My flaws are many—some big, some small. Many of those flaws are a constant battle of self-improvement over time—and some are just that...flaws….That I really have no intention of working on. Of those, I will admit that I occasionally enjoy the gentle mocking of those less fortunate that I. By “less fortunate” I, of course, do not mean those on hard times, handicap, disabled, etc. I mean those that took a very slow walk out of the shallow end of the gene pool. Now to truly enjoy this flaw to the fullest, you must, at the same time be able to mock yourself. If you can’t turn it back on yourself—then that just makes you mean….

So, in the spirit of fairness—I share with you the true ignorance that is me.

The Other Half and I have recently bought a home. We’ve owned a few, however this is the first ‘single family’ in our career as home owners. The desire to have the yard, the neighborhood, a mail box in FRONT of the house has been growing for some time, so we finally took the plunge.

Now that we are here — I have become, for lack of a better term, obsessed with the yard. Constant weekend projects to better the appearance — and of course to make it as safe for the spawn as possible — has been our life since we unpacked. I, in my arrogance, just assumed I could grow a green thumb overnight.

The first of my blunders.

After the first set of plants I had thrown into the ground — I was sharing with my mother that I also have a family of rabbits that frequents the yard…..I think I even at one point commented on the “cuteness factor”. The very next day, while again, speaking with my mother — I commented that the wind must have been SO strong yesterday that it blew the heads off of every mum (AND ONLY THE MUMS) in the flower bed.

Please insert a long pause here where I can only assume my mother was trying to not snort wine out her nose…...Her response was “um, honey, didn't you say you had rabbits?” (Yea, bet you got there LONG before I did)

The second of my mishaps.

Few days later after the 2nd grouping of flowers, shrubs, trees and other sorts of goodies were set in their place—I asked her (yes, my mother—I talk to her a lot) why there were so many damn onions in the flower bed. We spoke of wild onions for a while—what follows is our conversation.< ”well, it’s pretty easy to just pull them up, honey. Toss them aside” “what, do you mean, pull them up—I’m digging them up every time I dig a hole” >“…………….how big are these onions dear?”
“pretty good size—1/2 a fist...I don’t know—onion size”
“I assume they smell like an onion?”
“No, not really—don’t really smell like anything”
“………………………those aren't onions jack ass. Those are bulbs"

I would say that I have learned much these last few weeks. I’ve learned the difference between annuals and perennials, what blooms in spring vs. summer, top soil variations, what goes well in the ground and what works well in a pot. I’ve also learned that bulbs are expensive and look very much like onions, as well as mini-tornadoes do not occur just in my backyard.