The Mini Van Soap Box

We all have a certain amount of things to do each day, in a sometimes very small amount of time. Grocery Store, Bank, Post Office, Dry Cleaners, Doctor Appointment, etc. That is all on top of the normal eight hour work day, the two hours of travel time, getting you and the kids ready in the morning. Add all of that up - and you have, oh, about 23 minutes each evening to hug and kiss the family, watch some tv and get all your stuff ready for the next day.

There are some very simple things that everyone could do to make MY day a little easier. Yes, folks, today - it's all about ME.

#1 - Don't ask me if I want to "start my morning with a warm breakfast sandwich" I'm a big girl. Chances are if I wanted one - I would ask for one. Just give me my venti, half-caff, whole milk, two sweet'n'low, iced latte and let me be on my way. Seriously, how often when you ask that question does someone actually say "Oh, well shit, I didn't think about it before - but now that you mention it - I will have a warm breakfast sandwich. Man, what would I do without you!"? If you want to sell the product - put it on the menu. When it's 6:45 in the morning - offend my eyes - not my ears......or my time.

#2 - If I open and hold a door for you - man or women, say thank you. There is a very good chance that the next time this happens to me - I may just take you out behind the 7-11 and beat the ever lovin' crap out of you with my purse, screamin' "didn't your mama raise you right?"

#3 - Unless you are in the Presidential Motorcade....You are a normal person, just like me. So, don't park your bright yellow Hum-V in front of the Dry Cleaner. I realize that YOU may think you are only "running in" to drop off...But unless the dry cleaner has some sort of ESP and "feels" you coming - knows each garment you are bringing - halts all other customers - and has your ticket ready and in hand....Chances are it's going to at least take you a few minutes. Parking spaces were made for a reason...Use one you douche bag.

#4 - Watch your children. All six of them. I have one child - and I find it rather difficult to restrain her at times. However, my child has some sense - and also knows that if she decides to climb the shelving at CVS and play tarzan, "time out" is the least of her worries at that point. "It Takes A Village" is becoming a lot more prevalent these days - and I have my own hands full. I really don't want to have to stop YOUR child from drinking Drano in Aisle 7.

#5 - Like everyone else in the world I have had to deal with the badly timed wedgie or an unforeseen itch. Not much you can do about it - just pull it out and keep on a'going. However, when you start to try to set the world record for how long you can scratch yourself in public - it becomes a problem for me. Go find a bathroom. Like I said in Number 4....There are children around here dude.

#6 - If I'm on the phone, and you come into my office - and I CLEARLY give you the one finger/head nod - which is the universal sign of "Yea, on the phone - I'll come find you when I'm off". Please do not plop squat in my office and stare at me until I get off. Unless I can see that your arm has been severed off - chances are whatever business you need to speak to me about is not life threatening.

#7 - While driving your car, you see a friend in the adjacent car. Please do not stop in the middle of the road or a stop light to discuss Friday night plans. Furthermore - try not to look so irritated when I would like to continue my forward progress.

#8 - Use the damn cross walk. Now this issue is mainly focused on the Hispanic population in my area - but it still really does not seem like a difficult concept to me. Why not try crossing the road - with your stroller and 8 kids - at the location where the cars are legally required to STOP? Now, I've never been to El Salvador - maybe you don't have roads there. If there is confusion as to what you should do - look for the little white digital walking man. He'll help you across the road safely. Don't try to sue me if I accidentally nip you in the heels with my Kia Minivan.

As of now - all things rude and disgusting are to be kept at least 30 feet away from me. This includes spitting, scratching, burping, hawkin' a loogie, cell phone sex, pimp mobile music blaring at level 10, picking your nose, and anything else that you wouldn't feel comfortable doing in front of your Grandmother. To do any of these things in front or around me ever again - may possibly push me over the edge, make me snap - and deal a serious case of whoop'ass on you far worse than what I'm going to do to the guy that doesn't say thank you.

I realize that I may be coming across like a raving lunatic today, but I'm really not all that concerned to tell you the truth. I might be a bit of a beer drinking, rodeo lovin', red neck....But I have some class. I clean up pretty well. Personally, I feel better every morning when that man at the 7-11 holds my door open, and I say "thank you sir", he almost always looks surprised.

Maybe it's where I live - or maybe it's the world we live in. Either way it's sad - and it's irritating. A little manners goes a long way. Sure - we're all going to screw up from time to time and irritate someone else. However a simple "I'm so sorry", "I beg your pardon"or "I'm sorry sir, my children will be killed tonight I promise you", goes a long way.