The Mini Van Soap Box

If there is anything I've learned through out this entire process of having and maintaining a beautiful backyard for all to see - is - next spring when shopping for flowers and plants I will only buy those that rodents and furry things alike think taste like dog crap. I must have done all my shopping this year at the "woodland creature barbecue and buffet" store.

A large portion of my morning was spent yesterday in the pesticide and bug-be-gone isle in Home Depot. I am not a Home Depot fan. The Home Depot commercials...you've seen 'em...."You Can Do It, We Can Help". Yea, not so much. More of the "You Can Do It...Now Go Away". Next to Lowe's (at least in this area) it's dirty, not well organized and the folks that work there have NO idea what they are talking about. The interview process must be along the lines of

"We would like you to work in the nursery department - do you know anything about flowers or plants?"
"No, but I was so wasted last night I wrapped my car around a tree. A tree is a plant, right?"
"Great - You're Hired!"

However, on this occasion as I found myself staring at a mile of toxins in which to kill the flying Wasps of Death in my backyard - this lovely looking man came over and asked if he could help me. (I doubt it seriously) I explained my situation and after a moment, he looked at me quite seriously and said...

"Do you want them to go away - Or do you want them to GO AWAY?".....

I love this man. I will adopt him. I will make him my boyfriend. A kindred spirit. I could see it in his eyes - he understood. He stands with me on my slippery slope of morality - not judging me for wanting to buy an AK47 and hide in the bush with my night goggles on.

We decided together how best to get rid of all of my pests - however, outside of the above mentioned right to bear arms, there is no "groundhog go-away" formula. A live trap is the best you can do. Also - no specific "Cicada Killer Wasp" spray. So, I just bought seven cans of regular wasp spray in hopes of just slowing them down enough that I can smack them with a tennis racket.

I return home to do some other work and when the afternoon sun starts to set I venture outside to begin. I spray the entire perimeter of the yard with "Mole and Rodent" spray - also "Rabbit Spray". I spray the garden - around the garden - the path to the garden. Before setting the live trap - I wanted to make sure that Animal Control would come and get him.

They won't. I have to take him to them. I so don't see that happening.

Oddly enough - before we hang up - she makes sure I understand that in the state of Virginia it is illegal to kill groundhogs. Damn - You think she could just HEAR it in my voice?? I didn't even say anything about wanting him dead...Wow. I think I'm wound a bit to tight over this thing.

So - in the end - I did not set the trap. Mostly just because if I catch him - then I have to transport him...And I'm not crazy about that idea.

And in a startling brilliant move - while talking to someone about the live trap - I actually said "If I do set the trap - what do you suppose I should put in there to get him to go in? What does he like to eat?"

He likes to eat all your flowers you dumb shit.