop. Adult sized crap. So that's unfortunate.

Personally, I think the evening was a great success, and we like him a great deal - and I didn't stay awake all night having panic attacks over all the stupid shit I said, which means I'm growing as a person.

Except for one small thing.

I think vegetarians are evil.

I have never experienced so much gas in my whole life. Next time I'm serving Bean-O and GasX in small candy dishes.

(I totally stole that picture...But mine looks exactly the same so it should count...Please don't throw me in internet jail....I'm admitting it's not mine)


Big Kahuna said...

Someone you know well represents the company that manufactures Gas-X. I am certain that they are happy for the plug (is that humor?) and I will be glad to send you samples. Do you prefer caplets, chewables or "melt in your mouth" Thin Strips?

Dana's Brain said...

HA! Gas is funny.

At least that's what my 6yr old thinks.

SmartAssMom said...

Yessssss!!! They are little walking clouds of gas, aren't they?

I don't think that helps the environment AT ALL.